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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I have an opinion on my marriage

61 replies

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:43

on Tuesday I asked DH if he could take me and the kids to visit my friend in London as I’m not good with taking the tube and feel overwhelmed with the kids as they very young right now. He said yes and he will go to the pub whilst I’m with my friend. Today I was ready and waiting for DH (he takes the eldest to an activity every Saturday afternoon). He comes home later than usual and I’m ready by the door to leave and he starts arguing that he didn’t say he would come with me. I get upset as my friend is waiting for me.

I phone my friend apologetically and give her an excuse and ask if we could meet at alternative location (still close enough to her but I can drive there instead of catching tube). I meet her and all is good. I come home and DH is in mood with me and tells me to it’s the Blackwall tunnel charge. I’ve never paid before so I ask him a question if it’s just Blackwall or if it’s congestion charge too and he tells me to go and fuck myself. I asked him if he could list it for be and he tells me why should he.

I feel really angry right now as I do everything for him and I feel he is punishing me for trying to better myself in terms of I’m making an effort to be more sociable. I’m angry at him, feel free to read any of my previous posts to get an idea of my life.

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 17/01/2026 22:45

Ask yourself what exactly you get out of this relationship. Life is too short for his nonsense....

BlackCatDiscoClub · 17/01/2026 22:45

How do I read your past posts? Newby here

Hallywally · 17/01/2026 22:47

Did the children have to go with you? Couldn’t you have kid arranged to see your friend alone in the easier location?

I’m not sure what the bit about the tunnel charge is on about. Did you go through the tunnel but not pay and you’re annoyed at DH for not telling you about it?

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:48

BlackCatDiscoClub · 17/01/2026 22:45

How do I read your past posts? Newby here

Black cat don’t worry I just realised I changed my username so you wouldn’t get to see whole picture anyway. I’ve been posting about my marriage for a good few years. Sometimes it feels he’s trying but over time I feel he’s trying to control me and keep me depressed but you wouldn’t see the whole picture as I tend to change my username often for fear of bringing identified in real life by family or work colleagues!

OP posts:
SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/01/2026 22:49

So many questions...

why didnt you feel able to tell him he was talking shit and let's get going?
Why didnt he just go with you even if he couldnt remember the convo?
Why couldnt he look after one or 2 of his kids and you go into london with 1 or 2?
Why did he have to be such a dick post fact if he knew you were driving and knew there was a charge?
Why do you want to be with someone like this?

Put it this way... I wouldn't be queuing up to swap my marriage for yours.

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:51

Hallywally · 17/01/2026 22:47

Did the children have to go with you? Couldn’t you have kid arranged to see your friend alone in the easier location?

I’m not sure what the bit about the tunnel charge is on about. Did you go through the tunnel but not pay and you’re annoyed at DH for not telling you about it?

Happy I’m really struggling with my mental health and anxiety and rather than help me he just told me to pay the charge and when I asked him what charge he told me to go and fuck myself. I just feel he’s being difficult. He could easily have sorted it. I was dealing with 2 tired kids screaming but he leaves me to sort it out and goes to bed at 9:30 , he has never gone to bed so early before

OP posts:
DierdreBarlow · 17/01/2026 22:52

I suppose if you keep expecting him to be a nice person, you're going to keep being disappointed. Does he often sabotage things for you, OP? Sorry if I missed it, but do you work? You need to start making plans to split, in my opinion.

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:53

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp i did say to him and repeated our conversation but he just screamed at me till I got upset and actually didn’t stop even as I was upset,

OP posts:
Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:54

DierdreBarlow · 17/01/2026 22:52

I suppose if you keep expecting him to be a nice person, you're going to keep being disappointed. Does he often sabotage things for you, OP? Sorry if I missed it, but do you work? You need to start making plans to split, in my opinion.

Yes I work but part time but I don’t have any money left at the end of the month as he takes most of it and the rest I spend on food and kids stuff. He earns far more than me but expects me to equally contribute to the house, he also makes it clear the house is under his name and if I leave I don’t get a penny

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 17/01/2026 22:58

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:54

Yes I work but part time but I don’t have any money left at the end of the month as he takes most of it and the rest I spend on food and kids stuff. He earns far more than me but expects me to equally contribute to the house, he also makes it clear the house is under his name and if I leave I don’t get a penny

I think you should get advice from Women's Aid or similar, this sounds like financial abuse/control.

Even without that, I would not stay with someone who screamed at me for any sustained period.

GreenMiniGreen · 17/01/2026 22:59

He's threatening you about leaving you without finances as he knows his behaviour is unreasonable. From the snapshot here, he doesn't seem like a good person. Have a serious think about all of this. Do you want years of this? It doesn't sound like anything is going to change. Leave whilst you're young enough and before your confidence is eroded further.

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:59

I’ve just realised he did know he was taking us as he was complaining about being tired in the morning and not wanting to go! When he came back from the activity this afternoon he denied even knowing about it.

OP posts:
DierdreBarlow · 17/01/2026 23:03

I agree with the advice to contact women's aid. If you're married he won't be able to keep everything to himself if you split. Please get advice, you're in an abusive relationship. And also, don't tell him what you're doing, keep your cards close to your chest right now.

Boudy · 17/01/2026 23:08

Hi op. You have said you have been posting about your relationship for 'several years'. I expect(based on this thread)you will receive much the same advice that you have received over the years. It sounds really tough for you and I hope you find a way through.

Merryoldgoat · 17/01/2026 23:16

It’s simple @Timetoleavefd

He doesn’t like you. Not even a little bit.

But you know this. It’s time to get help to
get out.

Uhghg · 17/01/2026 23:24

He sounds awful. Does he not like you going out?

I don’t understand why DH had to go to the pub though.
Surely it would have been easier to leave him and the kids at home and get the tube by yourself to meet your friend.

mondaytosunday · 17/01/2026 23:27

He is not correct about the house - if you are married the house is a joint asset, it doesn’t matter who’s name is in the deed or who pays the mortgage.
What are you wanting here? You know your marriage is awful. Get out of it. Your life will be so much better.

jackstini · 17/01/2026 23:29

Timetoleavefd · 17/01/2026 22:54

Yes I work but part time but I don’t have any money left at the end of the month as he takes most of it and the rest I spend on food and kids stuff. He earns far more than me but expects me to equally contribute to the house, he also makes it clear the house is under his name and if I leave I don’t get a penny

He is gaslighting you by saying he never agreed

He is unwilling to spend a few minutes helping you do something he understands easily and you don’t (tunnel charge)

He’s screaming at you rather that have a conversation like a grown up

He’s not offered to parent his own kids so you can see a friend

What do you actually get from this relationship?

He’s telling you the house is in his name to put you off leaving. You are married. Nothing is his only - it’s legally shared!

I would get all the details you can about finances and make plans to see a solicitor

Life is too short for you to put up with this. You deserve better than being treated like a second class human being 💐

steppemum · 17/01/2026 23:32

You say your mental health is poor.
You know that his behaviour, and the way he constantly grinds you down contributes to your poor mental health?
There is nothing more soul detroying than livign with someone who is not nice.
All day every day just walking round on eggshells because you don't wnat to be grumped at.

Talk to women's aid, because you will get money form the house. You will get all your earnings and you will get benefits, so you can be financially free. You may need ot live in a smaller place, but it will be calm and you will be in control.

Honestly why are you with him?

Uhghg · 17/01/2026 23:32

I’ve been posting about my marriage for a good few years.

If you’ve posted multiple times for years then why are you still with him?

This relationship obviously doesn’t work so why are you wasting years of you life on it.

Summerlilly · 17/01/2026 23:33

Nope, being married you still have a claim to the house regardless if only his name is on it.

Apart from the fact that he is very abusive, it’s very telling that he didn’t have the children at home with him while you went into the city. That would have been the logical move.

You need to run, speak to women’s aid and ask them for support and guidance to get out.

Do you really want your children to see and believe this is how you are supposed to treat someone you love.

tartyflette · 17/01/2026 23:34

He can say what he likes about 'his' house but if you are married it's not only his. It is jointly owned.

Strongle · 17/01/2026 23:36

You need to talk to a solicitor and women’s aid.

Sparrow7 · 17/01/2026 23:40

I have been married 20 years and my husband has never sworn at me. This is not normal. Do not let your kids grow up thinking this is a normal way to live.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 17/01/2026 23:41

He told you to fuck yourself and screamed at you..I think you already known the answer here OP.

I'm not clear on whether you wanted to take the kids or he refused to mind them? If its the first then I would be frustrated if my partner wanted to go somewhere but insisted I bring them because they didn't like public transport. I would expect the other adult to manage themselves without help from me, so I understand why he would be annoyed about that. None of this excuses his awful behaviour though.

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