Mum annoyed because of what I said about ds

[Doyouknowsurely]

I am despairing today. I welcome brutally honest opinions here.

I’m a single parent. I took dc 3 to a large park/play area/walk today and met my niece (4), my parents and my sibling’s in laws. So there was me and two sets of grandparents.

My dc’s dad is involved but for context his parents have died so for DC it is nice he has my sibling’s in laws to be ‘grandparents’ too. My dc refers to them as granny and grandpa as they refer the same to my parents.

Anyway… we (me and my parents) arrive first and went to grab and drink. While sitting and chatting and waiting for nephew and nephew’s grandparents, my mum tries to hug dc. Dc is having none of it and won’t sit on her knee and keeps moving away. I should be clear here that my mum adores dc and both my parents are good to us and they are always buying presents and wanting to see us. But, dc 3 can sometimes be like this, just didn’t want to move off the chair and didn’t want a hug right then. When he’s done this to me I just say oh ok maybe later then? And he’ll either say yes later or just ignore me and carry on with what he’s doing. I was starting to get a bit irritated with mum as she was making an unhappy face and saying please, I want to hug you and dc was getting more annoyed. I said to her just leave him alone a bit he doesn’t like it and he’s said no so just leave it now, he will come to you if you just leave him a bit. I don’t know exactly what tone I said it in, perhaps I was offhand. I just wanted dc to be able to chill and bit and drink his drink. She responded sort of shocked as if she wasn’t doing anything wrong and she just wanted to hug him.

So… then nephew and nephew grandparents arrive. Again for context they’ve met my family a lot and we were all together for Christmas for example. Dc is excited to see his other ‘grandparents’ and immediately runs over and is holding their hands and so on. Obviously this is because they are more of a novelty as they don’t see them as much as my parents.

What happens after that is my mum seems to descend into a huge mood. Very sulky, barely speaking to anyone. chatting when she has to be not really engaging. Kept going off to the toilet for long periods of time. I asked what was wrong, she said nothing but continued to be very off and cold.

Nephew’s grandparents are very energetic (slightly older than my parents by a couple of years). They are very involved with nephew and both are hands on, they’ll basically be a huge help when they are around, you don’t really have to ask anything they just help with ordering food, getting the kids to eat, getting coats on… my parents do help but it’s often if they are in the right frame of mind or aren’t feeling too tired ie you can’t rely on the help if that makes sense. As my mum was being so withdrawn and as they are quite full on, the kids were running and playing with them rather than my mum, it was a perfect storm (so to speak!).

Eventually we get to the cars and say goodbye to them and it all comes out…im awful for telling my mum to back off a bit because it’s made my DC go off her (!!!), i was very cruel, dc isn’t interested in my mum because i said what I said in front of him. My mum was visibly upset so she obviously genuinely feels hurt, however she didn’t really say goodbye to ds properly like she is usually does and instead got in the car (dad came round to the window to say bye to him like usual).

I since messaged her and said it was really unpleasant to behave like that and I hadn’t meant to do anything to put Ds off her, in fact it was the opposite, I was trying to tell her how to best make him want to come to her. She’s now not speaking and neither is my dad by the looks of it either. They’re usually always on their phones in the evening and they’ve not even read my messages. I feel exhausted by it all. Welcome honest opinions on this. I don’t want to hurt my mum but it’s not the first time something like this has happened where I get silent treatment. Sorry for the essay.

I had to tell my mum not to act like a child when she wouldn't accept my 7 year old DD's apology!

You might find reading or listening to a book about emotionally immature parents useful.

I think it’s lovely that your DS has lots of people who love him like grandparents - nothing wrong at all with calling them that. When my DC were little they called the mum of my closest friend Nanna, as that what her children called her, and we all spent a lot of time together. It doesn’t diminish your parents’ status.

I don’t like it when kids are made to hug and kiss anyone, especially adults. Why should they have to? I don’t. It gives them the idea that they can’t say no to contact.

Your mum is being childish and petulant. And jealous. I would just let it lie. Don’t accept any blame though. That would be daft and irrational.

How is calling a non relative “Aunty” better than calling them “Nana”?

My toddler calls every adult man he meets “dad”. He calls his own dad “daddy” so there is a distinction. He does it because his brother has a different dad and he’s heard it that way so now in his head all men that aren’t daddy are dad. He’ll grow out of it and I’ll put up with him embarrassing me shouting dad at random men in the shop. He calls all adult women auntie because he calls my sister and my friends auntie so he’s conflated the term again.
It’s not really surprising that OP’s toddler sees their cousin calling these people grandparents and copies. I do think OP maybe could just correct it to a different term if it hurts her parents. The mum is being ridiculous to give the silent treatment though and I wouldn’t be running after her to apologise!

I'm having this issue with MIL a little bit, she asks for kisses and cuddles and sometimes DD4 just doesn't want to, I don't normally intervene, as luckily no one can make DD do something she doesn't want to, but something about it makes me feel a bit off, especially if she won't immediately take no for an answer, I think I'm going to have to have a word with her about it, but I'll do it out of earshot of DD.

I can see why your mum would be a little upset at what you said though:

I said to her just leave him alone a bit he doesn’t like it and he’s said no so just leave it now

You told her in front of him that he doesn't like her cuddles, and inferred she was in the wrong for asking him for one, I know there was more to it than that but, but that is how she has obviously taken it, and your son will have picked up on it, I think you should have handled it better and just ignored and then talked to her after if it is a reoccurring problem, you were annoyed in the moment and told her off.

She's completely unreasonable to sulk over it and give you the silent treatment, but like a PP said, body autonomy must be a bit of a new concept for older generations, it wouldn't occur to me to try and pressure a child to give physical affection if they obviously don't want to.. it's weird.

OP your mum is being very immature. One way I get round this with my kids is to talk to them, not to the adult in question. So something like 'Oh look, granny wants a hug right now. You don't have to give her a hug if you don't fancy it, what about a high five, or fist bump or a wave? Or if you don't want to do any of those you can crack on with your drink, and we'll go for a run around in a minute. Mum, did you see xyz on the telly last night' blah blah so the message gets across but the adult doesn't feel told off.

I do think it's a bit ridiculous we have to tiptoe round adults' feelings but there you go.

I actually think it's quite good that your son heard what you said, OP. He heard you sticking up for him and reinforcing boundaries - in particular, he learned that his 'no' when it comes to bodily autonomy should be respected.

Three is not too young for him to learn that sometimes adults (even beloved grandmothers) get it a bit wrong. You gently corrected her, and it's fine for him to have heard that.

And in the meantime, who is being understanding or supportive of the op? The person who is stuck between an emotionally immature old woman and a 3 year old?

The ONLY person who is punishing anyone here is granny. Why should the op bend over backwards to soothe her, when she's a single mum to a 3 year old and probably has more than enough to worry about without smoothing her mother's ruffled feathers because a 3 year old didn't want a hug right then?

Why is it up to the op to absorb her mother's childish behaviour? That's called parentification, and it is very damaging.

I am shocked by the way your mum is manipulating you.

Honestly, I think you need to back off from interaction with her for a while. You don't want to be rewarding her behaviour, because she's only going to do it again and again if it means she gets what she wants. You say this isn't the first time she's given you the silent treatment... classic manipulative behaviour and she clearly knows what she's doing.

You say you don't want to hurt her, but clearly she has no qualms about hurting you and even your DC!

I would leave the door open for her to contact you, but I wouldn't be initiating contact with her. Let her stew for a while and find out what life is like without you running after her. She can make the first move, and when she does then I would match her energy. I would be wary of meeting up again unless/until she is warm and polite and drops this accusatory nonsense.

Immature grandparent syndrome!

Why? Because she might want to maintain the relationship. Yes, it will take herculean levels of patience, and maintaining boundaries - it's good that she held the boundary for her DS not wanting a hug - but she may decide it's worth the extra work. Up to her.

OP sounds like the more mature and sensible one, but that doesn't mean she should necessarily give up on her mother. It's not parentification when they're both adults.

If her mum wants to retain a relationship then she can put some work in. She can reflect on the fact that her behaviour has been poor. The op refusing to accomodate her tantrums is going to get the message across far better than placating her and "supporting her".

I imagine if op looks at her relationship with her mum she will see a million tiny situations where her mum has done this to her in the past. Now she's seeing it starting on her child.

It still is parentification when they're both adults. Op is still her mother's child, the mother is the parent.

Sometimes, as people get older, the roles reverse, even if just temporarily. It's part of growing up to realise your parent is flawed, anxious, childish maybe - but still lovable. And to be able to step up and be the bigger person yourself. (Obviously this doesn't apply to abusive relationships)

Silent treatment is a form of abuse. Op said it's not the first time she's been subjected to it either.

Which this is.

@THisbackwithavengeance should I have told him off and made him hug her?

You don't need to respond to this OP. Normal people know that you don't make kids hug anyone- not even their parents- unless they want to.

OP, as your mother has form, I strongly recommend you google "emotionally immature parents" and on you tube.
See if it lands with you.

You were not wrong and your parents sound extremely toddler like themselves.

Not turning up today is extremely petty.
They need plenty of space from you.

As for your child also calling the other grandparents that, very normal.

My young children often called their friends grandparents the same name, gangan, nana, nanny, granny, granny peg etc.,
They simply copied their pals whom are the children of very close friends of mine.

Children aren't toys, they are suggestive to new excitement like fresh company, and they can be moody too.

You have my full sympathy.
Hard enough being a single parent without parenting your parents.

25 years ago I knew never to tell my children to hug and kiss anyone.
Strange some parents don't know this still.

It's easier to blame you than look at herself and maybe didn't play it properly.

This is absolutely not your fault. She sounds a lot like my mother and it's really hard to deal with because everything is your fault and nothing to do with her.

It's wonderful that your son has extra grandparents who are great with him. A child can never have too much love or too many people who love them so don't change a thing.

This is a your mother problem. She's gone in the huff so she'll have to come out of it in her own time.

Again, you did nothing wrong.

My youngest DD is very much like your DS, my older ones would give out hugs very happily to anyone who asked but the youngest one won't ever, unless she initiates it. The vast majority of relatives understand this and don't push it, they know she just shows love in her own way. However, her paternal grandad does not accept this and will try and bribe her to give him a kiss and then get in an arsey mood if she doesn't comply, she then gets upset thinking she's done something wrong. I just try and lighten the situation by breezily saying "aww maybe later eh dd?" Or whatever. Stresses me out so much!

It doesn't need to be confusing at all. I had 3 sets of grandparents from a young age, due to gaining a stepparent. My younger (half) sibling had the same 3 sets of grandparents, despite one of them being no relation to her. Everyone knew who everyone actually was and how we were connected but to us kids they were just our grandparents.

Dc should choose who they want to hug. You did the right thing. An adult who can’t get past that needs therapy. Sadly my generation didn’t get therapy. I have various 60 and older people in my family who get extremely jealous and/or can be very demanding. But ultimately your dc chooses who he wants to hug. My dm was like this. She is without doubt a narcissist though. It’s how it looks to others that’s crucially important. She felt humiliated by this sort of thing.