Wish I’d never had a child as I spend everyday terrified I’ll lose him

[Bluepolkadotteapot]

I’m in an absolute mess.
My DS is 7 and is my only child.

Everyday I am absolutely terrified something will happen to him. I don’t know how I can live like this for the rest of my life. It’s truly debilitating.

I don’t sleep very well at night , as I spend lots of time going into his room to check he’s still breathing. I have this huge fear that he’ll just stop in his sleep. I’ve actually convinced myself that if I write it down or think it - that it’ll happen, so it took me an awful lot of strength to write that.

I have diagnosed OCD , autism and ADHD.

I see danger everywhere, I keep reading stories and seeing news articles about parents losing their children for many different reasons and in my worst moments I think it’s a sign it’ll happen.

I have regular intrusive thoughts and images about it.

I’m so frightened of living this way for the rest of my life. What happens when he’s a teenager out with his friends or starts driving? Or he goes abroad?
I live my life in a constant state of terror.

He seemed a bit off tonight when I put him to bed. Said he was really tired which is unlike him (he’s normally a live wire from morning until night) now I’ve convinced myself there’s something wrong and I’m going to need to check on him all night in case.

I think back to before I had him and although I have always suffered with anxiety it was never to this extent. I’m literally living in fight or flight mode 24/7.

Is this normal for parents or not?

I have OCD and autism and can really relate.

I've also had/having excellent therapy which is making a big difference. I know you said the last didn't help but can you afford to give it a try again? Honestly, medication (anti anxiety, mood stabiliser, antipsychotic) and therapy are saving my sanity.

I feel for you, it's the worst feeling.

I have felt like this often whilst my dc were growing up. I am also diagnosed with autism and adhd, I do take anxiety meds when I need them but I still have thoughts and dreams of my dc coming to harm…..but not to the extent you do.

I would talk to your GP, I know you say you have had a lot of therapy but sadly it often takes a long time to find the right therapist (I have seen a few too) but there are good ones out there that specialise in OCD and autism.

I always fear that if I stop worrying about him that something bad will happen, because I’m not worrying.

Yes I am exhausted all the time.
Night times are the worst. I spiral much more at night. Not as much during the day.

I have just done a self referral online for therapy through the NHS talking therapies.

I worry about terrible things happening to my children too, within reason.
Your situation is very damaging, this is having a huge impact on your daily life and will eventually lead to your child becoming very nervous and scared about life.
I hope that you get the help you deserve to live a more peaceful life.

I’m also autistic and have OCD and the intrusive thoughts re something bad happening to the children is something I suffer with as well. It sounds like you have it much worse than me though :( I don’t have any particular advice. I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.

Some nights I’m afraid to go to sleep in case something happens.
I'm often so exhausted do I just pass out, then wake up in a panic in the night.
I go into my DS’s room and every night I hold my breath before I go in as I’m scared I’ll find him not breathing, even writing that makes me go wobbly and my chest is tight.

It doesn’t help that I keep reading about ‘manifesting’ - that you can think yourself into good things, so why doesn’t it work the other way around?

This sounds really awful OP, I hope you find some help that really works. You say DS is a live wire, it might not be of course but keep in mind that neurodiversity runs in families so he might have ADHD too.

@starryeyess Hes on the waiting list for AUDHD

I've been through this. It's tough. I did CBT and some work on intrusive thoughts. I know you said therapy hasn't worked for you, but it's not the sessions in therapy that make the difference, it's what you do every time the thoughts arise. It took me a few years, every thought that came I had to acknowledge it and rationalise it. Things are much better for me now. I do still worry, probably more than the average parent but not to the extent I did. The intrusive thoughts still come but I can rationalise and move on a lot quicker. Don't give up on trying to overcome this, things can get better.

Well, you've got the very clear message that we all feel fear to some degree but not to the agonising degree you are & you've ALREADY taken action & done a self referral!! Nice work 😊

Don't be afraid of medication to help you & when you accept it (& you should) do not read the bloody leaflet lol. From one neurotic, health anxiety riddled, DEFINITELY undiagnosed ND woman to another - Do. Not. Read. The. Leaflet.

Also - do not Google.

There will be a thread on here about whatever meds they suggest or you can start a new one to get an idea of what to expect during the initial period of taking it, what's normal in that first month (a lot of weird things it turns out. I genuinely shit my pants in the street talking to my father in law on the first day of taking sertraline 😂). Often, a low dose is just enough to let you grab a hold of the issue & learn to manage it & gain some control.

The depth of fear you're feeling is black-hole stuff, it just sits in your chest & abdomen & eats you alive. It's a horrific sensation that's impossible to understand without having felt it. I have, I get it & you do not need to live like this - you deserve help & deserve to feel better.

This is an extremely abnormal level of anxiety.

Go to your doctor and tell him or her how bad it is. Describe it exactly as you have here.

You need medical help.

And FYI, manifesting is a load of cobblers.

I identify with quite a lot of what you’ve written and would definitely advise you to try to get some more support with your mental health. CBT may not be the right therapy for you - it can be very helpful but doesn’t work for a lot of people, especially those who are neurodivergent. If you’ve done what the therapist has suggested, really tried to challenge those thoughts on a daily basis, kept the thought journals and so on and it still didn’t work for you, it wasn’t the right therapy - time to try something else.

I don’t want to pry but if you think any of this could be linked to trauma in any way, I would highly recommend looking into EMDR, which is used to treat trauma and can be very successful.

Good luck - this kind of thing can be really debilitating.

Not normal at all. I worry about my kids as all parents do, but no where near to this extent. My worries are more whether they’re happy, do I need to support them more with X or Y, are they being bullied. Not about them dying or anything like that.

you need to go to GP ASAP and look into medication

Poor you thus sounds debilitating. You must get medication. I know you struggle with it but think of it as saving your son from this in his future. You have to find a way with support to take the medication. The therapy waitlist is huge and seemingly hasn’t either fit you so far.

in terms of worrying. Can you think of a time when worrying has fixed something? Very unlikely. Prepare for situations, this is helpful. But worry is futile and unsuccessful.
abd remember they’re just thoughts. See them like a train. If a train stopped at your platform going to London and you were headed to Liverpool you wouldn’t get on it. Let your thought be the train, it’s not going to where you need it to be, so watch it, observe it and then let it leave as quickly as it came x

This sounds like your ocd has been triggered off by parenthood op. I would go back to your gp and explain to them exactly and honestly how bad and debilitating it is and request an urgent referral. What you're describing is experienced by lots of people to various degrees, but it's not healthy and you shouldn't have to get on with it alone, you deserve support to manage this.

I had bad ppa after having my son and the intrusive thoughts were awful but the more time I had away from my son when I returned to work, the more it naturally challenged those fears and intrusive thoughts and reassured my brain that things were actually OK. I also found that taking a physical step backwards and repeating to myself, I'm OK, he's OK, we're OK was really helpful for interrupting spiral thinking. But the best thing I did was speaking to my hv at the time. If you don't get a good response with the first gp you see, you request a second opinion. Because you are absolutely right to question this.

I think it's interesting that your ocd is lying to you about how something will happen if you relax a bit. It's essentially gaslighting you because we only ever have so much control over anything. So you could be the most vigilant parent in history and your child still trip and have a cut knee. Mistakes and accidents are actually a very important part of life and building resilience and its a hard balance for us to let go enough to allow our child to build those skills, but hold on tight enough to keep them safe the way they need. But your gut is there for finding that balance once you get your head out of your way. You sound like a really excellent mother given how much it took for you to write that all out and ask for help, you still did it. Well done.

Please see your GP and please reconsider medication - it would be worth it to be free of these anxieties and fears. You sound like a wonderful mum but your anxiety is out of control. Please speak to your GP

Have you tried hypnotherapy? I was really struggling with something that kept me awake nightly and this instantly gave me reprieve and cured my anxiety

I've had similar problems and am also AuDHD.

Have you ever checked if you have MTHFR variants? I'd highly recommend reading into it and how homozygous MTHFR can cause these issues, it's common in people with ADHD, ASD, OCD, EDS, migraines, endo and fibro.

When my thoughts get like yours it's a sign my anxiety is getting put of control. One of my specific fears is a car accident after witnessing one when pregnant. My child was actually run over on a crossing years later, and oddly the anxiety didn't get any worse, and I think it was because I was treating the MTHFR at the time and treating my nervous system. Methylfolate and choline have changed my life, it's really surprising what a couple of pills a day can do.

I hope you feel better soon.

I totally get that medication clearly triggers your OCD. But you also clearly love your son immensely. Could you use that as leverage to compel yourself to take it for the few months it would take to see if it helps? I had a friend with severe OCD and while medication didn't cure it, it did give her enough capacity to maintain some control over it, rather than it controlling her.

You'll be targeted with negative stories online now, that's how the algorithms work.

There are always going to be extremely awful cases happening somewhere in the world due to the vast population and law of probabilities, try and limit your exposure online to these stories and stick to local papers or coming off social media.

Get some specialist help. You cant live like that. And your child will feel trapped when they get older if.you are like this.

Good advice

I was going to say this sounds like pure OCD and then you say you’ve got OCD. You need to tell your GP what’s going on and get some targeted therapy.