Don’t know how to deal with this self sabotage from 12 year old

[Blueeyedstork]

My son is 12
in most ways he is a great son, doing well at school, lots of friends, good relationship with us, healthy, happy etc

and then comes the self sabotage, I don’t know what other way to describe it
ever since the age of about 7 he will be asked if he wants to do a certain thing like go to the park, go on a footy game. He will say yes and then just before we are about to get ready he says no.

He then waits for the last possible minute and suddenly says he wants to again. This end in tears and screaming that he always wanted to do it. We have always stood firm and said not it’s to late and managed the fall out and out consequences in place such as taking away screen time etc. anyway this seemed to stop about a year ago.

Before Christmas a change came up for some extra coaching in his sport that he does with a pro team. You go along to the session and if you think you are good enough you get picked to do a longer course. So we signed him up- all ok.

A Week ago he said he does not want to do it anymore, we try a bit to talk him round but he is adimate he does not want to go (we are not paying any money for this). Anyway yesterday he suddenly said he wanted to do it so we said ok as we really think it will do him good.

this morning DH goes into his room to get him up and DS says no he is too tired. 20 minutes later DH went in again and said last chance as we will need to set off in 10 minutes. This was 8.15 and the course started at 9am. DS again says he did not want to go.

anyway 45 minutes later DS comes running in the room dressed saying he is ready to go. I say it’s too late it will have already started. Cue total meltdown, screaming it’s our fault and we did not give him chance to get up- etc etc etc. shouting that he hates us and we have ruined his chance. No reasoning with him what so ever. He picked up a pile of clothes and threw them so the PlayStation has now gone for a week.

I just don’t know what to do, this is the only thing we have major issues with. I don’t know why he does it as he obviously wants to do the activity or outing. I have no idea what is going on in his head.

anyone else experienced this and any tips

My 12 yo DS has ADHD, autism and ODD and is exactly the same.
It is not being a brat. It's anxiety, sudden fear of not being good enough, of overthinking things that might go wrong. We haven't managed to find a solution, but you have my sympathy.

My son is autistic and does this for almost everything we do that’s a bit different, even if it’s something he wants to do.

My daughter was quite similar in that she’d play up when she was going to friends parties and things. I think it’s anxiety and they’re torn between being anxious about it and really wanting to do it, so it’s about finding ways to manage the anxiety.

Well that's not going to help when the issue likely stems from anxiety.

My DD is similar down to the issues sometimes around sport and the level she is at.

She has an excellent opportunity coming up next weekend at the national centre for the sport she plays. She wants to go but her anxiety is telling her not to. She is not owning the fact that it is anxiety but is saying things like 'it's boring' 'it will take up too much time' etc etc.

DD is autistic, she will most likely end up going AND enjoying it but the worst thing to do is to punish or to tell her she has to go/ would be ruining an opportunity.

She is a bit older than your DS.

Son used to do this too, he once said he just felt like he couldn’t face it and then sometimes could convince himself. Really difficult and yes so sad for them as you know they’ll love it.

I think he’s a bit too young still to give him the amount of choice that you are doing. Yes, ask him if he wants to go initially, but when it comes down to it, tell him he’s committed and he has to get up/ready

when someone is neurodiverse and anxious this 'common sense' approach can massively backfire.

You are better off giving options and letting the person feel in control otherwise the anxiety can spiral.

Anxiety, possibly ND, masking at school. And he's being punished for it. Not your fault as you didnt know, but this needs a diagnosis and counselling asap.

What happens if you don’t give him a choice? So he had agreed to go to an event. Then 1 hr before, you ask him to get ready. He says he doesn’t want to go.

so you say - well we are going so get ready. Help him get the right kit. Tell him to put the kit on and then see how he feels. Cajole him into the car. But never let him avoid going.

Agree with all saying anxiety. Have you asked him at a time when it's not happening about how it all goes in his mind? If not, I suggest doing that. Sometimes there's an ingredient you really didn't expect.

I have found this book really useful for helping with various scenarios. I can't remember if there's anything like your son's situation in it but it's very good at helping you map out an approach. I did a parent course that used it. There was something about finding out what the core worry is (probably something like 'i can't play as well as everyone else' or something in your son's case) and then empathising without validating the fear, where you say 'yes, I would feel worried if I thought that was going to happen too '. For me and my DD this technique was like a magical key that made her trust me with her worries and although of course they didn't go away it took away the conflict around her worries which made it much easier to tackle them.

amzn.eu/d/iBAF6qU

He might be reacting to your epilepsy and how it affects the family. It might be worth getting assessment for adhd but as he’s high functioning at school, it could be a phase. After all, puberty is beckoning and everything changes then.

The book is 'helping your child with fears and worries ' by Cathy Cress well and Lucy Willets if you don't want to click that admittedly dodgy looking link 😁

Nothing here says ADHD to me. I would be wanting an assessment for autism based on what OP describes - issues with food and texture, anxiety with transitions and changes are all key "warning" signs.

I would try taking the decision out of his hands at the last minute point. You’re not asking him to get up and get ready you’re telling him. Get up now it’s time to get ready and go. You’ve have committed to this, it’s rude to pull out now, we are not people who cancel at the last minute and waste other people’s time. We do what we say we will do. Be really firm ‘I’m not interested in excuses the time for deciding if you want to go has passed’. You’re basically doing for him what he can’t do for himself yet. With repeated practice he will be able to though, scaffold it for him. Obviously not if he’s sick, over tired etc.

Honestly, this has the potential to end in absolute disaster for someone who is likely neurodiverse. They will either melt down spectacularly and lash out, or go into shutdown.

Definitely sounds like anxiety to me and he needs help with tools that can manage it. I struggled a bit like this as a kid. Simply forcing him to do what he's signed up to without any tools to help him manage the anxiety will just make it worse, as he will feel like he has no control and that will make the fear/panic/frozen feeling worse.

DD is like this when her anxiety is bad (she's really struggled for her whole life). Take the decision away from him i.e, you're signed up, be ready to leave at 8 and then make him get up and get ready. If he's late then he's late, make him go anyway. It's not easy when they don't want to / feel they can't but it does help in the long run.

Anxiety with a touch of PDA.

Try this.

https://autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-low-demand-parenting-or-a-low-demand-approach/

“Everything” isn’t. You sound thick.

Is this all around the same situation? Is all around the one sport?

I have a son that can be anxious and doesnt always present itself as that (so same as you, just deciding he doesnt want to do it). It doesnt always have to be a bout neurodiveristy, sometimes kids can just be a pain in the arse or it could be something else!

My son has largely grown out of it

not everyone is neurodiverse and the OP has explained he has no other signs of this

he does though, she mentions textures and food, those issues are also signs of autism.

People can have sensory preferences and even sensory disorders without it being ND

For many children the choice being removed does lower anxiety, for others it increases anxiety, ND or not, so its about OP finding what fits for her son. How does he manage transitions at school.

Scrolled down to say PDA too. He is at the age where hormones kick in and what was manageable before suddenly isn’t any more

Can you build in an extra hour, like telling him you need to leave at 7.30 not 8.30? Then it gives him time to go through his want to go/don't want to go cycle and you can still get there?