Aunty visits?

[Curiouscat24]

For context, I have two children. One aged 5 and one aged 8. My sister has an extremely busy social life, married, no children. Lives 10 minutes away from us.

She sees my children once a month at a push. She doesn’t ask how they are, she isn’t in touch with them even on a weekly basis. Am I unreasonable to expect her to see them more? Even if it just means coming out with us on a day trip for example. I feel like she fits them in where there is a small slot of time, & makes it as brief as possible.

it makes me so sad as they were once so close with her and now they’re older and the lack of contact has been noticed by them.

It sounds like she’s got a busy social life, to be honest I think once a month seeing children sounds about right - especially if the alternative is full day trips!

My nephew is lovely but I’d rather just see him in short bursts than spend an entire weekend day on a child centred day trip, perhaps she’s the same? I’ll probably spend more time with him when he’s older and more easy to do things with.

What do you think you would want from her? Weekly visits? Monthly day trips? It’s unclear from your post how much would be “enough”, besides weekly check ins (which to me would be overkill).

(Double posted)

At the moment you are different paths and your sister is just busy.
if she goes on to have children this could change, but for now, I’d just focus on your friends either way babies.
Try keep your relationship with your sister going , but keep baby talk to a minimum.

This is very much a you problem. She's a busy woman. Seeing you may be a priority for her, but wasting a day every other weekend on a day out with someone else's children when you don't have your own is not necessary or interesting to many people. I'm sure your children aren't as arsed as you want them to be emotional blackmail .

I think once a month is quite normal. Most people work during the week. After work you have maybe 3 or 4 hours to make dinner, eat, wash, and relax before bed. On the weekend it's food shopping, housework and life admin which really means one day a week to do any socialising. Assuming you're not the only family member, seeing you once a month means 3 other days a month to see other family members/friends or have some downtime.

If its not face to face visits your looking for and just a check in, are you able to contact her?

I get that it's sad for you, but our children are generally not as important to other people as they are to us! And spending time with other people's children can be quite stressful/loud etc.

Thanks for the replies. I can see the rational in them. We do have a large age gap so she will no doubt have children at once stage and things may be different then.

I have probably forgotten how dull day trips can be.

I feel like I’m surrounded by friends that spend a vast amount of time with their aunties and uncles. But yes, perhaps it is because the children have cousins in those relationships.

This is unnecessarily harsh.

it isn’t “someone else’s children” as you so bluntly put. It is her family.

it isn’t emotional blackmail, she doesn’t have a clue about any of their comments. I’d rather they weren’t bothered.

I do wonder if you speak to your friends like this or if it’s easy as you’re hidden behind a screen.

I would also say the same to my friends if they were being so unreasonable. And they are your children, you find them fascinating, but it is entirely reasonable that she does not.

Lots of people don’t like children that aren’t theirs and whilst they can put on a good pretence, they don’t want to be subjected to spending more time than necessary with them. It’s quite possible that will change with age (on both sides).

Once a month seems like a lot to me! How often do you do things just with her, social activities that she would enjoy?

I’d say once a month is quite a lot. More than generous with her time actually.

Once a month seems like a lot to me! How often do you do things just with her, social activities that she would enjoy?

I don’t think it can be assumed that everybody will automatically become a doting aunt or uncle just because their sibling has decided to have children. It’s a bonus if they are, but bestowing a role onto somebody which they haven’t chosen and then expecting them to play it is a bit unreasonable. If she doesn’t have children of her own and therefore the motivation to visit more so the cousins can all play together, she may just not be that interested beyond the brief social visits.

I think once a month is a lot. And remember, if you don’t have kids, they can be quite tiresome.

I was honestly once was your younger sister! 7 year gap between my older sister and I. She had kids who I love dearly and sometimes babysat for her. I was a fun aunty I think. Never day trips tho cos thats a real drag. I can tell you I never once thought to "check in" or ask "how are they".

Well, life got in the way and I hadnt seen them for a while. She rang me and said X and Y have been asking after you and want to see you. I made it more of a priority to see them then. Why not gently be honest with your sis?

My sister is a bit like this, I actually think it’s really sad but I can’t change that. I can’t believe a single person is busier than a mum with kids but it is what it is.

Monthly visits are plenty, for anything.
OPs sister is not single, and childfree womens lives, busyness, and free time are just as valid and important as people who chose to have a kid.

Perhaps not busier but maybe working full time and having t a ball socialising and leading her own full and active life in her free time.

Are you friends? Do you socialise together?

I don't see my sister's kids (much as I actually like them) because we're not friends, so she priortises seeing her friends and is very busy with a very big job.

She does the whole "you're single, you must have so much time" thing on me too, which is irritating.

Plus you can't just drop in on her, she doesn't invite me and I'm not good at making plans, so I've given up making so much effort. When I do go there, I feel tolerated and it looks like a relief to them when I leave. But I still get moaned at for not being interested in the kids.

I honestly think you can't win as an aunty sometimes. If you want to see her more, organise something smaller than a day out too and see if that helps. But she might just be really busy with stuff going on.

I honestly think tho, forgot to say it above, the families that have aunties that see the kids a lot are the ones where the parents and their siblings are actually friends too who do stuff together.

Once a month is probably above average

Are you close to your sister? Did you see her regularly before you had your children? Do you see her separately now at all?

As a childless woman I can honestly tell you that spending that much time with primary aged children, even if we share blood, is nowhere near the top of my list of priorities. If you haven’t had your own children or been exposed to young children much, it’s not easy to relate to them and know how to amuse them, and it’s hard work! Which is why parents are always glad when someone competent takes them and gives them a break. I think you should cut her some slack, and wait until she has children of her own and then see if the cousins enjoy spending time together.

I'm the auntie in this scenario. I see my sister's kids about once a month on average. They're my favourite little people and we have a great relationship, but I'm not "in touch with them on a weekly basis" because, well, they're kids and not on WhatsApp! 😉

Have you ever actually asked her if she’s free the weekend after next to come and join you all for a trip to the zoo, because the DC would like it? She might be amenable to an invitation.

I can’t say I’ve ever contacted my brother or SIL to ask how my niece and nephew are, if we’re talking anyway I’ll after them ask much as I’ll ask “how’s work?” and “how’s the house renovation going?” If something specific happens I’ll be told. Other than that they’re children, living ordinary children lives, I can assume they’re fine.