Wish I’d never had a child as I spend everyday terrified I’ll lose him

[Bluepolkadotteapot]

I’m in an absolute mess.
My DS is 7 and is my only child.

Everyday I am absolutely terrified something will happen to him. I don’t know how I can live like this for the rest of my life. It’s truly debilitating.

I don’t sleep very well at night , as I spend lots of time going into his room to check he’s still breathing. I have this huge fear that he’ll just stop in his sleep. I’ve actually convinced myself that if I write it down or think it - that it’ll happen, so it took me an awful lot of strength to write that.

I have diagnosed OCD , autism and ADHD.

I see danger everywhere, I keep reading stories and seeing news articles about parents losing their children for many different reasons and in my worst moments I think it’s a sign it’ll happen.

I have regular intrusive thoughts and images about it.

I’m so frightened of living this way for the rest of my life. What happens when he’s a teenager out with his friends or starts driving? Or he goes abroad?
I live my life in a constant state of terror.

He seemed a bit off tonight when I put him to bed. Said he was really tired which is unlike him (he’s normally a live wire from morning until night) now I’ve convinced myself there’s something wrong and I’m going to need to check on him all night in case.

I think back to before I had him and although I have always suffered with anxiety it was never to this extent. I’m literally living in fight or flight mode 24/7.

Is this normal for parents or not?

It doesn’t sound like a normal level of anxiety. If I were you I would contact the GP to discuss.

I think you need to see your dr. I was like this for months after I had my DD, to the point I couldn’t sleep etc, my health visitor mentioned it can be depression, it went away, I do still think like this but on a minor scale

No, that's not normal, and is a sign your OCD is getting out of control. You need therapy, and possibly anti-anxiety medication. Please see your GP as soon as possible.

No, it's absolutely not, you should discuss this with your doctors

No its not normal.

Go back to the treatment provider of your OCD , autism and ADHD

Not remotely normal. This is more than just anxiety, OP. You sound like you’re in the grip of a mental health crisis. And if you don’t stop obsessing like this you’ll get very ill indeed or pass your fears on to your DS.

You need to write this all down, go to your GP and insist on a referral to a psychiatrist. Take meds if they offer them and have talking therapy.

Yes, all parents fear the worst case scenario, but what you are doing/describing is off the scale. Call your GP first thing in the morning.

No this isn't normal level of anxiety for most parents, although I have occasionally had these thoughts and do worry a lot about DC. But working with someone who's autistic I can tell you this seems rather normal for an autistic female.
You do need help in dealing with it though and I'd also second a vist to your GP to ask for some help.

What help/support have you had so far? Before and after having your child.
What have you tried thats worked?

Is there any trauma in your past?
I ask, as if you have ptsd it can make all of the things you have described (intrusive thoughts etc) so much worse.

Please seek medical help, this level of anxiety is a sign your OCD is not controlled.

I have diagnosed OCD , autism and ADHD

These are a key factor in how you are feeling.
I don't recognise your description and neither would any of my "mum friends"

Were you diagnosed with these before you decided to get pregnant?

You should see a medical professional / seek professional support for your child's sake as much as your own...this will likely be impacting them.

I don’t know what constitutes specific trauma but I’ve had a few traumatic experiences happen in my life.

I’ve seen therapists all my life, since I was a child and had art therapy at the age of 8. I’ve had NHS and private. The NHS prescribed me CBD therapy and the most recent therapist made everything worse and it was a horrible experience.

I’ve been offered medication in the past but I have a real fear of taking anything, I even struggle with paracetamol and ibuprofen. It’s the ocd and health anxiety that convinces me I’ll have a negative reaction to it.

No I wasn’t diagnosed until earlier this year. I’ve been left with no support or help since my diagnosis, just ‘leaflets’.

Psychiatrist and medication, sorry, sounds very difficult and tiring to constantly try and battle your brain.
Medication can really help but of course like anything you have to try different types and get used to things for a few weeks to see how it flows with your body
Mindfulness techniques and body scans to ground yourself when you are thinking too much or having intrusive thoughts

Gently challenge your thinking
You did great writing it all out despite your thoughts. You can see how writing things doesn't make it true. Perhaps write more things down in a journal and attack the thoughts with logic - pros and cons, arguments for and against, as a logical exercise like at school. Self CBT essentially and can self DBT with techniques

You've been in therapy since age 8 with no diagnosis or clear reason?

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp
I was told I had Generalised Anxiety.
The OCD, autism and ADHD wasn’t picked up when I was a child , as I’m very good at masking. As I said it’s got much worse since having my DS.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this op, it's definitely not normal to feel this level of anxiety. I think most parents will understood the place that your concerns are coming from, I've had fleeting thoughts like yours from time to time. But I would say that most of us probably manage to rationalise that momentary feeling of terror and allow it to fade into the background. You definitely need to seek some support to help deal with this, it sounds exhausting.
And I know deep down you must realise that being like this will not help your DC as they start to grow up and become independent. It is our job as parents to prepare our children to eventually live life without us.

Know it may sound strange but would having another child help? I can see how an only child can bring specific worries with it. Btw I am a worrier too, so I understand

I recommend taking practical steps to limit your exposure to news stories about children dying.
seek therapy to address this aspect of internet addiction.
its very common and many sufferers are ashamed. You’re not alone and you need to get help about it. This is the fuel of your intrusive thoughts.

@Fantomfartflinger
My DH doesn’t want anymore as he’s older than me , plus we can’t financially afford another really.
I also had terrible PND and we have no family support nearby so not sure it’s such a good idea. I have considered it though. But it feels unfair to bring another child into my anxiety fuelled life.

I feel like I’d be having another child as a ‘back-up’.

No it isn't normal on any level. Your anxiety is running riot, and you need some professional help. Are you on any medication? If not, I think you need to make an appointment to see your GP. Some CBT therapy or something similar.

I relate to a lot of this but I’m able to control it to a certain extent. I worry about my boy so much, constantly thinking the worst and my brain cannot help but start spurting scenarios and things I’d say or think in those like if he died - I understand that’s crazy, and poorly worded. I also worry that saying that or writing it down has jinxed me in a way, so I was shocked reading your OP because I’ve never seen that written before and it’s one of my fears.

That level of OCD must be so debilitating. You dont deserve to live with that level of anxiety and should definitely seek help.

Another thought: would you consider going away for a few nights to do something fun and leaving DS with DH or your mum? It might allow you a reset.

I'm sure many of us experience fears like you mention, but we don't allow them to take over every waking thought. It's doesn't mean you need to stop caring so much about your son's health or welfare, but you need to ask for help to remove your excessive worrying.

Contact your GP and tell them it's getting unbearable.

Op I feel like a part of me could have written that.
I have anxiety linked to DS. I'm utterly convinced something bad will happen.
I do have it somewhat under control now, I've had therapy and on sertaline, but even still I have mad panicks where I believe he'll die.
Sometimes its when he's poorly with simple things like colds, other times it's when he's out of my sight. Like I had convinced myself we would have a disaster at school and I'm too far away to get to him.
He's my world and my only child.
I've cried myself to sleep many times thinking about all the awful things that I think may happen. It makes you feel powerless and completely out of control.
I break my brain down into two entities. I have my rational brain and my emotional one. I let my emotional one come up with these scenarios then I rationalise them. I'll sit up and research things so I have a better argument. It's utterly exhausting but, as I say, I have a much better handle on it now.
My DS is 9.