Aunty visits?

[Curiouscat24]

For context, I have two children. One aged 5 and one aged 8. My sister has an extremely busy social life, married, no children. Lives 10 minutes away from us.

She sees my children once a month at a push. She doesn’t ask how they are, she isn’t in touch with them even on a weekly basis. Am I unreasonable to expect her to see them more? Even if it just means coming out with us on a day trip for example. I feel like she fits them in where there is a small slot of time, & makes it as brief as possible.

it makes me so sad as they were once so close with her and now they’re older and the lack of contact has been noticed by them.

I don't have children. Like fuck am I spending the precious free time I have going on childrens days out. Once a month is more than I'd offer. I think your expectations are wild really.

I assumed that when my neices/nephews became older teens I'd be taking them out,giving them lifts etc to help out, as well as spend time with them. But sadly they think it would be weird to be with me and not their mum so it hasn't happened. And general family days out haven't been suggested or made welcome. Maybe you need to ask her to do specific things, maybe she feels hesitant to ask? Probably not, but that's my experience.

She's busy.

Other people's kids and their activities aren't all that

For me, weekly contact would be a lot.
But also I don’t think that it should feel like they are an after thought in her life. Meeting as much as once a month is good I think

It’s this attitude that is making her stay away. It’s very draining to be told all the time that “You don’t know what busy/tired/stressed is until you have kids”.

I would never say this to her, it’s 100% her choice to see me and the kids or not. It’s her life.

But you’re clearly making that judgement.

My kids auntie also lives 10 mins away, see them maybe every 2 months. Never calls, or asks about them.
She does love them, just doesn't have much time for them. Kids would absolutely love to see her more often.
I think that's pretty normal.
She has no kids.

but you do believe that though. You believe that a childfree woman can never be as busy as a mother. It’s simply not true and perhaps that belief rubs off on her. Or, she actually is busier than you.

The unpalatable truth, OP is that other people's children - even nephews or nieces that you love - are really kind of boring, especially at these ages. No longer tiny adorable wee things, but not yet good conversationalists and generally interested in a lot of activities an adult is bored stiff by.

I've done it before and after having my own kids. I have more patience with that age group now that my own are adults than before I had any of my own, but I still must admit to being rather bored.

The only people I know who see a lot of their uncles and aunts are doing so because the cousins want to play together.

If she's seeing them more than a few times a year I think she's doing well.

The OP might not be enjoying this thread but I feel a whole lot better. Thanks folks, I've always felt quite guilty but honestly, it's so hard as you do feel like you're interupting family life and limited spare time.

What I'm hearing here is that you're sorry for your kids that they're seeing less of someone they love and is v precious to them. I really understand the value of these relationships. I'm really lucky that my sister (who doesn't have her own children) is a very loving and supportive aunt, and I'm all for the different skills, views and love that wider family and friends can bring to one's children and life in general. I wonder if you let your sister know how much she means to your children if it would help? Rather than it being something she owes you and your family, approaching it from the angle of how much you value her and would love to see more of her if possible?

You,re unreasonable. She,s just enjoying her busy life. Be happy for her! 🤩

Then you all for your replies. Some made me smile, some not as much! The monthly thing was at a push.

I know a few of you have asked, before I had children we used to go to the gym together, the cinema and nights out, holidays.

We do invite her to our house for dinner, picnics, we’ve offered for her to come to theme parks with us, all offers have been turned down. The checking in was more sending a message asking how we are. I do send messages and call but I know when life is busy you don’t always get a chance to answer. My son recently fractured his arm and we didn’t hear from her. It did hurt but life is busy.

I suppose that is what this AIBU is for. It has made me see things from a different view point. Pre kids I spent a lot of time with other people’s children and had great relationships with them. I have friends that spend a lot of time with their nieces and nephews. They collect them from school every week but that is easier said than done I know. But yes, I can see that they can be frustrating (to be polite) and the activities aren’t always fun.

I just wanted them to be close to their aunty rather than now when they don’t really know her and she doesn’t know them.

Thanks again for the insight. It has made me feel better, rather than feeling neglected and sorry for myself, I see that this is mainly the norm and doesn’t seem as personal as I was taking it.

I would maybe check that more isn't going on, if you were close before.

I think you are expecting way too much. Our siblings hardly ever see our kids...

Sorry they are someone else’s children- yours. I’m only vaguely interested in other people’s children. Including nieces and nephews and close friends children. I love them, but they aren’t that interesting, when I didn’t have kids I didnt see them that often and would often see the parents to go out in the evening. I am extremely interested in my own children.

We have one sib between us (out of 6) who makes a big effort to see our children. They are doted on by their uncle and he comes round at least twice per week, is happy to babysit when we are out and will probably come on holiday when they are older. But it’s unusual, I don’t see friends with this relationship and it’s because my bil is really close to my husband and won’t have children of his own.