To not want to contribute to a house not in my name?

[Kate8889]

Before we got married or engaged, DH and were living in his small condo for 6 months.

His parents offered to buy us a house so we could have more room, a street away from them that had just gone on sale.

I didn't see anything terribly wrong with this, but now I wish we'd gotten a mortgage and done everything ourselves.

We have two children together (genetically his but not mine due to needing IVF and egg donor, probably not relevant) and if my husband passes the house goes to me, but I have been contributing here and there for repairs, like a new roof and a new door to the sunroom. I also pay my share of utilities/food/real estate taxes etc.

I just feel like I'm investing in something that I realistically have no rights to (at least at this point), although my husband points out we don't have a mortgage and so I'm able to save more because of that.

Every time I ask when I can get my name put on the deed for my own feeling of safety, he says something non-committal.

We have been married since 2021. Am I being ungrateful and unreasonable?

You're correct, my apologies.

I was raised by parents who believed that nothing is more important for a woman than her ability to walk away - from a husband, from a job, from whatever. Women with children have fewer options than men, it’s vital they have full control over them.

It sounds like there’s a cultural difference between you and your DH on the matter of finances and partnership. That’s something else for you to ponder now that you’ve built a family unit together.

This is the man you’ve chosen as your husband and father to your children. You’re young still, the future is full of unexpected events. You must always retain a sense of independence in a marriage, because you might need it. Your husband and in laws are pretty much forcing you to do this anyway. Their methods might be questionable but I personally don’t disagree. Take control of your situation. You can’t rely on your husband, he’s showing you this. Rely on yourself.

Well @Kate8889 you have said a couple of times that if he pre-deceases you, then you would get the house.
I would like to ask who told you that? And how confident are you that (a) they know what they are talking about, and (b) that they told you the truth?

I know sweet FA about US law relating to family trusts (and I wouldn't claim to be an expert on UK ones either), but what I do know is that they are generally set up with the intention of protecting family assets from spouses (whether divorcing or widowed).

So in your shoes I would want absolute, cast iron, legal assurance that you get the house if he were to die.

To answer your original question, yes, I agree with you. Of course you should contribute to the family's day to day expenses, but anything that is structural / maintenance should be covered by your DH and/or his family.

In your position, I would also be investing money regularly into pension (can you do that?) and/or a tax-efficient investment similar to our ISAs. If you are the lower earner because you work fewer hours and have childcare responsibilities then you should ask your DH to give you money to invest for your future.

Correct, it's only my husband

Consult an estate attorney in your state. The fact that you're married likely gives you some rights to the house if he predeceases you.

He made a will that it's mine if that should happen, no worries on that front

You’d be better off posting on a us site where people know about local laws on divorce, death and property ownership. I never understand why Americans choose to post here when it’s UK-centric.

Op if that’s the case he shouldn’t have an issue with you being on the deeds now.

That will could be changed at any time, especially if you split.

Your first post says your in-laws offered to buy 'us' (implying both of you) a house, but then they changed it to only buy him a house. I would explain that given what happened isn't what you agreed to, you would like to move to a property in joint ownership where you will get 50% of the equity upon sale.

They told everyone they were buying it "for us" but in reality they wanted only their son on the deed

Why are you paying for the roof and house upgrades? Why not build your savings to give you more security?

Because my husband says I need to since I'm not paying a mortgage and saving extra money with that. I don't want to seem like a golddigger/cocklodger

Just invest in another property if you have the funds. I would suggest that the fact that neither you nor your husband bought the property, you are just extremely lucky to get anything out of it at all.

Why would you expect to be bought a house by his parents? They have bought it for you. You are living there, rent free. You just don't OWN half of it. If you don't like it, then give it back to his parents. Buy your own house. Problem solved.

I don't expect that but they were presenting themselves as helping "us" out when in reality it was to get their son on the property ladder.

Jesus - they ARE helping you out. YOU HAVE NO MORTGAGE! YOU LIVE RENT FREE!

They were helping you in the sense that you can live mortgage free but perhaps you need to have a conversation with your husband where you explain that you need to save/invest your money (rather than pay towards his house) to give yourself security given he has a large asset and you don’t.

I've tried, he said I should be grateful I'm not paying rent or mortgage

exactly - he is right. Put yourself in the position of his parents and see if that makes you think of things differently?

Ok guess I am wrong

And breathe ... no need to shout 😀

Yes and she is contributing to bills.
There's no way she should contribute to structural work on a building she has no investment in!

You can and should be grateful whilst also needing to protect your future by building your own assets.

OP, if the issue with getting your name on the deeds is that there is a loan from the trust, is that a loan the two of you are repaying? If not then you're never going to get your name on the deeds (until DH dies!) and that's a big problem.

In this case it would be reasonable to tell your DH that you need to start treating that loan like a mortgage and pay it off, because you need a firmer investment portfolio and owning your own house is a sound part of that.

If you are paying it off, but slowly, then increase your payments.

The result of this will, presumably, be that you need to cut back on other expenditure. But it puts you in a stronger long term position - investment over spending money on day to day.

It will be interesting to see if a change to your standard of living that affects you DH will suddenly open up another way for you to be put on the deed. Because it seems odd to me that a trust would pay for it and put it in your DH's name and it not be legal for DH to transfer it into joint. The trust would have to maintain an interest in the property somehow and why would it do that unless the whole point was to ensure you didn't get to go on the deeds - and why would your DH not have known that right from the off? So I do think you've been played a bit here. Given the impression your getting something that you aren't in order to get your agreement to move intot he house.

And you are (grateful), of course you are.

But it still isn't right to expect you to pay for structural repairs and large maintenance bills when this is an asset you have no investment in.

You would be contributing to his profit in effect.

She is in a position where she will receive 50% of any increase in value of the house. So she should be contributing towards it.

Let me shout - I feel she is not listening to me :)