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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help me understand DH

55 replies

Advicew · 19/01/2026 11:28

He doesn’t like anyone coming over to the house so I don’t invite people over. My adult niece moved 20 minutes from us so on the weekend I met up with her outside of the house and took my children with me. I asked DH if he wanted to come and he replied really sulkily “why would I? I don’t want to see her”. There’s no backstory or any drama with my family, been married 16 years and she’s 22 do he’s known her since she was very young.

I came back from the outing to be met with him being drunk. He went to sleep as soon as we arrived which was 8pm! He never sleeps that early. When I went to the room and asked if he was body he told me to go fuck myself. Next day was Sunday and he left the house really early without telling me where’s he’s going. He gets bank again really drunk. He’s telling me to leave his house and I’m up my family ass! My son was crying as last weekend we visited DH’s aunty (I happily went and had a good time and no dramas like he does) but DS aged 7 left his watch in the Aunts house.dh was supposed to get the watch on Sunday but obviously didn’t. Ds was really upset going up school with a another week of no watch

sorry for any typos I’m in work so quickly typing

OP posts:
Original poster
Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:53

He makes me feel like I don’t have a say in the house as he pays for everything, his parents are paying for an extension and he was saying to me yesterday “you COULD be involved in the planning of the extension but you won’t be”. I feel really sad, I don’t want to break down crying in work now but I feel incredibly lonely.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 19/01/2026 13:53

Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:49

no not new behaviour he’s always been like this. Even when people came to see our eldest as a baby he was fine if it was his family but mine he would slam the doors and be really rude. I feel like for past 10 years (eldest is 10) I’ve been living on autopilot and just getting through day by day. I work long hours too so I’m exhausted to think about him when I get home. I feel I don’t want this life anymore and I do deserve better I think.

the house is only in his name and he pays the mortgage and all the bills. If he was to leave the house I wouldn’t be able to afford it as he’s a high earner but I’m on a very low wage.

I know this sounds weird but what clicked for me yesterday was when out of spite he looked at me and said “ughh you’re so ugly and have saggy tits”. I know I don’t! I do feel ugly as I’ve stopped taking care of myself. But I know I shouldn’t be spoken to like this

OP it doesn't matter if the house is only his name. If you're married, it's a marital asset. Get yourself an appointment with a solicitor and get some proper legal advice. You need to end this abusive relationship. You will be entitled to a financial settlement from the sale of the house or he can buy you out so you have a deposit to rent/buy.

Original poster
Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:55

are there any lawyers on here or people who know a little about this - because we will be on negative equity if we sell as we bought the house only recently and paid well above the asking price (don’t ask me he was solely responsible for this and wouldn’t even allow my opinions, I didn’t like the house but it was his choice as he said his money)

OP posts:
Original poster
Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:57

Can anyone point me in the right direction of finding a solicitor? I feel so overwhelmed. How do I even find one?

OP posts:
ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 19/01/2026 13:59

There is a section on here called Legal Matters. There are also several solicitors on here. Good luck.

Amonthinthecountry · 19/01/2026 14:00

Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:57

Can anyone point me in the right direction of finding a solicitor? I feel so overwhelmed. How do I even find one?

He sounds awful. I’m so sorry. Here is the Law Society’s directory of solicitors - solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk

Original poster
Advicew · 19/01/2026 14:02

If I wasn’t yo divorce him and just stay but completely ignore him how would that work out? I don’t feel strong enough to even start the ball rolling in divorce, it seems really stressful. I know he’s childish and will try to take the kids - I don’t want to share them. At least now if I stay out of his way and just grey rock him then I don’t have to worry about child access and money and where I’ll be living. Any advice on how to do this successfully?

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 19/01/2026 14:04

LoungingontheSopha · 19/01/2026 11:50

I'm not sure what there is to 'understand'. He wants you out of the house and not having visitors so he can get drunk in peace?

This. Sorry.

Do you have somewhere to go?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2026 14:07

Rather than trying to understand him - nothing to understand - he’s an abusive arsehole - try to start understanding yourself and why on earth you remain in a relationship with someone who is a controlling bully.

TheLadyWithoutTheLamp · 19/01/2026 14:10

Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:55

are there any lawyers on here or people who know a little about this - because we will be on negative equity if we sell as we bought the house only recently and paid well above the asking price (don’t ask me he was solely responsible for this and wouldn’t even allow my opinions, I didn’t like the house but it was his choice as he said his money)

Hes coercive and abusive. See Women's Aid. See Cotizens Advice. Get a couple of free appointments with solicitors

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2026 14:11

Sorry, I didn’t read all the way to the end before I posted in fury on your behalf op, but I’m happy to read you’ve realised it. Onwards from here.
practical advice - start gathering info on all your joint assets stealthily.

LoungingontheSopha · 19/01/2026 14:16

Advicew · 19/01/2026 14:02

If I wasn’t yo divorce him and just stay but completely ignore him how would that work out? I don’t feel strong enough to even start the ball rolling in divorce, it seems really stressful. I know he’s childish and will try to take the kids - I don’t want to share them. At least now if I stay out of his way and just grey rock him then I don’t have to worry about child access and money and where I’ll be living. Any advice on how to do this successfully?

Look, if he behaves this badly to you when you’re trying to keep him sweet, I don’t see how you can possible thing he’d be ok with sharing a house while you ignore him?

Isittimeformynapyet · 19/01/2026 14:39

This sounds awful OP.

But if you work long hours and he "pays for everything" you'll have plenty of savings to help you get on your feet. Plus the fact that the house is a marital asset.

Forgive yourself for ignoring all the warning signs for so long and look forward to a better life without him.

cordeliavorkosigan · 19/01/2026 14:46

If you're not ready to leave immediately and he has a high income, can you start saving and planning to leave? Set up a separate account if you need to, take opportunities to add to it whenever you see them, get your other ducks in a row and get support from women's aid and friends in preparation

OpheliaNightingale · 19/01/2026 14:47

@Advicew do you think your husband deserves your understanding? Maybe you need to understand yourself, get in touch with who you are, and what you want and deserve out of life and your relationships x

Bonkers1966 · 19/01/2026 14:50

If you are the one who asks for a divorce 🤔 he will be able to say that it's all on you and play the victim. Long standing strategy.

InterestedDad37 · 19/01/2026 14:54

If he's "always been like this", it begs the question as to what was the attraction in the first place?! Sounds like a total arsehole.
I'm keen on telling people that they don't have to live a miserable existence because of someone else's faults
Give yourself a chance of happiness. 👍

Obscurity · 19/01/2026 14:59

Advicew · 19/01/2026 11:28

He doesn’t like anyone coming over to the house so I don’t invite people over. My adult niece moved 20 minutes from us so on the weekend I met up with her outside of the house and took my children with me. I asked DH if he wanted to come and he replied really sulkily “why would I? I don’t want to see her”. There’s no backstory or any drama with my family, been married 16 years and she’s 22 do he’s known her since she was very young.

I came back from the outing to be met with him being drunk. He went to sleep as soon as we arrived which was 8pm! He never sleeps that early. When I went to the room and asked if he was body he told me to go fuck myself. Next day was Sunday and he left the house really early without telling me where’s he’s going. He gets bank again really drunk. He’s telling me to leave his house and I’m up my family ass! My son was crying as last weekend we visited DH’s aunty (I happily went and had a good time and no dramas like he does) but DS aged 7 left his watch in the Aunts house.dh was supposed to get the watch on Sunday but obviously didn’t. Ds was really upset going up school with a another week of no watch

sorry for any typos I’m in work so quickly typing

Does he usually drink like this or is it out of character for him?

BitOutOfPractice · 19/01/2026 15:02

Advicew · 19/01/2026 14:02

If I wasn’t yo divorce him and just stay but completely ignore him how would that work out? I don’t feel strong enough to even start the ball rolling in divorce, it seems really stressful. I know he’s childish and will try to take the kids - I don’t want to share them. At least now if I stay out of his way and just grey rock him then I don’t have to worry about child access and money and where I’ll be living. Any advice on how to do this successfully?

Do you really want to subject the kids to living like that?

ThatCraftySquid · 19/01/2026 15:05

Advicew · 19/01/2026 13:49

no not new behaviour he’s always been like this. Even when people came to see our eldest as a baby he was fine if it was his family but mine he would slam the doors and be really rude. I feel like for past 10 years (eldest is 10) I’ve been living on autopilot and just getting through day by day. I work long hours too so I’m exhausted to think about him when I get home. I feel I don’t want this life anymore and I do deserve better I think.

the house is only in his name and he pays the mortgage and all the bills. If he was to leave the house I wouldn’t be able to afford it as he’s a high earner but I’m on a very low wage.

I know this sounds weird but what clicked for me yesterday was when out of spite he looked at me and said “ughh you’re so ugly and have saggy tits”. I know I don’t! I do feel ugly as I’ve stopped taking care of myself. But I know I shouldn’t be spoken to like this

Your marriage is over, you know that?

It's ridiculous to tell you to pack a bag and leave, but it's time you sit down, and plan your financial and practical way out of this. It will take the time it takes, and if it's easier to stay put a bit longer while you organise yourself, so be it, but it's over. You deserve better.

No one should be treated like this, but you cannot have children in such a toxic environment.

What would you say if the boss of your niece was telling her: ughh you’re so ugly and have saggy tits

If it 's not acceptable there, it's even less acceptable from your husband.

HelloCheekyCat · 19/01/2026 15:15

Advicew · 19/01/2026 14:02

If I wasn’t yo divorce him and just stay but completely ignore him how would that work out? I don’t feel strong enough to even start the ball rolling in divorce, it seems really stressful. I know he’s childish and will try to take the kids - I don’t want to share them. At least now if I stay out of his way and just grey rock him then I don’t have to worry about child access and money and where I’ll be living. Any advice on how to do this successfully?

Please don't do that to your DC, grew up with an emotionally and verbally abusive (and physically in the end) and it was awful. I sometimes judge my mum for not splitting up sooner because it was so bad for us kids

Luckyingame · 19/01/2026 15:39

BauhausOfEliott · 19/01/2026 12:37

He's a cunt. That's literally all you need to understand. He's a drunk, he's abusive and he's controlling.

Yes, well spotted.
Sadly, that was my "father".
Lifelong issues with being in the Army (another country).

Leave this cunt for the sake of your kid, OP.
Understanding doesn't help in these cases.

Edited to say I didn't even notice the same stark swear word in the post I quoted. 😐

pinkyredrose · 19/01/2026 15:49

no not new behaviour he’s always been like this.

Why did you marry him then? For fucks sake put your kids first and get legal advice, you need this abusive prick out of your lives.

Thepeopleversuswork · 19/01/2026 15:51

There not much to understand. He’s an alcoholic and a cunt. Leave him.

Anyahyacinth · 19/01/2026 16:20

Begin to gather evidence …financial and his abuse.

Does anyone else see his heavy drinking? Are there shopping receipts for alcohol etc…

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