Help me understand DH

[Advicew]

He doesn’t like anyone coming over to the house so I don’t invite people over. My adult niece moved 20 minutes from us so on the weekend I met up with her outside of the house and took my children with me. I asked DH if he wanted to come and he replied really sulkily “why would I? I don’t want to see her”. There’s no backstory or any drama with my family, been married 16 years and she’s 22 do he’s known her since she was very young.

I came back from the outing to be met with him being drunk. He went to sleep as soon as we arrived which was 8pm! He never sleeps that early. When I went to the room and asked if he was body he told me to go fuck myself. Next day was Sunday and he left the house really early without telling me where’s he’s going. He gets bank again really drunk. He’s telling me to leave his house and I’m up my family ass! My son was crying as last weekend we visited DH’s aunty (I happily went and had a good time and no dramas like he does) but DS aged 7 left his watch in the Aunts house.dh was supposed to get the watch on Sunday but obviously didn’t. Ds was really upset going up school with a another week of no watch

sorry for any typos I’m in work so quickly typing

He’s an arsehole. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Er

what is there to understand?

Selfish arsehole with a drink problem?

He’s an arse. LTB?

What on earth do you need to "understand" apart from the fact he's a complete prick?

He’s just not bothered about you, or seemingly his children is he?

it sounds like he’s checked out and is pushing for you to leave.

Whose name is the house in?

Almost exactly my thoughts, I included "miserable" before AH.

Is that getting drunk a regular habit for him @Advicew ?

It's unreasonable that you cannot have friends or family visit you at your home.

Is the lease or mortgage + deed only in his name? It's a shit way to treat you regardless.
I'm wondering how much legal right he has to say "get out of my house".

He doesn't care about you.
He doesn't care about his children.
If you are married then it's your house too. He can leave if he's that bothered.

That's all that can said really. What do you want to do going forward? He won't change so you need to.

Sounds like he’s trying to goad you into ending the relationship

I'm not sure what there is to 'understand'. He wants you out of the house and not having visitors so he can get drunk in peace?

Does he usually go and get drunk on a weekend or is this abnormal behaviour?

its unreadable for him to say you can ever have guests in your home, are you ok with that? Do you feel the same or are you going along for an easy life.

Is this brand new behaviour from an otherwise lovely man who doesn't get drunk and be abusive to you? Because if it is, I'd be talking to him, when sober and asking him what exactly was the problem with him because his behaviour was unacceptable and you need to know why, and that it won't happen again.
However, if this is just the most recent example of him being an inadequate, drunken unpleasant arse, then you need to leave him. Because you're wasting your life and exposing your son to a toxic atmosphere.

He’s an abusive alcoholic and will be affecting your son. Make a plan to leave.

Why are you with this person? Seriously asking, because it sounds like you are down trodden if you are asking for help to understand your h when it is so obvious to everyone else on here what a complete waste of space he is.
Is the house in joint names? I'm not aware that he can ask you to leave the marital home regardless.
I would be looking for a divorce sooner rather than later for the sake of your son and his mental well being as well as yours.
Say nothing to him but get your paper work etc together and take advice.
Hope you come back to answer pps questions so we can furthur help and support you. So many of us, myself included have been in your shoes. Taking the first step is scary but the first is always the hardest one to take.
You will find your inner strength as you get angry with the situation and that anger will make you more determined to push it through to a new happier life with your son.

Dismissive of your family. But relationships with his family are fine.
Makes no effort with people that you care about but you make an effort with people in his family.
He uses drink as a coping mechanism.
His behaviour, language and choices are bad, especially when he drinks.
Your child had to hear or witness this tantrum from a full grown adult.
Your son's needs don't come first for this man.
When you don't do what he wants he blames you and tells you to leave the home.

Nothing to understand really, his actions are clearly showing you what he thinks and feels. This isn't an equal partnership. It is his way. I wouldn't be subjecting my child to the alcohol misuse, telling you to leave, not allowing relationships with both sides of the family, not allowing people in the home of three people, not one. It is ridiculous. You're seeing the light, and now you have you will start noticing other things that have become the norm for you but are actually him wanting everything his own way or throwing a strop. Not healthy, not safe, not okay.

He's an arsehole and an alcoholic. Why are you still with him? Dump him and take your child with you, as this will be affecting him too.

Surely that's all there is to understand.

LTB

Sadly, he has an alcohol problem.

He's a cunt. That's literally all you need to understand. He's a drunk, he's abusive and he's controlling.

You’re asking what’s wrong - is that because this is generally unusual behavior for him?

if so I would say maybe he’s got an alcohol problem that he can no longer hide

but if he’s always behaved this way he’s bad news and I’m sure you and your son would have a calmer, happier life without him (is he his son?)

All these people stating that he is an alcoholic. Based on what? Getting drunk twice?
He sounds like a twat, but it's wrong for people to throw around accusations of alcoholism

Is this behaviour new and out of character?

no not new behaviour he’s always been like this. Even when people came to see our eldest as a baby he was fine if it was his family but mine he would slam the doors and be really rude. I feel like for past 10 years (eldest is 10) I’ve been living on autopilot and just getting through day by day. I work long hours too so I’m exhausted to think about him when I get home. I feel I don’t want this life anymore and I do deserve better I think.

the house is only in his name and he pays the mortgage and all the bills. If he was to leave the house I wouldn’t be able to afford it as he’s a high earner but I’m on a very low wage.

I know this sounds weird but what clicked for me yesterday was when out of spite he looked at me and said “ughh you’re so ugly and have saggy tits”. I know I don’t! I do feel ugly as I’ve stopped taking care of myself. But I know I shouldn’t be spoken to like this

He sounds like a miserable arsehole and a drunk 😕 you're not allowed to have any visitors to your house? He tells you to go fuck yourself? Why on earth would you put up with this behaviour? You don't need to understand him, you need to dump him. He's a pig!

Yes he does get drunk quite often