To expect friends to be more considerate?

[PinkFlamingo25]

Mum to 3 month old. We have been v clear with friends and family that if we have visitors, it is on the basis that no one is sick. We were invited round to friend‘s house on Xmas day, when we got there, friend’s DM was clearly ill with a cold - tissues in hand, sniffly, sneezing etc. Someone asked if she was sick and initially she said something about onions making her sneeze, and then the second time, said yes, it’s suddenly come on and she must have caught from her granddaughter (friend’s DD) who had the sniffles. If we had been given a heads up, I wouldn’t have taken my own DS there. DS ended up with a cold a few days later, thankfully not horrendous but snotty and congested for 2 weeks. Relatively certain he caught it there as we hadn’t been anywhere/out of the house around Xmas. Yesterday friends asked if they could visit to see baby. They arrive and mentions their DD has had a temperature and that she’s probably teething. This morning, get a message saying she’s come out in spots overnight and suspected chickenpox, later confirmed by GP. AIBU to be annoyed that my DS has been exposed to chickenpox? Given they know our stance of sickness, should they have given us a heads up that DS may be under the weather, and given us the choice as to whether it was ok that they still came around?

I’m guessing he is your first baby? It is normal to be anxious when they are so small but the world won’t stop turning just to shield your precious little one from germs.

I'm not sure the chickenpox could have been foreseen. I understand your frustration though.

Yanbu but u need to think of the future, ur kid is going to be around plenty sick people. Some family friends may genuinely not know they are coming down with something. I get it, right but still u need to chill too.

If it just came one, what could she have done?

This is very PFB, although I understand where the worry comes from. But realistically, you can’t avoid illness forever and 3 months is not a tiny newborn.

I think the DM with a cold was not unreasonable - colds are literally everywhere. If you have another DC, then the new baby will pretty much constantly be exposed to one.

However I would always have given someone the heads up about a fever and not assumed it was teething necessarily- I would have told you and give you the option as to whether you still wanted to meet.

There is no escaping chicken pox, it’s highly contagious and most kids get it at nursery, one child will get it and it works it way around the whole room. The good news is it is rare to get it more than once so if DS gets it, it’s done and dusted and DS won’t get it again. It used to be common for people to deliberately get their kids together when one got chicken pox, to get it over with.

Yes people should have the decency to cancel a visit when someone is sick and it’s a baby they are going to visit. MIL didn’t meet DS until he was one week old because she came down with a cold on the day he was born.

Colds are literally everywhere, everytime you leave the house. So I think you were OTT about Christmas. But a child with a fever should be at home not potentially infecting people with who knows. So yes that would piss me off. What were they thinking? And whilst fever can cause a slight rise in body temperature but it’s actually relatively rare for it to cause a full on fever.

I don't think you're unreasonable. They knew the child had a fever, I'd have been more cautious with visiting a small baby.

Chicken pox is hard as it can suddenly start to appear. My own children were at nursery when they first noticed the odd spots and sent them home (as I obviously hadn't seen anything that morning).
Likewise I work in a school and it might not be until later in the day you notice a child has a spot or they tell you and it's only just discovered.

Colds are pretty common and you can't completely shield your child, unless you avoid going out in public.

I do think if a child has a temperature though they shouldn't be going visiting people and that was rude of your friend.

Sorry typo I meant TEETHING can cause a small rise in body temperature but rarely a fever

Given they know our stance of sickness

In reality, no one is thinking of your stance on sickness when visiting someone you are also visiting. They werent visiting you. You were simply another attendee. They are living their life applying their acceptable standards. No one will consider your "stance on sickness" aside from perhaps your mum (someone who is usually putting you at the forefront of their consideration).

Unclench.

Why don't you just pop yourselves into a box. Bizarre posters nobody can forsee when they get a bug or when it starts for goodness sake. How do you think your baby builds up immunity, you continue this way then the minute they start nursery there Gona be ill and more ill because they haven't got any. If someone is full blown flu or bug and visits fair enough but nobody can predict when something will start and your baby will get chicken pox eventually anyhow

It’s January, 90% of people I know have had colds in the last 4 weeks. Vomiting bug I’d expect them to stay away but not a sniffle. Chicken pox you cannot predict and young dc do go up and down with temps due to teething. You’re being unrealistic I’m afraid.

When you have your first newborn you feel that the world revolves around you. It doesnt.

You can have any stance on sickness you want, but as soon as you go outside your child will be exposed to germs. And they should be, it's how they build up immunity. You're being overcautious.

I'm with you, a heads up from each party would have been nice, so you could decline the visit.

Yes colds are par for the course but who wants a snuffly baby over Christmas, I'd have been a bit miffed, and chicken pox at 3 months would be no fun

Just wait till your little one goes to nursery! Our whole house had bugs on and off for 18 months. Every infection they get will strengthen and prime their immune system, it’s a really helpful thing for long term health, but a bit shitty to deal with at the time.

This should be on a poster everywhere!

You have had a baby you have not found a cure for a disease

PFB 🚨

it’s healthier to expose your baby to every day germs to strengthen their immune system - they are 3 months old not 3 weeks

I felt exactly the same when my dd was really little, until my friend who’d also just had a baby said that her other child was bringing illnesses home from nursery all the time, and then I rationalised that most babies with older siblings survive the bugs, so my only child probably would too. I know it’s horrible and you never want to see them get ill, and you’d prefer to have all the information to make an informed choice, but realistically it’s not going to happen and we just have to do what we can to help them to feel better while they build up their immune systems.

They are your friends..you've asked them to respect a simple wish and they don't care too = not friends

What is there not to understand? I'd be fuming

This isnt correct advice in any way ...please don't repeat rubbish that isn't based on fact. There is plenty of NHS guidance about protecting young babies from infection

I feel for you, it’s hard with a small baby.
Yes it’s annoying about the chicken pox but you will find yourself confined to the house if you avoid taking your child out or refuse visitors who may have a bug.
My 5 year old was absolutely pickled in CP and was really poorly with it and two weeks later I noticed her 11 month old sibling had two blisters in nappy area, I truly would not have known it was CP without seeing it in the sibling. Sometimes it’s better that they get through these childhood illnesses early on, especially if you are returning to work and they will be in nursery. Often much milder dose during infancy but obviously you want to steer clear of tummy bugs etc.

I expected you to say your child was having chemotherapy or some other immuno illness the way you are reacting

Ah - thought I was being dim not understanding what you wrote!