Argument with DH - who's being unreasonable

[PoppyBlunt]

DIY task to be done this morning. Typically DH'S domain, as I can only do basics.
I came down stairs to see him sat with his head in his hands in front of the materials for the task. I asked if everything was ok.
He said "this is so stressful"
I said "is it worth getting someone in to do it instead"
Him "why can't you just be helpful? Why do you always say I'm totally incapable?"
Me "That’s not what I was saying. I'm offering to relieve the stress for you, surely that is helpful?"
Him "no, you're telling me im incapable. It's the equivalent of you saying to me you’ve had a stressful day at work and me telling you 'just leave then' "
He's in a very bad mood now.

I've reflected and I'm not sure what else I could've said to be helpful. His DIY abilities are far superior to mine.

Have I been unreasonable?

I think your response was quite blunt to immediately say you'd pay someone to do it. I think most peoples first response would have been to ask is there anything I can do to help?

I think you should probably have offered to help rather than assume it was his domain.

I agree, you should have asked if you could help in any way. Or if he needed to take a break and you make coffee. Before anyone pounces on that, I'm the flat pack assembler in our relationship and I appreciate a coffee/sympathy. Then go to, is it worth the stress vs saving the money.

No I don’t think you were unreasonable. This happens to me all the time with my partner. He never gets around to doing things or doesn’t have the right tools or acts like it’s trying to achieve world peace it’s so tricky. I offer to have a go or pay someone to do it and he says no, the jobs just don’t get done. It’s all very unfair. What DIY job is it?

To be fair that response would put me on the offensive slightly 😂

In that situation, I’d have asked what bit looked stressful, looked at the instructions myself to see if I could figure it out and then chatted with DH to sort a plan to get it done.

That's a fair point on offering to help. I think I was just working on the (perhaps subconscious) basis of when I've offered in the past it's been a firm no (e.g. I'm not allowed to doing any painting any more as I don't do it as well as him).

He’s got his knickers in a knot, he won’t respond rationally. Bring it up again later when he’s calmer.

You could have asked if there was anything you could do to help instead? That way it leaves the option to him as he knows what will help him best, rather than you suggesting things.

For context he hadn't started the task (mounting a shelf) he was working out his plan. (Sorry for drip feed)

Ach look, we can pick apart and scrutinise what was said but ultimately your approach was pleasant and your intentions were benign. He overreacted.

I can see both your points. What you said is not what he herd if that makes sense.
I would apologise and if he doesnt accept he is being unreasonable. He should be able to see your intension wasnt to be unhelpful.

I don’t think you said anything unreasonable - sounds to me like that’s his frustration talking and if you’d offered to help instead you’d have got a similar response. You were trying to take the stress off him - maybe make him a cuppa & see if he works his way out of it?

Sometimes people just want you to listen and sympathise, rather than offering solutions.

You will never win!
I have one like this:
”do you want/like x or y?”
me “oh I don’t mind either”
”so you couldn’t care less?”
Er no that isn’t what I said.
I’ve realised a lot of our arguments are caused by this type of stuff when he’s moody and I ask him what’s wrong and it’s because of the narrative in his head which is nothing like the thing I said.
Similarly if I ask him to do/not do something very reasonably with a reason, it turns into being “told off”.
I spend a lot of time walking on eggshells and I’ve had enough.
Sorry OP no help at all. I just keep correcting him and gently say “no, I actually said …” but it’s tiresome.
I think he had a very disciplined upbringing and I do wonder if he sees everything as a criticism.

He was stressed out. I think the correct response from you would have been 'Is there anything I can do to help?' or 'do you want some help?' and then if he says no then just leave him to it for a while. If he says yes then you try and help, obviously. That is what I would have done.

Mentioning getting someone else in to do it would have been a second thought after leaving him to have a go himself and see how he gets on. But I get where you are coming from.

I’d have just done it myself - surely you know how to put a shelf up ?

Sounds like you hit a nerve because maybe he’s not as skilled at DIY as he’d like to be. I’d reiterate that that wasn’t what you meant offer a cuppa and leave him to calm down.

I think your response was perfectly reasonable, why go through that much stress for something you can outsource?!

I said pretty much the same thing to my husband a few years ago when he was very stressed trying to fit our new blinds. He considered it but decided to persevere, I helped where I could and we managed it in the end.

It was just a normal discussion, I don't think it ever crossed his mind that I thought he was incapable and I certainly don't. I am, however, fully aware that I am incapable of fitting blinds so could only provide emotional support and hold things!

He just wanted appreciation I think

Mine is like this. After about the 100th argument he has now lost the privilege of my support. If he’s stressed that’s for him to deal with. If he needs help he can get his dad or mates round. Sounds harsh but I am done with him making me feel shit for his stupid decisions.

I get what he is saying...in principle...this instance is a bit silly. However, this usually come up when there is a pattern.

It comes down to empathy vs solutions. Some people are wired to dealing with issues by considering solutions from an action perspective. Others only need others appreciate that they will deal with the matter, but need recognition with how they feel about it.

I'm in the clan of needing empathy. It can be annoying for my OH, ie. stop whinging, just get on with it or don't. I see his point. What dors really frustrates me is when it evolves in him giving me advice on options that was obvious and options I have myself long thought about until he cared to notice my dilemma.

This is when I tend to snap. Usually, all I need is a : gosh, yes this is hard, tiring, frustrating, scary (whatever applies). Are you going to be okay? Could I help in any way? Do you want to talk about possible solutions? I have my faith in you that it will get better (again, whichever applies to the situation).

Okay I have been here. It is surprisingly more hurtful to men than you might think. In DH's working class upbringing being capable at DIY was seen as an important symbol of being a valid man. Therefore not being good at DIY hurts disproportionately. It is logical to bring someone else in to do it, but the stress and anxiety for many men of doing this is disproportionate. I think the right thing to do is to say you understand the stress and offer to help where you can. Also that it will get done it will just take us (emphasise us), a bit more time. IME your husband is like many young women who have been told that beauty is important and therefore get super stressed if they have put on a little bit of weight.

Yanbu. Maybe you could have said something less likely to set him off, but he was already in a mood hence completely twisting what you said.

If I offered my DH a cup of tea (as some have suggested) when he's trying to concentrate on a DIY task that would likely irritate him, he drinks tea when he wants to relax and would think it a daft suggestion. Basically, when someone's grumpy (and in this man's case feeling inadequate) the chances of coming across as helpful are pretty slim.

I find a "let me know if you need anything" and steering clear is usually best.

Also, if your household duties are split evenly, and this is his domain, I doubt you need him on hand to support you psychologically while you attend to your tasks. I think DIY frustration often intensifies for men because it awakens a sense if inadequacy as a male, so the last thing they want is a woman offering any solutions.

Minefield - steer clear!

DH is a bit like this, I don’t really say anything, just make a brew and crack on with my day.

If he wants help / my opinion, he’ll ask me for it.

I think your response was perfectly reasonable, why go through that much stress for something you can outsource?!

Because, rightly or wrongly, many men are still seen as "useless" or "less" if they can't do DIY and other things round the house. It's seen as embarrassing to have to get another (in their eyes, better) man in to do it for them.