Argument with DH - who's being unreasonable

[PoppyBlunt]

DIY task to be done this morning. Typically DH'S domain, as I can only do basics.
I came down stairs to see him sat with his head in his hands in front of the materials for the task. I asked if everything was ok.
He said "this is so stressful"
I said "is it worth getting someone in to do it instead"
Him "why can't you just be helpful? Why do you always say I'm totally incapable?"
Me "That’s not what I was saying. I'm offering to relieve the stress for you, surely that is helpful?"
Him "no, you're telling me im incapable. It's the equivalent of you saying to me you’ve had a stressful day at work and me telling you 'just leave then' "
He's in a very bad mood now.

I've reflected and I'm not sure what else I could've said to be helpful. His DIY abilities are far superior to mine.

Have I been unreasonable?

His response is more about him than you. He felt overwhelmed and incapable. Maybe he's not as good at DIY as you think if he's getting I. A big pickle about mounting a shelf.

I think you came across as a bit patronising but you didn’t say anything wrong it was just wrong timing.

I need a minute to get my head around the instructions and I do tend to get a bit snappy when doing DIY and working out instructions.

You probably could have asked if you can be of any help/need to get him anything for it or suggest doing it later instead of jumping to paying someone else.

But he was just in that stage where he was working out how to do it not that he couldn’t do it.

Neither of you were in the wrong.
Sometimes it’s best to stay quiet or just acknowledge him rather than find solutions.

I find gently signalling doesn't work that well, so now I just tell my DH to fuck off when he pulls shit like that. Much better results.

I think if you offered to help you would have still got the "so you think i can't do it alone" response. I'd just say to let me know when he's got over himself.
My dh is very good at diy but can be like this with his laptop. Neither of us are tech savvy but i am slightly better. For some reason he thinks he is going on google but it wants him to sign into the google account. So it starts "what's my password?" It's written down in his laptop bag. Can't make it work so i tell him to give me it and i will see what it wants. Won't give me it because he's looking at it 🙄 so i just say let me know when you are ready for me to actually help. Eventually he does. I just put google in the search bit and it comes up like it should. God knows what he's doing but it's really irritating.

YANBU, you could have offered to help yourself but if it's outside your zone of comfort, there is little you can do.

My husband is over sensitive and unreasonable with those things as well. He's much better at DIY than me, but doesn't have a lot of experience and often makes silly mistakes (like buying the wrong model of door handle, or the wrong screws).
He also often underestimate the difficulty of the task, then gets frustrated when it doesn't go to plan and make impulsive decision (like cutting the pipe of our brand new dishwasher, voiding the warranty...).

My view is that we are both relatively shit a DIY, could get better with practice and more research but don't currently have time with the kids, some should pay for someone competent to do it. But it doesn't go down well 😅

I think the correct response would be to sympathise, and offer a cup of tea and to talk the issue/block through, and help if needs be.

On an ongoing basis, you shouldn't be leaving all DIY to your DH, that's not fair. There's no reason why you can't do your fair share. Stuff like putting up shelves isn't hard.

Not unreasonable.
He is stressed and projecting his insecurity. As you say, what else could you have said? And if you gave him ‘the answer’ would you have also been saying he is incapable in his eyes? Probably.

Give him wide berth, hopefully he’ll appologise later!!

He’s not as capable at DIY as him and you think he is, if he’s finding putting up a shelf stressful. Apart from flat pack stuff, a shelf is as simple as it gets.

I have to admit I’m not very sympathetic to anyone who can’t do basic DIY.

So effectively what he's done is say 'you're not as good at DIY as I am, just leave it to me', then complained when you're not jumping at the chance to help with it?

Leaving aside the ridiculousness that is getting stressed over planning how to put up a shelf while claiming to be good at DIY, he's put you in a position where you can't do anything right which might be worth discussing with him when he's a bit calmer.

OP can't do it either, so I assume that means you're unsympathetic to both of them?

It was a kind offer. He probably just needed to talk it through with you to grasp what he was doing.

iIt was quite a leap of him to reach the conclusion he did - that coupled with you saying you aren’t allowed to paint as it isn’t up to his standard, I am wondering if there is either a longe tissue between you two and he feels he pecked / undervalued or that he has some OCD, anxiety or other mental health issue going on? Or perhaps it is frustration as he wants help (which could be the issue if you are absolutely shocking at DIY - are you??)

I would have asked what the problem was, why is he finding it so stressful. Is there something else that causing him to feel stress and that’s bleeding into his problem with this task

Yeah, I am.

It’s a basic life skill. It’s not entirely hard to educate yourself either. Instead of jumping straight to “let’s pay someone”, she should have suggested they got a YouTube video up and learned how to do it together.

I was expecting a much greater task than putting up a shelf to cause this much stress!

Is there something else going on? If not, just make him a cuppa and keep a wide berth until he sorts himself out

You’re not at all unreasonable, he said it was stressful so you offered a solution. Yes you could’ve offered to help but equally he could’ve asked for help. He really overreacted.

I guess a stereotypical female example would be if there was a DH came home after a day at work and asked his SAHM wife how her day was.

If she said "it was very stressful", I don't think she would want the answer "well, if it's too much for you, just send them to a childminder". I think she would want to be asked why it was stressful or just to have some sympathy.

I think you came across as a bit patronising but you didn’t say anything wrong it was just wrong timing
Well it was patronising because I can't imagine he wouldn't have considered what she suggested himself....

Ultimately, it would have cost money, time to organise and added a delay, hence why he had already disregarded it as an option.

Based on this, what you suggested was a perfectly normal and reasonable thing.

It's a DH problem, not a you problem.

I would have said nothing and walked away at the “this is so stressful” comment as I know DP well enough now to know that he likes to be left alone to do things and any comment from me would have resulted in the same response you received.

You suggested a practical alternative, a way to reduce his stress. He rejected it and ripped your head off.

Time to retreat and give him time to realise he's behaved like an arse. Hopefully he'll apologise in time.

Where does it say he couldn’t do it?

He said it was stressful, not that he couldn’t do it.
He hadn’t even attempted it yet.

That’s why he got snappy with OP because he was planning on doing it, he just needed to work out what needed to be done.

OP said his DIY skills are superior to hers, suggesting that he has done DIY several times before and so it’s it’s likely that it was different to what he had done before/had different or missing parts and he was just figuring it out before he started.

^^ this - he probably wanted you to listen

Yes you have hit the nail on the head.
Sometimes it’s just acknowledgement, not solutions.

Even though OP was trying to be kind, he wasn’t saying that he couldn’t do it.

I can imagine if I was a SAHM and said the kids were stressing me out and he immediately told me if I couldn’t cope then I need to get paid help and go back to work, I would be a bit snappy too even if he was trying to be helpful.

When I’m at the gym I always say I can’t do something or it’s too much etc but I’m just exaggerating and venting. I still do it.

Something being stressful is different to not being able to do it.

I woudln't dwell, he probably doesn't feel like putting up a shelf, just because he can doesn't mean it's much fun for him, but he didn't take your offer to buy in help as it was intended. It's a communication issue. Make him a cuppa, make your gratitude know, make yourself scarce.