Aunty visits?

[Curiouscat24]

For context, I have two children. One aged 5 and one aged 8. My sister has an extremely busy social life, married, no children. Lives 10 minutes away from us.

She sees my children once a month at a push. She doesn’t ask how they are, she isn’t in touch with them even on a weekly basis. Am I unreasonable to expect her to see them more? Even if it just means coming out with us on a day trip for example. I feel like she fits them in where there is a small slot of time, & makes it as brief as possible.

it makes me so sad as they were once so close with her and now they’re older and the lack of contact has been noticed by them.

She isn't single, it says married in the first post. Maybe, she, I dunno prioritises time with her husband over time with someone else's kids. I'd do the same.

Don’t you want to spend time with her as a sister? It’s like you see her as a support person for your children rather than someone you care about and want to spend time with.

Me and my sister may as well be joined to the hip, she’s a married, financially privileged childfree woman, with a life of her own but who we see about 4 times a week. She collects my son from school twice a week! Now, I’m different to you in that she treats my son like he’s her own in respect of time, interest and materialistically too but that’s because she wants to. There is no way I would expect it from her.

The thing is, they are your children, not hers. She’s not obliged to have anything to do with them just because she’s related biologically. You might think it’s a shame (and so do I!) but she’s doing nothing wrong and she isn’t out of order for it.

I’ll be honest, I don’t hold much interest in other people’s children either.

I was the aunty in this situation. I remember worrying that if I dropped in after work, I’d be interrupting tea/bath/bed etc. I worried that if I asked if I could visit or spend time with them over the weekend I’d be taking away family time which is so precious for working families. When I called my sis, I focussed on her and what was going on in her life, because I wanted her to know that I valued her as a person, not just as a mum.

In hindsight, realise that I got all of that wrong. But I meant well, and was simply trying to work out my role in the wider family.

I probably spent time with the kids about once a month and felt love for them as if they were my own. Now they are older, I adore them as do my DC. We don’t keep in close contact, but they know I’d drop everything if they need me and that (after my own DC and DH) they are my world. I am so proud of them,and proud of my sis for bringing up such wonderful DC.

Other than that they’re children, living ordinary children lives, I can assume they’re fine.

This! What's she meant to do, text you asking how they are? How much is there to say? They went to Brownies and dancing and drew a picture? Great. I think it's right to assume that if anything major happens, you'll tell her. I like seeing my nephew, but I think the basis for regular contact falls to the relationship with his parents. If you and your sister weren't/aren't close and wouldn't see each other regularly before kids, once a month seems fine.

It's actually really nice (as a childfree woman) to see so many people on this thread sticking up for the sister. There is often a perception that we have so much free time and can be emotional support humans for parents. Assuming your sister is working full time, by the time you clean the house, socialise, exercise, meal prep, and have some down time to read or watch TV, it's not like you have tons of spare time.

Aunts aren't always a significant part of life. I have 6 and only maintained contact with 1 into adulthood and I'd guess the fact she was mother of my favourite cousin played a part in that. I think you may be overthinking this, once a month is plenty.

Here's the old adage: Other people don't find your children half as interesting and delightful as you do.

I'd say once a month is entirely reasonable. And only then because you live so close. What would you expect if she lived, say, 2 hours away?

Some people have no interest in children… even those related to them. My best friends are both child free and find children overstimulating, annoying, overwhelming, boring and gross. Hence why they have chosen not to have any. They are better when the child is a baby and not toddler-primary age as babies don’t have conversations or want to play.

You chose to have your children. She didn’t.

They are your children, not hers.

Yes of course she is just fitting them in in gaps - they are not her children!

I saw my aunts a couple of times a year growing up, at special events, and as an adult had perfectly good relationships with them.

I don’t really understand why you’d think her life has to change because you decided to have children.

I know you got offended when someone described your kids as ‘someone else’s children’ but that is exactly what they are to her. Yes, she’s related to them but they aren’t her kids and she isn’t responsible for them and doesn’t have to spend her time doing kiddy things when she doesn’t have any kids. She sees them once a month or so and that’s totally fine and normal - she doesn’t need to be asking how they are all the time in between. She has her own life. You have yours. You’re in touch and she sees her nieces/nephews regularly - they don’t have to be on her mind all the time for her to care about them.

You can’t really expect someone to give up a chunk of their life to do things that fit around your choices - it would be selfish to place that obligation on her.

I was a happily childfree woman till I was almost 40 and decided to ttc. Now that I have DS, I haven’t had a personality change overnight, and I certainly don’t think my childfree siblings should rearrange their lives around him!

I definitely saw my nieces and nephews in varying degrees. Sometimes every week sometimes not for a month. It actually got worse as they got older as they would rather be with friends/ gaming etc.

I have had my daughter later in life and so my sister doesn’t get chance to see her much as she is working and life gets in the way. The difference is that she still asks about her regularly.

This is so self centred. You chose to have children (which yes is hard and means a lot of juggling and self-sacrifice) . She does not have children. Why on earth should she change her life because of you decided to have kids?

I’m child free by choice. When I was younger, I also had loads of friends/busy social life. A day out with a five and an eight year old was up there with ‘I’ve got you a ticket for the navitity play’

How much did you see your sister before you had children? How often and what sort of things did you do together?

I think once a month is quite a lot - i certainly didnt see my aunties more than that.

If your sister is younger than you and likely to have children in the future, how often would you anticipate going on day trips with your sister and her family?

In my experience, a lot is often expected of the younger sibling before they have children in terms of babysitting, trips out, etc but then it is rarely replicated by the older sibling once the younger one has children. The excuse being they also have children - even if they are teens and doing their own thing a lot more.

I can see why she doesn’t want to spend much time with you, if this is the way you think of her.

Whether she is busy or not is entirely irrelevant. Your life with your kids isn’t more important than her single life.

Your life choices should have zero impact on her life. Why should she give up a load of her time because you chose to have a family?

This is unfair. I'm single, no kids
I work full time in the NHS, including a weekly on-call which could have me out for 12+ hours. Outside of work I care for two vulnerable adults, one with dementia and one with a significant learning disability. I also have a part time cleaning job at the weekend.
I'm active and like to go to the gym, I have my own house to clean and maintain myself, and have the usual daily tasks that all adults have (cooking, laundry, making appointments, grocery shopping etc).

I would say that my life is a lot busier than some "mums with kids". There are also mums that would be busier than me. It's not a competition, and there is no way you can make a judgement on how busy someone's life is based on whether they have kids or not.

I have probably forgotten how dull day trips can be.

I doubt it’s boredom or anything, I think when you live close to family you somehow end up making less effort to see them as you assume you’ll see them very soon. And busy lives now mean you get to a weekend and plan to do things and don’t/ have too much on. My db and his kids are only half an hour away and we see my family from two hours away more because we all have to make the effort!!

I don't have young kids any more but the thought that I 'should' give up my precious free time to go to places full of children because a relative thought I should be spending more time with her kids fills me with dread! Especially if she was expecting me to pay for the privilege (eg £25 for a zoo) or help with childcare 😂.

If you want her to see your kids more, invite her round for lunch/dinner/takeaway. Obviously you can suggest day trips out but I would say if she did that once a year, that would be pretty good going.

People without kids enjoy their weekends too you know. It's their time off work when they want to do things they enjoy.

do you make the effort to visit her, or do something she might like rather than expecting her to fit in with your plans? both alone (as sisters) occasionally but also with the DC? I know it's slightly different because you only live 10 mins away but my siblings had DC before me and it was always me who was expected to travel to them - they never once bothered to come to me.

It's fairly understandable she and her DH might not want to come along to the family day out to the local trampoline park or whatever but perhaps she'd like to take them out individually somewhere that she's interested in - museum/formula 1/parkrun/cinema, whatever now they're a bit older.

perhaps she'd like to take them out individually somewhere that she's interested in - museum/formula 1/parkrun/cinema, whatever now they're a bit older.

Equally, perhaps she might not. Taking two young kids out can be expensive and quite hard work.

What did you and her do together before you had kids, apologies if you've answered this and I have missed it?

Adding that the DC’s ages may well be a factor. I have a goddaughter, and godmother is a role I did actually choose to take on, unlike aunt. The baby and early toddler years were fine because she didn’t really take much to amuse; and now that she’s 12 she’s a delight who I can have a sensible and interesting conversation and do cool stuff with. But there was a loooong period in the middle where spending time with her was definitely more of a chore and a duty than desire on my part, because my capacity for playing imaginary games, or listening to a jumbled monologue about Roblox, or of the plot of a cartoon movie I hadn’t watched, or feigning interest in what her friends Elsie and Sophie had been doing at playtime (kid, I barely care about what you were doing at playtime; imagine how I feel about Elsie and Sophie) was predictably low.

That you’ve said, OP, that your sister was closer to the DC when they were very small, does suggest that for the time being she very probably feels the same way, and the dynamic may well shift in time. Keep up the relationship with your sister, value the time she does spend with you all, and keep communication open. At 5 and 7, any lengthy period of time with them likely still involves some whingeing, some unreasonableness, some bad behaviour when they get overstimulated, a routine which has to be adhered to quite keenly to avoid overhunger / overtiredness. That’s a lot, when you aren’t used to it.

Great, but I'm not quite sure what this has to do with my post or why you quoted me? Or are you agreeing with me and directing your post to OP?