Why doesn’t DH express an opinion about anything?

[Poshdogs]

DH and I have been together 10 years and have one DD.

Over the years he’s become less and less inclined to offer an opinion about anything. Day to day stuff like how to decorate a room or where to go on holiday.

It came to a head yesterday talking about flooring for the utility room. I told him what I
thought and sent him the link to the tiles I liked. He just said that’s fine and ordered them. Didn’t offer a view on them, didn’t suggest anything himself.

I asked him directly why he didn’t offer any view on anything, and he replied he’d come to realise that his view was generally dismissed, and most things aren’t something he has a strong enough opinion about to get into a disagreement.

I was genuinely shocked as we get along fine, no issues with the marriage.

His position was, essentially, “anything for a
quiet” life.

AIBU or is he?

he replied he’d come to realise that his view was generally dismissed, and most things aren’t something he has a strong enough opinion about to get into a disagreement

You seem to have answered your own question here.

I think it's hard to judge without knowing the background.
When he has expressed opinions in the past did you listen and go with them? Or did you express a different opinion and end up going with your suggestion?

I was genuinely shocked as we get along fine, no issues with the marriage.

Because, as he says, he doesn't risk disagreement by offering opinions.

I wouldn’t say either is in the wrong here. From what I can see he feels you dismiss him and counteract anything he does say so he doesn’t bother. But in your defence it’s good to chat and debate rather than just always agreeing or you would never be able to have back and fourth conversations. It sounds like he could be a bit depressed or something.
I would explain to him that him saying this has made you question a lot, and made you feel uncomfortable, that you want more from him and assure him you won’t bite his head off if he doesn’t agree with you (not saying you do but by saying that it may reassure him if that’s what he’s thinking).
How old is your DD? I know quite often men can become a bit withdrawn during the younger harder years and it’s often not spoken about a lot. It’s good you’re wanting to sort this out.

I asked him directly why he didn’t offer any view on anything, and he replied he’d come to realise that his view was generally dismissed, and most things aren’t something he has a strong enough opinion about to get into a disagreement.

Does he have a point?

My DH is like this, he generally assumes I have a stronger opinion than him on everything, especially concerning the house, food or kids. I'm actually not very opinionated myself, I just fall into thinking I have to make decisions because he doesn't. I now make a point of saying I would like to know what he thinks before I express my opinion, or if he really has no opinion at all, push him to choose between two or three things I like - and crucially actually accept his choice without questioning it. It's important to me that I'm not carrying all the decision-making responsibility, but maybe you're actually comfortable with being the one making the decisions and he's fine taking a back seat? If it works for you both and hasn't caused an issue all these years, maybe it's not a problem?

Whilst some debating can be good...if you know you're never going to win or be listened to then it gets boring. I know someone who thinks they like to debate, but really just likes the sound of their own voice and don't listen to anyone else's view or opinion.
Not saying the OP doesn't listen, but we just don't know. I think really the OP needs to reflect and then have a proper talk with DH.

Hard to say. Do you spend a lot of time sending him things and asking him about things that he has no interest in? Do you do it because you feel like you should, and because you want him to take an interest?

If he genuinely doesn't mind (in an 'equally happy with either' way) whether you have green or blue curtains, or whether you go to France or Spain on holiday, then tbh if I were you I'd just be quite happy to get to choose myself! If it were over something like a financial matter, or which school to send your children to, then I'd expect input. Repeatedly badgering him for an opinion he doesn't want to give, and then shutting down his opinion (if that's what you're doing) would be enough to discourage most people tbh.

My DP can be like this by default: he was brought up by an abusive grandfather and a mother who had serious mental health problems and he grew up to associate expressing opinions with fear. He was routinely insulted and sometimes physically attacked for expressing opinions which conflicted with his grandfather’s views so he learned to keep his mouth shut.

He has over time become more willing to express himself but it goes against the grain and isn’t easy.

I think a lot of people are raised to believe that having opinions is rude and antisocial or to associate it with conflict, so they go out of their way to avoid being direct about their views. It’s very hard to shift once this becomes internalised.

Is interior design of any interest to him? It’s of no interest to me, I haven’t really changed anything since I bought my house and when k have had to I typically just went with whatever was on offer or something recommended by someone else, if someone else has made a decision I’d be thankful and wouldn’t be offering an opinion just for the sake of it. If he doesn’t really care and he knows you have a preference why would he bother giving an opinion?

You want your husbands opinion?

I tell mine whats happening and thats it 🤣 "im painting the lounge this colour do you like it?"
"No"
"Youll get used to it"
Then when its done he says its not as as he thought itd be.

You do have marriage problems OP and they will get worse and worse. You're DH has already checked out from offering opinions and sooner or later will check out from pretty much all family life in order not to rock the boat (whether thats true or not).

I remember a post here a year ago where someone was blasting their DH for being totally useless for not being able to cut a birthday cake without asking them first how they wanted it cut. This is going to be you in a few years OP as your DH won't do anything without checking in with you first.

I sat in a team meeting a few years ago where a few people spoke and then they asked someone else to share what they thought and they said "I don't see the point as whenever I say something you disagree with it'. The reply from the louder people was of course not to which they replied 'See, you even disagreed with that'. It was an exchange that still haunts me today how some people see themselves.

Poor man lost the motivation to live.

I think there are probably plenty of men who aren’t really bothered much about home decor, as long as it’s not something they hate (not mine - he cares more about tiles than I do!)

Ask him what are the things that matter to him that he’s like his opinion heard on, then make sure you listen.

Is he generally dismissed? If you say no, why does he think he is ?

If thats genuinely how he feels, thats really sad.
Has he given you examples so you can understand how he has come to feel this way?

Happy wife happy life

I think you're unreasonable @Poshdogs. I'm like your DH when it comes to interior decoration and my DH gets frustrated with me. I tell him 1. I don't really care. 2. I have confidance in his taste. 3. If I was to choose just for the sake of choosing we would have long discussions about small things because it's important to him. And since it isn't important to me it would be ridiculous to argue about it. Consider yourself lucky that you get to decide since it's important to you.

That doesn't mean I don't have any opinions. When it comes to the children I will go into heated discussions if it's something I find important in regards to them. As for holidays I have just stated that I am not going to Dubai, otherwise I'm open to almost anywhere.

Agreed, though they're usually women, in my experience. My own mother brought up me and my sisters to say 'I don't mind' every time we were given a choice, offered refreshments, or asked for an opinion, and that the only nice child is a shy child.

I still have a strong memory of my aunt's American boyfriend, used to more forthcoming US children, getting puzzled and frustrated when he asked if we (aged eight and six) would like to go to the fun fair, or go the the cinema. We would have adored both, but had been trained that to say 'Yes, we'd love to' was incredibly rude and cheeky.

In fairness, in our cases, we realised early on that this was nonsense, and have all become opinionated adults who are perfectly happy to express a preference.

I don’t think you can say he is being unreasonable if that is his experience. And if he doesn’t care about the topic and you do it makes sense he would defer to you.

I would find him a bit wet though so get your frustration too.

I used to be like that with exDP. He used to spend a lot of time planning holidays, booking flights, hotels etc. He used to ask me to find hotels but he never once went with what i had found. I am an experienced traveller. I know what I'm doing. I spent ages pouring over Tripadvisor, hotel websites etc and it wad a total waste of time because he knew best, so I just stopped bothering.

He was like that with lots of other things too.

I think you need to seriously reflect on whether he has a point about you dismissing his opinions. Or is there a reason why he might be conflict avoidant (some who have a history of abuse as children will shy away from conflict, for instance)?

It’s fine for him to let you do as you please about relatively minor things he does not have a strong opinion about (such as tiles), but if it extends to anything and everything you definitely have a problem in your relationship, it’s just that you hadn’t realised it. And the fact you hadn’t realised he feels dismissed and his opinions aren’t valued by you is an additional problem, in my opinion.

Honest communication is important and I think if he feels that he cannot freely express his opinion, and that you will take them seriously, then the two of you need ti get to the bottom of the root of that. I.e. is it that you do tend to steamroller things or is he overly conflict avoidant (or a bit if both)?

I find people like that so wet and precious. Why the big hoo-ha about somebody disagreeing with your opinion?!

You might be overbearing.

He might be too passive.

You might be frustrated that he will not argue with you because you are high conflict and he is not.

Impossible to say because you have not really described your relationship that well.

Well you’ve answered your own question OP.
He’s learnt it’s best to stay quiet and agree.
Poor guy.