To wonder why having young children turned me into someone I don’t recognise?

[peachpearandpink]

My children are now five and two and a half and I’m slowly staring to find things getting easier and I reflect on the last five years and have so much guilt and shame.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things ‘right’; I’ve read to them, taken them out to groups and classes and swimming lessons and park and woodland walks and soft play and duck ponds but my god I’ve been so angry for so much of it. Sometimes frustration has boiled over and I’ve shouted, a lot, on a few occasions going on a proper rant where I just haven’t stopped.

My first was born after a horrible birth, I was exhausted and passed out after (he was eventually born by EMCS) and I felt so unwell and spaced out after the birth. It was Covid, there was no support, breastfeeding was impossible to establish and I took it personally, it felt like a rejection of me and I got so frustrated with both of us. I stayed awake for hours at night expressing breast milk and I honestly think it turned me a bit mad … he had the most awful witching hours and I’d panic, would think he needed to see a doctor as he must be in pain. I remember one awful night when he was just a few weeks old driving around in the small hours and falling asleep in a layby somewhere. I got obsessed with sleep and his naps, would get all tense and angry if he didn’t nap on schedule. His sleep was very poor until we sleep trained at 18 months. Then I got the idea he was a ‘bad’ toddler because of my ‘bad’ parenting. all in all I want to go back and shake myself.

when I had dd two and a half years later things initially were much better; she was a better sleeper and I knew what to expect (plus planned section) but the stress of meeting two children’s needs (often conflicting) really got to me. I felt guilty all the time, tense all the time, the only time I’d relax is if I was driving and they both fell asleep. I got so angry about stupid stuff like once toddler ds kept walking in front of the pram or toys on the floor, potty training ds made me furious if he had an accident

I can feel myself relaxing by the minute as it’s getting easier and I just wish wish wish I could go back and be the gentle and loving person I always actually thought I was.

Nailed it.

Honestly, I’m so grateful for the kindness and understanding I’ve been shown. I drove past DS’s preschool earlier and felt this huge sadness. I know that it’s true I did my best but I just wish I could return and do a better best, manage a routine that prioritises us all. But I can only try going forwards.

You are doing great. Really and truly x

I'd never known such red hot anger until after I had my DD. In those desperate moments where you're completely overloaded, agonisingly tired and out of options... the anger (and subsequent shame) I felt was completely new to me. I just couldn't cope. Like you I was doing everything 'right' but didn't recognise myself. I'd lost so many of the virtues - kind, patient, strong - that I prided myself on.

It haunts me still too. But as someone else said in this thread, how would you speak to someone who told your own story to you? With great compassion and understanding, probably. I don't know why it's so hard to be that person when it comes to ourselves, but it is. Perhaps as time continues and we see our babies grow into (hopefully!) thriving young humans, we'll realise we did a lot right too.

I actually considered having another baby so I could enjoy it and "do it right". I realise now that it would have been the same again. It is a time when you are pushed to your limits and beyond.
Thank you so much for articulating what I felt. You are amazing to be able to do that. I could barely speak and lost colour vision for months due to the exhaustion and lack of sleep. You are clearly a great mum. Your children will adore you. x

@divescoutrock i don’t know. There were times when I was absolutely foul - to them both, but mostly ds.

Another memory is when he was maybe two and a quarter. He used to wake so early - before 530 most day. We were on our way to one of our regular groups and he fell asleep when we got there. I knew if I woke him he wouldn’t go back to sleep (both mine are like this, once they’ve napped that’s it) and so I was dithering whether to wake him or not. Decided not to and drove home. And he woke up the second we got home… I was FURIOUS. The day felt impossibly long, no group, no adult contact, just me and him. I was foul to him. I shouted, I had no patience: I took him for a walk in the buggy and he was whingeing (unsurprisingly) and I was snarling at him. I do remember a woman walked past and stared at me … it didn’t shame me, it made me even angrier.

Of course it’s understandable, kind of, but it’s hard for me to remember that day. Like … why did I not just take him to soft play or swimming or something? I don’t know. It all had to be structured though, it was how I coped, and if an unexpected nap or illness or cancellation of something happened it sent me into panic mode.

I think that experience is very common.

I was diagnosed with PND but not until dd was a year old and I happened to read an article about it and thought “shit, that’s me”. Motherhood with my dd was something I endured rather than enjoyed because of how wretched I felt.

When my DS was born a few years later I recognised the signs so was able to get treatment early, which meant I was a totally different mother to him. I still had the same stresses I think, but being on ADs meant I could just cope with them so much better.

I wish people were more honest about how tough parenthood is, it’s so easy to get swept along by all the “look how wonderful it all is” social media posts.