To wonder why having young children turned me into someone I don’t recognise?

[peachpearandpink]

My children are now five and two and a half and I’m slowly staring to find things getting easier and I reflect on the last five years and have so much guilt and shame.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things ‘right’; I’ve read to them, taken them out to groups and classes and swimming lessons and park and woodland walks and soft play and duck ponds but my god I’ve been so angry for so much of it. Sometimes frustration has boiled over and I’ve shouted, a lot, on a few occasions going on a proper rant where I just haven’t stopped.

My first was born after a horrible birth, I was exhausted and passed out after (he was eventually born by EMCS) and I felt so unwell and spaced out after the birth. It was Covid, there was no support, breastfeeding was impossible to establish and I took it personally, it felt like a rejection of me and I got so frustrated with both of us. I stayed awake for hours at night expressing breast milk and I honestly think it turned me a bit mad … he had the most awful witching hours and I’d panic, would think he needed to see a doctor as he must be in pain. I remember one awful night when he was just a few weeks old driving around in the small hours and falling asleep in a layby somewhere. I got obsessed with sleep and his naps, would get all tense and angry if he didn’t nap on schedule. His sleep was very poor until we sleep trained at 18 months. Then I got the idea he was a ‘bad’ toddler because of my ‘bad’ parenting. all in all I want to go back and shake myself.

when I had dd two and a half years later things initially were much better; she was a better sleeper and I knew what to expect (plus planned section) but the stress of meeting two children’s needs (often conflicting) really got to me. I felt guilty all the time, tense all the time, the only time I’d relax is if I was driving and they both fell asleep. I got so angry about stupid stuff like once toddler ds kept walking in front of the pram or toys on the floor, potty training ds made me furious if he had an accident

I can feel myself relaxing by the minute as it’s getting easier and I just wish wish wish I could go back and be the gentle and loving person I always actually thought I was.

It’s good things seem easier now that you’ve just one at home all day. You’re more experienced at being a mother than you were when DS was 0-2.5 so that makes a big difference.

If however you feel like you’re living under a dark cloud constantly then have a chat to your GP.

My children are the same age and I feel so many parallels with what you say. My guilt goes as far as to illogically worry I caused my son's neurodivergence! There's a lot to unpack!

I would love to go back in time and have a re do knowing what I know now. I would have gone lower demand for all of us including what I expected of myself. Less comparison too. And I work with children which adds another layer.

I console myself with that my never ending research, striving to be better , and acknowledgement of any shortcomings are signs of a good parent. It's what we do with that that matters now and I try and make up for it in repair but we can't be perfect particularly in a society with low support, needing to work etc.

Definitely less comparison. But then I do also worry … I have such high standards for myself and then if the children aren’t cooperative I get stressed. For example, I desperately want them to have a rich exposure to books and I stress with dd in particular when she just refuses to read with me, or ds is visibly bored when I’m reading to him!

Just keep the books for bedtime. They’ll like it as part of their nightly routine. I also used to keep a book in my bag incase we had to sit and wait somewhere (ie doctors or on the train) and we’d go through the book then.

@peachpearandpink Edit: we also incorporated books into play. For instance my DD wanted to be ‘mum’ to her baby dollies and she’d get out a book to read them. At first she couldn’t read, so I helped but eventually once at school, she became the ‘teacher’ to her dollies and would read away to them. She even read to the dog when we got it!

Books are very important to their learning but getting stressed will put them off.

Being a parent, especially to young children is fucking brutal.

be kind to yourself. I’m glad you can feel it getting easier.

If you sit in front of them reading a book that looks interesting, there's a good chance they'll want to either take it from you or for you to read it to them. Playing it cool can help.

Could have written your OP, except it was all about 20 years ago! With the benefit of many years hindsight…stop beating yourself up!

You were (are) a responsible, responsive parent who has tried to meet your children’s’ needs .

You had a firstborn new baby in lockdown (hideous!).

You found parenting two small children stressful and didn’t always put on your best face (Amen!).

You haven’t actually done anything wrong!

We could all be the perfect parents in retrospect. Never showing frustration or crying in front our kids or raising our voices.

Nobody is perfect in the moment, though.

The fact you are reflecting now and thinking about this shows you are a caring and thoughtful parent,

There will be more ups and downs. Sometimes you’ll deal with things brilliantly, sometimes you’ll cock things up a bit. Are your kids safe and loved? Are they at the centre of most (not all!) of your decision-making? If yes, you’re doing alright.

This!

Solidarity OP. I really appreciate this thread as I thought I was the only one who had felt like this and also love all the supportive replies 💓

Parenting is so much harder than I ever expected, I just don’t think people talk about how tough the early years usually are, or they forget!
I am a pretty relaxed person, don’t like confrontation, not one for arguing or shouting.
However with my children, I do lose my cool, I do get annoyed and I do shout sometimes! I just get tired of the bickering, the noise, the stress, the mental load and the guilt for wanting my own time and space, it’s hard.
But I’m doing my best, my children know they are so loved and we often have wonderful times together. I love them more than anything but they can just drive me crazy! Maybe that’s just part of parenting?! Most of us are just trying to do our best!

Thank you for this thread. I have two children aged 1 and 3, both with severe delays and I hate who I am now. I try to find ways of hiding from them, it’s terrible but I can’t cope with it. I’ve snapped so many times when I never ever have before in my life. In fact, before children I never got angry about anything at all. I know I’ll look back and wish that I tried harder but I really can’t. I don’t think I’ll remember how hard it is. I think I’ll block it out. The tiredness, the guilt, the pressure, the decisions, it’s all far far too much.

@LittleRobins when mine were one and three it was the worst time of my life. I was absolutely broken by the end of each day.

I wish so much now I’d gone down to two days at work and had the children in nursery for three, giving me one day with each child and only one day with us all together. It would have been expensive but in retrospect it would have saved my sanity. My relationship with my son is a huge regret. I think having a day with just him … I’d sell a kidney for that, I really would. And now he’s in school and that times gone.

I haven't rtft yet but I did read your op. I hear you, you sound lovely, I could have written what you wrote...you have always been that mummy, all along I promise! Your kids know it too. PND-PTSD is so under diagnosed. We have this major surgery, are given a brand new baby (in a global pandemic) and then left to it. Bonkers.

I'll read more of the thread (have just done bedtimes x 2 and I'm knackered) but please know you are not alone. Xo

I have the same gap. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. On my better days I can be patient, say the right things, do the right things; avoid conflict, get them to do stuff my making up games. On my mediocre days I can ignore the noise and not lose my rag. On my worst days I am grumpy, short and I shout at them. I know it’s not great and I’m trying to do better, I also feel like it’s getting easier but my god… the noise… 😱

Try not to beat yourself up OP. None of us is perfect x

It sounds OP like you might have had undiagnosed PND with your first birth, which - because it wasn’t addressed back then, lingered on with anxiety, low mood and anger. In any case you’ve done your best and sounds like you’ve done a great job despite being very critical of yourself. Xx

I can totally relate. I was angry and anxious with my two and I feel the same shame you have described.

many years later, looking back I can see that I was in the fog of some sort of post natal depression.

i fantasise about going back and having one day with my babies so I can snuggle them and say I’m sorry.

Well done for writing it down and putting it out there.

There's so much guilt and shame on this thread. It's really heartbreaking.

I find it helps to imagine how you'd talk to your children if they had a moment where they'd lost their temper when they were overwhelmed. You're a person too, and we all get overwhelmed.

I'd really recommend looking up something called Compassion Based Therapy. You don't need to do actual therapy sessions - you can just read the information, it's very practical.

It's aimed at addressing feelings of guilt and shame.

Here's a brief summary:

Core Principles

• Self-Criticism & Shame:
• Acknowledges that many people are harsh on themselves, often due to evolutionary wiring that prioritizes threat detection, leading to cycles of shame and low self-worth.
• Three Emotion Systems: Focuses on understanding the interplay between the Threat System (alertness to danger), the Drive System (motivation/achievement), and the Soothing System (calmness, contentment, care).
• Developing Compassion: Teaches skills to activate the soothing system and cultivate compassion for oneself and others, rather than relying solely on the threat system.

It's really very good at re-framing thoughts into a more positive and helpful way. You don't want to keep carrying around these negative feelings - it's self-reinforcing of a negative narrative you're giving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive divine. You just need to forgive yourself, I bet your children already did a long time ago. There's nothing to be gained from reliving your worst moments and telling yourself how awful you were. You'd never talk that way to your children, so don't talk that way to yourself.

You're not awful, you're just a person who was overwhelmed. It happens to us all.

Also the fact that you (me too) replay the messy parts of our parenting and spend the time when they are finally down googling it or asking on a forum I (think?) shows that we care enough to maybe be good (ish) mums? That's what I am telling myself (while i eat cold toast with one hand because someone is teething)

My PND PTSD took the form of flashbacks to the awful attempted instrumental delivery (then emcs) and crippling screams I managed to stifle somehow. I saw a clip of Claire Danes scream in a similar way to how I felt on an programme/movie called Flieshmann is in Trouble. I've never seen the full thing (no time!), but the sob-scream of a broken woman really reasonated with me.

And yes large chunks of the years when I had a baby and a toddler, I don't really remember. Some of it is vague, some of it is blank, some of it is blissful snuggles, and a lot of it was expressing milk while crying into bottles as I screwed the storage lids on. I googled "are tears in breast milk safe for baby". No one prepares mums for how tough it can get.

I find it so interesting how differently we treat ourselves to how we treat each other. Reading this thread with someone saying they felt like they caused their child’s neurodivergence made me instantly think ‘that’s ridiculous, of course they didnt’. And yet, here I am thinking exactly the same about myself. What if their delays are all my fault? What if they were raised by someone else, would they still have the same delays? And yet when I have these thoughts about myself I can’t think ‘that’s ridiculous, of course I didn’t’, the way I genuinely believe for others.

It’s so stressful being in survival mode constantly

I don't think its that unusual. I had 3 under 5 with two who didn't sleep well and one who was a very early riser.

I cried a lot. I was so tired all the time and stressed.

Try the compassion based therapy. That's exactly what it's all about.

How we speak to ourselves rather than how we would care for a friend or our children.

The way you speak to yourself in your own head really matters. If you'd never be that cruel to someone else, there's something wrong.

I would say congratulate yourself on having the second. I am a huge pessimist and a very critical thinker - being totally honest with you, based on what you’ve written and how hard the first sounded, you were incredibly brave to have a second! so kudos for that.

I have not managed this myself 😂
I also found breastfeeding hell and it still taunts me today even thought it was years ago. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the feeling of absolute failure there tbh. I literally cannot discuss it irl and it’s the main reason I won’t have a second baby. my other main reason is because I don’t have the family support I think is actually quite necessary to stay sane!!!

You can repair some of this. Do "special time" STRICTLY ring fence time with him even 30 min after week. No ones allowed to interrupt. No screens. 1-1 play time.

No checking washing machine etc.

I had a light bulb moment with the breastfeeding issue when I looked at a classroom full of 10 year olds and thought- there's absolutely no way to tell which ones were breastfed and which bottle. And by that age there are so many bigger factors on how well those children were overall.

Do you find that the perspective makes you feel any better?

I had a second child, from my very first midwife appointment i said I wasn't even going to attempt breastfeeding. I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy, but I knew what was right for my baby was having a mother who was sane.

I'm so glad I made that decision to take care of myself.