Why doesn’t DH express an opinion about anything?

[Poshdogs]

DH and I have been together 10 years and have one DD.

Over the years he’s become less and less inclined to offer an opinion about anything. Day to day stuff like how to decorate a room or where to go on holiday.

It came to a head yesterday talking about flooring for the utility room. I told him what I
thought and sent him the link to the tiles I liked. He just said that’s fine and ordered them. Didn’t offer a view on them, didn’t suggest anything himself.

I asked him directly why he didn’t offer any view on anything, and he replied he’d come to realise that his view was generally dismissed, and most things aren’t something he has a strong enough opinion about to get into a disagreement.

I was genuinely shocked as we get along fine, no issues with the marriage.

His position was, essentially, “anything for a
quiet” life.

AIBU or is he?

Oh God, I’m your DH in this. I didn’t used to be - I’d always had (I thought) vision, taste, opinions on such things. But I came to realise that although my DW wanted ‘discussion’ around her ideas, as part of the excitement, it wasn’t in order to find a joint choice, but to confirm what had already been chosen. She has a fierce will (which I also love) but if my role is merely to submit to it, I’d rather spend my energy on other things. So yes, the floor’s fine. Let me order it.

I feel for him, it gets tiresome and a pointless task not being listened to, that it does get to the point of 'why bother giving an opinion at all?'.

Definitely something you should reflect on, it's not good when a partner silently leaves the marriage.

he’d come to realise that his view was generally dismissed

There's your answer. If that's his experience, why would he bother?

You’ve ground him down to the point he has given up as it’s your way or the highway by the sounds of it. And now you’re moaning about it on Mumsnet. Congratulations. You reap what you sow.

It's impossible to say if you are BU or not. I'm normally the first to defend men on here and say that women are often overbearing and difficult, but there isn't enough information her to say that is absolutely the case. OP could be a harridan, or her husband could be one of those people who will never offer an opinion. Or it could be a little of column A, a little of column B.

To be fair to the OP, that might or might not be true. I'm not definitely saying it isn't, but some people are very poor at putting their point of view across. If OP's H is one of those, she might genuinely not know what he thinks about things, even if he thinks he has been clear. On the other hand, she might be so overbearing that she never listens. It's impossible to say from the outside which is true.

It's not unclear. He has said that he'd come to realise that his view was generally dismissed.
Whether that's true or not is up for debate but his perception is that his view is generally dismissed.

And ironically dismissed his opinion AGAIN....

This! He has told you how he feels. Rather than explore it with him youve come here to ask others if his opinion is reasonable...i dont expect he feels that way for no reason 🤔

Only you can say if there’s any truth in what he says. Is it possible that you simply don’t realise that you’re dismissing him?

He’s telling you his view is usually dismissed, and then you’re doing exactly that!!! Have a good look at the past- you clearly do it or he wouldn’t have said it.

He sounds just like me! He's learned that if expressing an opinion will lead to a disagreement, then what's the point? Especially over things like what colour to paint the walls or tiles in a utility room, it's not important at all.

In my case, disagreements would almost always end up with my wife getting what she wanted, so I gave up and now keep quiet most of the time. Last time we looked at holidays I suggested doing an all inclusive for a change, my wife didn't want it, so I lost interest. As the old saying goes, "happy wife, happy life"!

Ooh, time for a bit of self-examination, OP.

I can’t comment on the dynamic in your relationship but this is exactly how I became in my marriage. If I tried to put my thoughts forward they were not given any importance or it caused a disagreement and so I gave up having an opinion in the end. I became quite passive. Then I was blamed for not having an opinion and being too passive. I couldn’t win. Anyway he went an had an affair in the end and we divorced but it was for the best as I felt I was unable to be myself in our marriage.

What a passive aggressive opt out from him.
If he really feels like that, then your marriage is in huge trouble.
I would want a conversation about it.
If that is how he feels, the marriage is likely half over.
Ask him if HE feels the marriage is over?
His passivity means he certainly isn't fighting for it which means he is likely to be open to it ending.
Take it seriously because he may no longer care.
Sorry if that is harsh.

My husband is similar in that he rarely has an opinion on house stuff as he’s usually not that bothered and jokes that I’m in charge of what goes on in the house. If he feels strongly about something he says so and he knows I will listen and we discuss. To be fair when he has an opinion we tend to go with it as it’s always a very good one.

He has told you why

And you've dismissed it and asked for the opinion of strangers who don't know either of you

Without knowing the dynamics of your marriage it’s difficult to judge. But if you genuinely consider your relationship to be a good one, then I think you should take this as a sign that you need to reflect on your own behaviour and communication style. If you’re honest with yourself, are you opinionated? Do you tend to be forceful or dogmatic in expressing your views? Are you good at listening to and taking on board other people’s opinions and views on things, whether important or trivial?

I agree with PPs that it seems rather telling of the relationship dynamic that, instead of discussing this with your DH to try to better understand his perspective, you’ve turned to the internet seeking validation.

He sounds like me years ago with my ex, i gave up and just agreed with him no point in saying anything when i knew i would be wrong again.

Research conflict avoidance. People who are conflict avoidant are responsible for their own unhappiness (not being heard or feeling listened to) and will blame how they’re feeling on their partner. Leads to relationship breakdowns/affairs. He needs to understand this and grow a pair and SPEAK.

It depends, my exh would have said the same thing but that wasn't the truth. He never offered an opinion as he couldn't be bothered to think about things or research. He also didn't want to choose "wrong" - as he would prefer that I chose "wrong" and could blame me for it.

Other times he said he didn't care about something, like interior design, well I didn't care about it either, but someone has to make the decision at some point, or we won't have a house to live in, food to eat or a couch to sit on.

My current dp does the same, however his excuse is "I'm being kind letting you choose". He isn't of course, it's the same reasons as above.

I've got a bit of a different take in it.
My DH does this too and its frustrated me over the years. He says I've got a stronger opinion in home decor etc but I've come to realise he's just leaving it to me. As if I want the mundane task if picking a new cooker or all the decisions on home decor. I don't want to spend my time doing it either, I'd much prefer it as a joint venture but I do care my DCs have a safe, comfortable home environment they can bring they're friends round to. I feel annoyed it all lands on me but I've wised up to it.

Just reading the thread title, my thoughts were that his opinions are dismissed and he hasn't got the energy to argue or debate the issue with you

I always hear men at work saying the happy wife happy life saying.

Only you know deep inside if you always need to win such debates so he's arrived at a point where he doesn't feel his opinion matters.