Why doesn’t DH express an opinion about anything?

[Poshdogs]

DH and I have been together 10 years and have one DD.

Over the years he’s become less and less inclined to offer an opinion about anything. Day to day stuff like how to decorate a room or where to go on holiday.

It came to a head yesterday talking about flooring for the utility room. I told him what I
thought and sent him the link to the tiles I liked. He just said that’s fine and ordered them. Didn’t offer a view on them, didn’t suggest anything himself.

I asked him directly why he didn’t offer any view on anything, and he replied he’d come to realise that his view was generally dismissed, and most things aren’t something he has a strong enough opinion about to get into a disagreement.

I was genuinely shocked as we get along fine, no issues with the marriage.

His position was, essentially, “anything for a
quiet” life.

AIBU or is he?

Read the OP. OP is clear that her husband used to express opinions but has done this less and less over the ten years they have been together. When she asked him why he said because he has learnt not to have an opinion as they are always dismissed.

And having given her his opinion on why he has no opinion, she is again not listening to him but coming on here in bewildernment ( and probably to get her own view shored up) rather than taking on board what he has said and making changes.

So no, he is not someone without opinions. He has just learnt that there is no point in expressing his opinions to OP as he never has any influence with her.

Precisely this.

This sounds like me and DP to be honest, particularly with decorating but also with other things.

Me and DP will never agree on what we'd like the house to look like. We tried to compromise with our first house and it led to arguments, and a horrible mish mash of styles that neither of us is happy with.

So with this house, I just went fuck it. I don't actually care that much what the house looks like, as long as it looks nice, even if it's not to my taste. DP cares more, so I let her be in charge. I'd rather live in a house that she loves than one that neither of us like. I'll only object if I find something utterly objectionable.

The same is generally true of how we spend our evenings if we're home. Generally either we'll watch TV together, or one of us will go game on the computer and the other will watch TV by themselves, or we'll play a board game together. I'll generally let her choose what we're going to do, because I'm happy with any options, whereas she's more likely to have a preference on whether she wants company or some time alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely passive. Holidays are usually my domain, as DP will enjoy herself anywhere, and while I enjoy planning them, she doesn't.

And there's plenty of stuff we do collaborate and compromise on. But on the decorating particular, it just just leads to a happier more harmonious life if I roll over.

"Happy wife, happy life."

A lot of men, not unreasonably I think, subscribe to that view.

I'd imagine there's a bit of history of him giving an opinion, and getting shot down, so he's stopped trying.

That being said, a lot of people just don't have an opinion on stuff. Things like floor tiles for a utility room are hardly worthy of "big thoughts".

I remember years ago, in a restaurant with my parents, my dad pointed out a slightly unusual piece of furniture. It was a bit out of place with the style of the restaurant.
"Zingally, what do you think of that?! I think it's very strange!!"
I looked over at it. It wasn't enough to spoil my meal, or the time I was spending with my parents.
"I don't really have an opinion on it to be honest."
He found it strange that I didn't have an opinion. But sometimes... people just don't...? Things can be neutral enough to genuinely not care.

You frame this as a joke but treating him like that is not funny

Yep. If a man treated his wife like that there would be uproar about him being a controlling bastard.

I agree. That was a really revolting post that made the poster look like a bloody nasty spouse.

Laziness and abdication of responsibility was my experience with this. If he doesn’t ‘get involved’ that’s just easy isn’t it, no thinking, no investment, no responsibility for outcomes. My ex was like that, and he would have said the same thing about not bothering as his opinion wasn’t considered anyway.

Except he’d never really had one, and if he did he wasn’t interested in any discussion about it, consensus and collaboration were alien to him. And it was exhausting in the end being responsible for every single little thing, from what we were doing the on the weekend to how to decorate the house. I ended up feeling like a parent not a partner - and in retrospect I think that was the dynamic he wanted. Basically unresolved childhood trauma and putting me in the mother role, which gave me the ick in the end. Anyway that was my experience, your situation obviously maybe different.

Happy wife happy life is a cliche for a reason

its more common than you’d think for men to feel their opinion doesn’t really count and there are many hills they choose not to die on.

He gave you a clear answer. For some reason you are looking for further answers as if you are dismissing his answer.
There's your answer!

Based on how many times I have heard it, it’s very common. Men like an easy life and unless they have very strong opinions to the contrary this manifests itself in them simply agreeing with everything you say and, if questioned, telling you what they think you want to hear.

In my experience it’s not about an easy life as such, it is about picking your battles and an argument that will end with you not really having a say anyway isn’t worth having

He told you why, it's written in your post. The fact your asking why when he has told you suggests that you don't take on board what he says. He had given up on giving you an opinion as you take no notice of his opinion.

I think you are being unreasonable because you didn't offer him choices or rationale or offer to discuss.
'This is my choice, what do you think?' is a leading question to which he has presumed you want the answer 'I'm fine with that'. What else did you expect him to do/say?
You've done the research, share it with him, don't present him with the 'answer' if you don't want him to agree.

I don't offer an opinion on anything my husband wants to buy otherwise it goes on for 6 months - I just say " JUST FUCKING ORDER IT"
My husband is autistic and OCD and there is nooooo point getting into 'what I think' cos that's what he wants - THE DRAMA and to talk himself out of it - as I say to my husband "anything for a quiet life"

@Poshdogs just fucking buy it

My DH genuinely has zero interest in decor and can’t be arsed to think about it.