To wonder why having young children turned me into someone I don’t recognise?

[peachpearandpink]

My children are now five and two and a half and I’m slowly staring to find things getting easier and I reflect on the last five years and have so much guilt and shame.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done things ‘right’; I’ve read to them, taken them out to groups and classes and swimming lessons and park and woodland walks and soft play and duck ponds but my god I’ve been so angry for so much of it. Sometimes frustration has boiled over and I’ve shouted, a lot, on a few occasions going on a proper rant where I just haven’t stopped.

My first was born after a horrible birth, I was exhausted and passed out after (he was eventually born by EMCS) and I felt so unwell and spaced out after the birth. It was Covid, there was no support, breastfeeding was impossible to establish and I took it personally, it felt like a rejection of me and I got so frustrated with both of us. I stayed awake for hours at night expressing breast milk and I honestly think it turned me a bit mad … he had the most awful witching hours and I’d panic, would think he needed to see a doctor as he must be in pain. I remember one awful night when he was just a few weeks old driving around in the small hours and falling asleep in a layby somewhere. I got obsessed with sleep and his naps, would get all tense and angry if he didn’t nap on schedule. His sleep was very poor until we sleep trained at 18 months. Then I got the idea he was a ‘bad’ toddler because of my ‘bad’ parenting. all in all I want to go back and shake myself.

when I had dd two and a half years later things initially were much better; she was a better sleeper and I knew what to expect (plus planned section) but the stress of meeting two children’s needs (often conflicting) really got to me. I felt guilty all the time, tense all the time, the only time I’d relax is if I was driving and they both fell asleep. I got so angry about stupid stuff like once toddler ds kept walking in front of the pram or toys on the floor, potty training ds made me furious if he had an accident

I can feel myself relaxing by the minute as it’s getting easier and I just wish wish wish I could go back and be the gentle and loving person I always actually thought I was.

You did the best job that you could do with the resources you had available to you at the time. No-one can do better than that.

You can't judge your previous actions and capabilities from the position you are in today. Everything seems easy when you're not exhausted, overestimated and overwhelmed.

But you were exhausted, you did the best you could. It's literally impossible to do better than that.

Mine are in their twenties now and I still feel guilt for too much shouting. I had four under seven, had to go back to work, on night shifts when they were a few months old and looking back I don't know how I did it or , even managed to function like that for so many years. I wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently. Looking back I was depressed and exhausted so I have to be kind to myself. On a positive note my kids have all grown up into gentle , well rounded, decent humans. Only one ( dd) mentions what she sees as poor parenting from time to time and that is usually aimed at dh not doing emotional support very well and mentioned in a jokey way ! We get some things wrong and lots right but don't always credit ourselves as we should. I would not be too hard on yourself.

I recognize what you are saying too @peachpearandpink .

My first is 3.5y now and he was an incredibly difficult baby. Terrible sleep until we night weaned at 20 months, colicky (I remember desperate midnight drives after hours of non-stop screaming), incredibly clingy to me for over 2 years (would not be put down as a baby and then could not be in a different room from me without tears and screaming, zero independent play), overtired and screamy from about 4 pm.

Looking back, it was horrendous and I genuinely don't know how I didn't go absolutely stark raving mad, rather than just shouting too much a few times.

My DD is now 4mo and so far it has been a totally different experience. She wakes a few times a night, is a bit clingy to me in the evening, and has had some reflux issues but it is like night and day. I can put her down on a playmat or in her bouncer and she happily chills with a toy or plays with her hands for more than 10 minutes. Like, is this the normal experience and I've been playing on hard mode for the past 3 years??

Your experience with your first sounds a lot like mine (but with added Lockdown to make things worse) and the sheer fucking relentlessness of long term sleep deprivation and a baby/toddler who just needs you 24/7 is like nothing else.

And I think that even when that phase passes and your child starts to get "easier", you carry the legacy of that time with you - like PTSD or just learned experience. So when your child starts crying or doesn't play nicely or whatever, your experience (from the hours of colic crying and sleep deprivation) is that this is overwhelming and a really hard problem. And your body is straight to fight/flight mode, sometimes even when it is just a simple tantrum or an awkward playdate experience.

Thank you OP and sympathies- this rings so many bells. I hope reflecting now helps with future teenage years, too!

This is fascinating! I totally agree! And then when we struggle we have the problem orientated within us (pnd) rather than recognition of the problem being within the system (societal expectations on mother as self sacrificing, lack of community, the odds between the mother role and career roles we are suppose to hold, lack of meaningful support allowing space to meet our own needs). I'm not saying pnd isn't a thing but this post resonates for me completely. I am not broken I am just doing a very hard thing in a way I was never built to do it.

You are right on the money with this. I feel so seen. At the time I didn't know my son was autistic, so the toddler years with his sister 16 months younger were particularly brutal. I also at times wish I could go back and redo time. We can't. We just have to do better going forwards, carve out little moments every day/week to be kind to ourselves, and give ourselves some grace.

While a lot of this post resonates and I think it's interesting and the description true of isolated parenting and it could be cptsd. I have cptsd from childhood abuse and i have also parented 2 children solo following dv and Ltb. That said I have been in therapy for years about my time solo parenting under 5s alone and mainly to do with the vast amount of discriminatory comment I received as a single mother; how poor I was and the terror of not having enough food or petrol being a daily reality; the lack of support i got from my own birth family re traumatising me; stalking and harassment thru courts and contact with exh. The sheer exhaustion and desperation was mixed in with that but not what haunts me as trauma while the other things I've put do. The DC are now tweens and life is immeasuably better.

Also agree that special time is so helpful if you are looking to work on your relationship with your eldest. 15 mins of child led play just narrating what they are doing and observing then without distractions if possible can do a world of good

First of all, this thread reminds me of the good old days of mumsnet when people were supportive and there was less trolling/ragebait. It's so refreshing to see all these lovely replies.

OP, you are not alone. My older two are 15 and 12 now. When they were those ages, I think I had some kind of undiagnosed PND and I have blocked a lot of that time from my memory. We also sadly lost their dad to a serious illness and I am genuinely unsure how I got through all that. And I feel so, so guilty, over something I could not help.

I try to be kind to myself. You must try to be kind to yourself too, as you're doing the best you can with what you have. Children don't need perfect parents, they need 'good enough' parents, and from your posts I can tell how much you care about them.

I now have a toddler again and it's definitely a stressful time, even though she's lovely.

I am so grateful for the kindness of the replies and I can’t believe how many people have responded to say they felt the same.

A memory that does stand out for me when ds was tiny, only a few weeks old, and going to collect an item which involved a drive through a really poor part of the city, it was January and dark and snowy and seeing a woman struggling with a buggy up the stairs of some flats and thinking how much worse it could have been and so why was I struggling so much?

I still give myself such a hard time about not doing enough but I have to be realistic and my children obviously have views and opinions of their own, as well as strengths and things we have to work on.

Reading your post I think it makes complete sense that you struggled. A difficult birth with the challenges of COVID and lack of support - unbelievably hard 😞 I'm not surprised it has taken you years to recover

I could have written this post. I had 20 months between DDs, worked full time, with a husband that worked permanent nights and I was completely exhausted all the time and was so so so angry.

I was totally unprepared for how much my life changed by have children and looking back was clearly depressed. DD1 was such a challenge, was finally diagnosed with ASD at 12. Her behaviour was so challenging, she couldn’t play with other children, always ended up in a fight but was clearly very bright, but just a difficult child who was struggling to fit into the norms at nursery and at school (because she couldn’t) and there was so little support for her and me as she wasn’t disruptive in class, had no learning difficulties but was very very difficult at home.

I was not the parent I wish I could have been, but I did my best and I’ve mostly forgiven myself for being impatient and not the lovely mum who enjoyed baby groups and baking and colouring etc. Now my lovely girls are teens we have a really nice relationship and it all feels a long time ago, I am better with teens than toddlers and I do my best to be a good mum. We have great fun going out together to all sorts of events and activities and I make sure that they know I am there for them.

Hindsight is 20/20 OP and I promise you, you are doing your best and your best is more than good enough.

💐

Tbh I think any mother who had a baby or a preschooler during Covid should get a national medal.

Maybe you can put your dd in nursery for some time during school holidays and have that day with your ds.

Believe me, they know how much you love and care for them. I remember that pain and guilt and worry, it seems to go with the territory, but there you are with a thriving growing child. It cost you but you did it and you’re still doing it.

Like @Penelope23145 mine are now grown and fledged with their own lives. And we are crazily close as a family.

But I feel terrible about some of the times when they were young, when I spent a lot of time sad/angry and I'm afraid drinking quite heavily because I hated it. It does feel like PTSD. When I see mums now with prams I feel slightly sick and so sorry for them.

Yes I wish I could go back now and do it all better. But it worked out okay. And honestly I think they've forgotten most of what happened when they were young anyway!

What I found made a difference was really "love bombing" my children when I was most frustrated with them. So just giving them my undivided attention for 5-15 minutes, and telling them how great they were, playing with them, talking and listening properly. It really helped take the heat out.

You will get through this, I promise. X

Thank you. She does attend for two days a week year round. This summer was quite healing as I got time with ds and it transformed us both. That’s why I wish I’d done it before rather than struggle on with them both on days off, hating it and feeling angry and tense and resentful.

I am also sending her three days from September; she’ll be three then and I’ll actually have a day to myself which I also think will be transformative in terms of patience and ability to manage tough times.

When I had a toddler I just don’t know how anyone in Covid coped. Ds was born at the very end of 2020 so we missed the first lockdown (well, I was pregnant in it but that had some advantages such as working from home and being signed off from 28 weeks. Although I think I then struggled to transition from having all that time to myself to none.)

I know it’s water under the bridge and not to dwell. The main problem is it haunts me. If a shorty, angry, easily irritable, ridiculously perfectionist person emerged with my own precious children, maybe that’s just who I am?

It sounds like you totally lost your identity.
Go back to work! Bit late now but that would have been a game changer.

I don’t think that’s what happened. Besides, I worked throughout. I had to change jobs when pregnant (long story) and because the job I ended up getting was full time, I actually worked full time from ds being nine months until he was nineteen months, when I negotiated part time (three days a week.)

It was fucking horrific. I know it works for some but I really don’t ever know why full time work is pushed on here to mothers struggling. It’s not like you stop parenting when you have a job: yes ok nursery or a childminder might have them in the day but you still have to drop them and collect them, you still have to get up in the night and then go to work on broken sleep. I am very much in favour of well managed childcare to support parents and to help children but I don’t think it’s the catch all answer.

Besides, my identity is not tied up in work. Part of my identity is ‘ds and DDs mum’ and I’m OK with that. It was the overwhelming sense of not doing very well at that ‘job’ which I found / find so stressful.

Last night I was looking through photos and I remembered feb half term two years ago. I took ds to a wildlife park, to a theatre production, an outdoor playgroup and a farm. Why couldn’t I have said … didn’t I have a lovely time, didn’t i make a real effort but no … I was tense and worried he wasn’t sitting nicely in the theatre and might snatch a toy. Just always so down and negative towards him and the poor thing was and is such a lovely boy.

I agree on full time work. I was doing a professional qualification and they wouldn't let me reduce my hours. Going back full time (DH dropped to 4 days) and having to settle my extremely clingy DS in nursery was the absolute worst. He screamed every day at drop off for an entire year. Wanted to breastfeed all night because he missed me.

I was exhausted and resentful of DS for not being able to cope with nursery. A d totally overwhelmed with needing to work full time in a demanding job while utterly exhausted.

Thank you so much for this thread, it really validates the feelings I've been going through currently. I'm sorry you've felt them but im glad its getting easier for you.

My 2 boys are 4 and 20 months and my youngest is epileptic. Im just hoping it will get easier soon. Some days I do my breathing and keep calm but other days i just lose my rag all the time and I feel so guilty once theyre in bed. I feel like im damaging them somehow, even though im just trying my best. They're fed, warm, go to nursery 3 days a week, spend days with their grandparents, go to soft play, zoos, splash pads and the beach but i justfeel like its never good enough :(

Mine are 5.5 and about to turn 3, and it was the same for me. I stayed at home, read, played blocks, fed them good food, walks, park trips, breastfed, co-slept. I enjoyed parts but I was also angry, frustrated and overstimulated a lot. I wish I had been calmer, got on with things, "enjoyed" it more. But I'm sure it was all linked to sleep for me. My second was a terrible sleeper and I did not realise how much I changed and how much lack of sleep and broken sleep affected my mental health (having never in my life had sleep issues). I really really struggled with sleep and nights, and as I was breastfeeding, I wouldn't let my husband help, I didn't see the point as both boys just usually wanted me.

The last few months, my second has finally been sleeping through (regularly since Christmas), goes to bed with dad, I've stopped breastfeeding too, and I feel my old self coming back... I'm laughing more, joking more, getting angry less.
It's just getting so much easier, (though my eldest was always very chilled, it's my mad second wildling who tests me more 😆) our flights over Christmas were easy, and I'm actually looking forward to this year. We're going to take the boys hiking and spend more time outdoors which is just so much easier without nappies and buggies and naps. I think I just prefer being a mum of children, and not babies and toddlers...

I’m sorry if this sounds like wankery OP: imagine meeting that you on the street today. You wouldn’t think that she was a bad mother, or that she was letting her kids down. You’d remember that early motherhood is bastarding hard work, that she had a traumatic birth and was still in shock from it plus the 24/7 responsibility of a newborn, that she was feeling her way and doing her best, and that it was genuinely good enough - because it was. You did your best. Think back on that person with kindness and compassion.

I have twins and genuinely my abiding memory of their first two years is putting the song “Surface Pressure” from Encanto on repeat. Because that’s how I felt.

Your DCs are still so small - 5 and 2.5 - they're unlikely to remember very much (if anything) that's happened in their lives so far. You sound like a caring, thoughtful mother, so focus on the future and try to build into your routine things that you know work well for you. You've already said it's better when you have one-to-one time with your DS and a PP suggested "love-bombing" (which worked brilliantly for mine.)

Please don't beat yourself up about the past. Most people find the baby/toddler stage incredibly hard and I'm sure every mother would be able to point at something they wish they'd done differently.

My DCs are grown-up and we're extremely close. Recently I talked to DS about an incident that happened when he was 7, so old enough to remember.

A horrific, appalling, potentially life-changing experience that I was sure he'd been traumatised by. Nope, he had no memory of it at all! Not even when I talked through the details with him - a complete blank.

Thank you.

@Anonymouskitty I am so glad it has also helped you. It’s incredibly hard because I do think this seems to be more common in parents (mothers, let’s face it) of two or more. I guess it’s the sheer neediness.

One of the issues I’ve realised is I spend too much time online. It’s my link to the outside world but it’s also a stick to beat myself with. Instagram, TikTok and yes, MN … as much as they can be a force for good they can also have a toxic side and there are a lot of perfect parents out there, and particularly on here women who are not always kind to those with very young babies and toddlers. And then there’s the contradictory advice too. I really should listen to my own instincts more. I’m good at making it look like we’re having a wholesome great time but actually there’s been an unpleasant atmosphere for much of it largely because of me.

I am better. This morning on our way home I stopped in a small market town to nip into Waterstones and dd had a tantrum. I stayed calm and dealt with it. But there was no resentment at being ‘made to leave’ just, well, that’s life with a two year old. Once I would have seethed and been pretty nasty in response (both in word and thought.)

I can feel myself coming back. The biggest relief is no one has said how wonderful small children really are and (my most hated line) how ‘we’ll miss it one day.’

Toddler years are tough - the best of times and the worst of times. I often felt like I was just worn ragged, trying to get through the day at times. Other times were great .

Agree NCT class didn't help. One who I knew the best was a 'Perfect mummy' type - in hindsight not the best friend to have..

Can you do stuff 1 to 1 with your son now - to build more of a bond ? Eg swimming, teaching bike riding,

He can ride a bike - courtesy of DH!

I do try but it’s hard. DH is generally not around much in the week and even when he is, he gets back late (after 7 usually.) So that leaves weekends and while I do try to find things we can do it’s not guaranteed and he wants to see daddy as well which is totally understandable!