My husband never buys me a birthday or Christmas gift

[LucyLoo1972]

Im really hurt that my DH never bothers to buy me a Christmas gift when I buy all the presents for everyone in his family and spend a lot of time doing so.

He doesnt bother buying me a birthday present or card either and doesnt take me out for my birthday. this isnt the biggest problem in our marriage by a long stretch but it does hurt me.

do you all have partners that buy you gifts or not?

AIBU to be hurt and upset

I dont know if it caused my breakdwon entirely but it didnt help and icing with him was very stressful.

I used ot feel absolutely safe and loved - he was my only safe place.

now I don't at all and my life is horrific now. we live int he same house but im pretty much in my bedroom all the time.

there were many many worse things than the lack of gifts

I've been with DH for 35 years and in the beginning we did all the big gift buying occasions. Once the DC's came along we calmed it down and spent more on them but always had a few gifts for birthdays and Christmas to open in front of them. Now when we probably have the most disposable income we don't buy each other anything - we buy what we want during the year so don't see the point of buying 'stuff' for the sake of it. we'd rather have a night away but that was all decided between us and we're both happy with our set up so I think it can be normal not to buy gifts but only if it's something you're both happy about.

So you are spending your own, very limited money on buying gifts for your husband's family?

You need to stop this immediiately.

You sound very unwell and defeated. Your mental health would probably massively improve if you were able to get away from your husband.

Can you speak to your GP and ask to be signposted to organisations that could help you leave your husband?

I am pretty defeated and I was so so full of life and joy and confidence befroe. I even won a research fellowship to the Library of Congress in Washington and went there and had an aiming time. it is incredibly prestigious to do that and very competitive to win a place there.

I lost absolutely everythign and cant seesaw to get any of it back but most of all I lost me and let myself down. it was incredibly hard for me to do what I did carrying the burden of childhood trauma but I also carried everythign for him.

I bought the gifts but he would have transferred money for them if I ahd needed that.

yes -totally agree. and maybe that was in his mind. one of the other problems in our marriage is that he would never allow us to have conversations aobut things like that. and there was zero fiancail planning - he refused to coem to a bank appointment or fiancail advisor appotinemtn.

I'd say closer to 90k than 70k!
I'm not sure you're going to like my answer but you did ask?! I mean no malice in this, but your posts always stand out because no matter what the subject matter you state how clever you are but not spending £600 ruined your life. Truly, that must have been awful, but I honestly fail to see that it is responsible for everything and needs saying repeatedly.
I and many other users here have things that have been traumatic and shaped them but repeating them and almost asking posters to psycho analyse your situation isn't healthy.
You repeatedly ask if your husband is abusive etc, your told over and over again the same opinions and advice then ask the posters why they think that.
I honestly hope you get the help and support you so obviously need and start to live your life for you.
It's not too late, if everything you say is indeed real please take back your life and your academia. You've punished yourself enough living like this for 9 years.

Sounds like neurodivergent is a pretentious word for selfish prick.

In that case, time to start planning to go. He's a gas lighting, coercive, controlling, abusive cock. A wild guess but tell us how he sabotaged all the amazing chances you had and you ended up believing it was your fault.

I’ve read a few of your other threads and you need to let go of this “dream fairytale life” you thought you supposedly had and make plans to leave. It’s been said on your other threads and no doubt it will be said on any future threads. Your husband is not a nice person.

This is crazy.

I was in a relationship with a bloke about 10 years ago who was like this. One of the many reasons he is now my ex. In the 4 and a half years we were together,he never bought me one Christmas or birthday present. He only gave me one birthday card in all that time, saying 'Happy 50th birthday'. I was 49. I never really worked out what his issue was. For the first 2 years we were together,I bought him Christmas and birthday presents. By the third year I thought,why bother? So I didn't get anything for his birthday. On the day when he realised that no present was forthcoming he said 'Well where's my birthday present then?' I was speechless.

It’s honestly becoming a daily theme here, why are you putting up with shite husbands?

I’ve read your other threads. With respect, why do stay with this shit of a man. He just makes you so unhappy.

Just find some inner strength/balls and walk away from this miserable existence, live a peaceful and nourishing life…. You can do this if you really want to…

@LucyLoo1972 if you are the poster I think you are - who had a breakdown around a PhD - you need to stop repeatedly posting about the same issues and get some proper professional help with your issues.

No lovely , it’s not normal not normal at all

Thank you for your helpful hinest post.

clearly not spending that money was only one tiny factor in the whole thing. There are so many conplex threads to it all. So so many. The wholes story is insane.

I think I hold on to being clever because that’s where I got all my worth from. Sad thing is the best thing about me was that I was kind and lovely and gentle not clever.

I think I’m in disbelief about the whole thing

psychosis is the strangest thing the way it tells you things that aren’t true

Maybe. I think neurodivergrnce is the kindest explanation

I do have professional help. I see a psychologist every week who tries to help me.

Who has also told you that you would probably do better without your husband.

People keep saying the same thing to you repeatedly. I'm not sure what else you want us to say.

Your husband is a prick. You need to leave him.

It’s obviously not sufficient help by the content of your increasingly repetitious posting on here. Please ask them what other avenues of support are available and please access them, for your own good.

It’s my childhood that was the most traumatic thing and was very bad. But what has happened noe since my breakdown is a million times wirse

Yes he does say that. My psycho fist doesn’t know him and sometimes think it must be me in the wrong

I don’t know what else to look into to seek help. I do nothing all day when my life was so so full before. I didn’t have time to ask about anything I was too busy living such a full life and doing some good and rewarding things with my husband tii and caring for him and loving him

So he earns £90k plus? Is that why you’re still with him? Why don’t you leave?