Wish I’d never had a child as I spend everyday terrified I’ll lose him

[Bluepolkadotteapot]

I’m in an absolute mess.
My DS is 7 and is my only child.

Everyday I am absolutely terrified something will happen to him. I don’t know how I can live like this for the rest of my life. It’s truly debilitating.

I don’t sleep very well at night , as I spend lots of time going into his room to check he’s still breathing. I have this huge fear that he’ll just stop in his sleep. I’ve actually convinced myself that if I write it down or think it - that it’ll happen, so it took me an awful lot of strength to write that.

I have diagnosed OCD , autism and ADHD.

I see danger everywhere, I keep reading stories and seeing news articles about parents losing their children for many different reasons and in my worst moments I think it’s a sign it’ll happen.

I have regular intrusive thoughts and images about it.

I’m so frightened of living this way for the rest of my life. What happens when he’s a teenager out with his friends or starts driving? Or he goes abroad?
I live my life in a constant state of terror.

He seemed a bit off tonight when I put him to bed. Said he was really tired which is unlike him (he’s normally a live wire from morning until night) now I’ve convinced myself there’s something wrong and I’m going to need to check on him all night in case.

I think back to before I had him and although I have always suffered with anxiety it was never to this extent. I’m literally living in fight or flight mode 24/7.

Is this normal for parents or not?

Thanks for all your replies. I have an initial phone appointment for the talking therapies in two weeks time.

Night times are the most triggering for me really. So anxious every night.

I’m glad you have an appt, hope it helps.

With your anxiety does it help to explore a plan for how you’d respond if the worst thing that you’re worrying about happens? E.g. if you checked on him and he seemed unwell, would it help to have a plan for what you’d check (e.g. temp, resp rate) and how regularly you’d check and when you’d seek medical help? Or would that make it worse? I am the type of anxious who feels better with a plan but my daughter is one who feels worse if she thinks about it.

Sorry you feel like this. Im the same. Im happy with 1 child and I was a single parent so I know I couldn't do that again! Im also getting on a bit so no more kids. I feel like I'm going to be punished which I know in my rationale mind is insane

I have OCD also so I really feel for you.
You deserve so much better than this. Living a life in constant anxiety is exhausting and all consuming. OCD will strip the joy out of every experience it can.
Id recommend checking out OCDUK forums and webpages.
Id also recommend CBT. I know you said it made you worse, but this is what will happen as you are forced to challenge the false belief systems which rigidly control our lives.
I would also suggest seeing your GP to discuss medication. I know you are scared, but how scary does the future look living like you do now? Start on a very small dose and slowly build up. Sertraline is a good choice.