Don’t know how to deal with this self sabotage from 12 year old

[Blueeyedstork]

My son is 12
in most ways he is a great son, doing well at school, lots of friends, good relationship with us, healthy, happy etc

and then comes the self sabotage, I don’t know what other way to describe it
ever since the age of about 7 he will be asked if he wants to do a certain thing like go to the park, go on a footy game. He will say yes and then just before we are about to get ready he says no.

He then waits for the last possible minute and suddenly says he wants to again. This end in tears and screaming that he always wanted to do it. We have always stood firm and said not it’s to late and managed the fall out and out consequences in place such as taking away screen time etc. anyway this seemed to stop about a year ago.

Before Christmas a change came up for some extra coaching in his sport that he does with a pro team. You go along to the session and if you think you are good enough you get picked to do a longer course. So we signed him up- all ok.

A Week ago he said he does not want to do it anymore, we try a bit to talk him round but he is adimate he does not want to go (we are not paying any money for this). Anyway yesterday he suddenly said he wanted to do it so we said ok as we really think it will do him good.

this morning DH goes into his room to get him up and DS says no he is too tired. 20 minutes later DH went in again and said last chance as we will need to set off in 10 minutes. This was 8.15 and the course started at 9am. DS again says he did not want to go.

anyway 45 minutes later DS comes running in the room dressed saying he is ready to go. I say it’s too late it will have already started. Cue total meltdown, screaming it’s our fault and we did not give him chance to get up- etc etc etc. shouting that he hates us and we have ruined his chance. No reasoning with him what so ever. He picked up a pile of clothes and threw them so the PlayStation has now gone for a week.

I just don’t know what to do, this is the only thing we have major issues with. I don’t know why he does it as he obviously wants to do the activity or outing. I have no idea what is going on in his head.

anyone else experienced this and any tips

This sounds like anxiety or an issue with transitions and changes.

Has he shown any other signs of anxiety or neurodivergence?

Quite common in ASD, could be masking but feel anxiety about the unfamiliar and sounds like he has a meltdown

No none at all. We have told school about these issues but they have said he copes with change well and they have no concerns. Unless we have missed something. I have epilepsy so somethings do change at the last minute (not often) and he is fine with it

I agree with previous posters. Anxiety regarding transitions

Sounds like anxiety. The nearer something gets the more anxious he is so the easy way out is to not go. Then after he has said he doesn't want to go and the event is getting close he becomes anxious about not going and missing out so he wants to go again. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know the answer but I don't think viewing it as self sabotage is helpful.

I am open to the poss we might have missed something.

aspects of this sound familiar to my son although he has mostly grown out of the worst of it. Might be helpful to Google task switching for anxious children.

He may not have visible issues in school because he has learnt to mask his feelings, which is why everything explodes at home.

Pretty much everything you describe is textbook ASD and anxiety (ask me how I know!).

I know self sabotage is not the best but I didn’t know how else to describe it. He is always happy to take part in school teams an last year he got called up to the under 15s in his sport and he loved it

How do you know. I am more than willing to accept there might be something he is struggling with. So in that case is the punishment the wrong thing to do

He also struggles with new textures especially when eating so has quite bland diet

Yes definitely anxiety. Make sure he knows what is happening, try a schedule for the day, send videos/pics if available of where you're visiting. Stay calm, talk it through and reiterate the plan often.

Anxiety.

I would absolutely address it head on with him. So

"Would you like to do the extra coaching?"
"Hmm yes ok"
"That's good. You know how sometimes you want to do things and then change your mind and we all get stressed and confused on how to do what you want? How do you think we can help you get to the extra coaching? You might get worried about it and change your mind, even when you do kinda want to do it? I could be firm and insist on you going but that might make you really unhappy. We could get in the car to go but you could have a special code word which would mean that you absolutely, no changing your mind can go home. I don't mind whether you go or not but the way that we're doing things at the moment is stressing us all out, you most of all. You're old enough to decide whether you want to do something or not and I will listen to what you want. Its not my choice if you go, it's yours, and if you change your mind, I can come and get you. Just be aware that you might lose the opportunity"

And then be very calm. I've had 2 children who have had anxiety (asd) and they benefited hugely from being able to chose, to change their mind and to feel the consequences of their decisions. You need to be very calm though, you aren't personally invested in this.

100% agree with others around anxiety and transitions and potential neurodivergence.

I think one thing you could do OP is maybe next time one of these situations arise is when he says no, just say ok. Yourself and DH discreetly still prepare yourselves for it to go ahead. Obviously, if its not too much inconvenience for you, then just still go ahead with the plan when your DS changes his mind. If you turn up late then just apologise and see how that goes.

See if it makes any difference at all.

Its really common for ND kids to mask when not at home. Honestly the amount of times we have chaos in the morning in my home, meltdowns the lot then soon as we approach school, they go in happy as larry!

You mention the textures of food. Are you sure he isn't neurodiverse? There are many different ways nd presents, but textures, transitions, anxiety? These can all kinda go together...

Because you're describing me as a teenager, alongside the issues with texture and food. I was finally diagnosed with autism last year.

Have you done an ASD checklist on his behalf? I think it might be something worth exploring from your posts.

This sounds very like my daughter who does similar things. It is definitely an anxiety response. I’m not sure we’ve ever really understood how to manage it. She’s getting better now as she gets older so that is something.

I have just sat down and had a chat with him and it turns out mother in law told him that if he did not do this he would be blowing his big chance to be a pro. FFS

I’d stop with the random punishments for a start. They’re disproportionate and don’t make sense. He’s showing anxious behaviour and you take something away for a week. Just stop doing that.

I’d work on getting to the bottom of it all and in the meantime, start to preempt him. You will have known he was likely to race in this morning with a change of mind so you could have been prepared to that and be good to go

Why is everything ASD? He sounds like a brat.

You are right LilyFeather
but he has not done this in quite a while and we thought we were past it.

I’ve done this myself as a child and adult. Signed up for something then chickened out then regretted the chickening out so much that I hate myself.
As a parent I would not allow him to bac out. If you sign up you do it. No changing minds. Taking away the choice and forcing him to go isn’t cruel it’s helpful.

As an adult I sometimes need to arrange things so I can’t back out - like arranging to give a friend a lift to a race so I can’t back out. Or arranging to meet someone there. Or at least telling my friends on my running WhatsApp that im going to Parkrun so it’s less easy to back out. Accountability basically. Cause otherwise I’ll stay home cause it’s easier then regret it so bad.

This sounds like anxiety - if you know he really wants to do it, just say we need to go in 10 mins but really it's 30 mins and if he changes his mind then you can still go.

I would talk to him though and name feelings when you have them, I feel nervous about this, talk about how that feels for your body/mind and then scaffold that to and this is about what I do when I feel like this.

It took me years, into adulthood, to realise that how I was feeling was anxiety and panic and it was fine to sit in feelings, for a child it's just an overwhelming feeling that they don't know how to manage.

No, he doesn't 🙄