Can I have an opinion on my marriage

[Timetoleavefd]

on Tuesday I asked DH if he could take me and the kids to visit my friend in London as I’m not good with taking the tube and feel overwhelmed with the kids as they very young right now. He said yes and he will go to the pub whilst I’m with my friend. Today I was ready and waiting for DH (he takes the eldest to an activity every Saturday afternoon). He comes home later than usual and I’m ready by the door to leave and he starts arguing that he didn’t say he would come with me. I get upset as my friend is waiting for me.

I phone my friend apologetically and give her an excuse and ask if we could meet at alternative location (still close enough to her but I can drive there instead of catching tube). I meet her and all is good. I come home and DH is in mood with me and tells me to it’s the Blackwall tunnel charge. I’ve never paid before so I ask him a question if it’s just Blackwall or if it’s congestion charge too and he tells me to go and fuck myself. I asked him if he could list it for be and he tells me why should he.

I feel really angry right now as I do everything for him and I feel he is punishing me for trying to better myself in terms of I’m making an effort to be more sociable. I’m angry at him, feel free to read any of my previous posts to get an idea of my life.

I would be angry too, he is a big let down, making plans he didn’t really care about then turning nasty because it no longer suits him, blowing up with a man tantrum. it’s supposed to be a partnership.

He sounds horrible. I’ve been married to my DH for over 15 years, and he’s never sworn at me like that. Your DH’s behaviours is not normal. If he agreed, he should make an effort and do what he said. If he didnt remember (which I don’t believe) then the normal thing to say would be oh I forgot about that but no problem. If he’s so knackered, taking you is impossible (unlikely), he can communicate that in a non aggressive way. Asking about what charge to pay hardly deserve being sworn at by someone who is supposed to love you. I’m not surprised you feel anxious, his behaviour must make you feel like you are treading on eggshells and he is gaslighting you to make you question your reality so he can get away with being a cruel and lazy idiot. What you are asking for as a minimum is basic decent behaviour from one human being to another and he can’t even do that. You said this has been going on for some time and it doesn’t look like there’s any indication it will change. This is not good for you or your children. I really do think you need to reflect and take steps to find a better life without him. Good luck.

If you're married, the house is a marital asset whether it's in his name or yours. OP, he sounds awful - nobody should stay with someone who tells you to go fuck yourself or screams/shouts at you. This is abusive. Get yourself some legal advice and separate. You deserve better than this 💐

Oh my god, sister. He's been like this for years gaslighting you, rude, abusive, controlling, takes what little income you have to keep you financially dependent and he's told you to go fuck yourself and if you try to leave you'll get nothing?

For the love of god and all that is holy please get legal advice.

Plan your exit:

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Can you get any financial information of his? Savings, investments?

You will get at least half of the value of the house- probably more if the children live with you.

Leave him.

There's zero reason to speak to you like that in the context you've described. I'd be having a serious word and laying down the law.

The fact he told you to go fuck yourself would be enough for me

he can say that all he likes and i’m sure he knows that as you’re married, it’s not all his. Please contact women’s aid. You need to leave this marriage.

Something tells me this wasn't all one sided since most people wouldn't be a little peed off they were waiting to go out. However you say you do everything for him and remembering other posts since you type the same that's not exactly true he does a lot for you and the kids also. Maybe you need to stand on your own and just take kids and go see your friend. That's what I do.

His behaviour is foul. However, if I had ever been so needy my DH had to drive me to see a friend and I'd then expected him to sort and pay tolls/congestion charge, my dh would likely have left me years ago. If you use tolls/live in/near London why isn't your car registered?

He should be nicer, always. The poor children.

There is no charge for the Blackwall Tunnel. There is the congestion charge and ULEZ which you can access easily online. Do it today because you’ll be looking at a nasty fine if you don’t.

He didn’t get the house if you’re married.

He is an arsehole.

You are married right? Legally officially married?

then get proper legal advice because he is wrong

he is also controlling and abusive

But it’s not up to him. Keep your money. Start working on a plan to leave. Nothing will change if you don’t change it.

My husband would never speak to me like that. He is financially and emotionally abusive and this is probably a big part of your anxiety and depression. Speak to women’s aid as he is wrong about the house, you are married and that’s is a legal contract to combine everything financially.

Get away from the utter dick head.

If you are married & divorce, the starting point for splitting all assets is 50/50.
You both own everything half/half

If you are married then it doesn’t matter if the house is in his name you should get half of it in a divorce. I think you should divorce him he sounds abusive. I used to think I had mental health issues then I left my abusive ex and it all cleared- so obvious once you are out hat he is the cause but while you are in it they twist it into a reason you have to stay

You asked for an opinion so I will give it to you. He is not being kind, supportive or even nice. I was married to someone like this. We had three kids together and I never felt so alone in my whole life. Eventually I left and it was obviously hard but I was so much happier. You have to decide what you want out of life because I don’t think he’s going to start being a good husband anytime soon.

There’s a charge for the Blackwell tunnel now. It used to be free but no longer.

from what you’ve said your DH doesn’t sound nice, but quite frankly you don’t really sound great either, why on earth are you asking your DH to be driving you around the minute he walks in from work? Why did you not just pick somewhere initially that was mutually convenient for you and your friend? I’d like to hear your DHs side in this.

Your DH is a bully, but you sound very needy. You do need to leave him but you've got to put your big girl pants on. You can get the tube it's not hard, you've driven somewhere you need to sort the tolls. In no way am I excusing the way he speaks to you, but how will you cope on your own if you can't do very simple day to day tasks?

Tell me you’ve never been in an abusive relationship without telling me…

To everyone sticking the boot in regarding OP’s “neediness”, this is exactly what abusive men do to you. They put you down, tell you that you’re incapable. They make you “need” them, and in the end you believe it and feel unable to do the most minor things for yourself. That’s their objective (to stop you leaving because you will never cope without them). Having a go about OP’s very natural reaction to DV isn’t helpful.

OP, you really do need to contact Women’s Aid. You know you can’t continue like this.

He's a completely abusive arsehole, OP, but I think you know that already, right?

The bigger problem I see is that he's causing this anxiety and self doubt. It worries me that an adult woman would find going on the underground sufficiently daunting that she would need her husband to take her.

It sounds as if he's deliberately encouraged this dependent and scared mindset to put you off developing your own independence.

You know you need to leave him, but I think you also need some counselling to build up your sense of your own competence.

Sorry but without wanting to be harsh, you've already started many, MANY threads about your husband and his abusive behaviour and everyone has told you multiple times to leave him. I really don't think another thread asking for more opinions is going to make any difference.

Sadly (for him) you're married, so please don't take his word for it.

Speak to women's aid

You're being financially abused at the very least