Argument with DH - who's being unreasonable

[PoppyBlunt]

DIY task to be done this morning. Typically DH'S domain, as I can only do basics.
I came down stairs to see him sat with his head in his hands in front of the materials for the task. I asked if everything was ok.
He said "this is so stressful"
I said "is it worth getting someone in to do it instead"
Him "why can't you just be helpful? Why do you always say I'm totally incapable?"
Me "That’s not what I was saying. I'm offering to relieve the stress for you, surely that is helpful?"
Him "no, you're telling me im incapable. It's the equivalent of you saying to me you’ve had a stressful day at work and me telling you 'just leave then' "
He's in a very bad mood now.

I've reflected and I'm not sure what else I could've said to be helpful. His DIY abilities are far superior to mine.

Have I been unreasonable?

Or maybe she could could have offered to help or just listen rather behave like an arse and suggest that they ( he ? ) pays someone

My DH is good at DIY but does tend to catastrophice a bit, I tend to focus on the practical so I might have responded to the stressful comment by saying something like “ Oh are the instructions really complicated, I’m off to do -insert chore- let me know if you need me to hold something” then I bugger off out of the way leaving him to it. This approach has saved many arguments in our house.

Putting up a shelf isn’t stressful.

Maybe not for you, but it clearly was for the OP's husband (and the OP, seeing as she couldn't do it either).

Everyone is different and struggles with different things.

If they find it that hard, like I said, they need to educate themselves slightly. Basic DIY is a life skill.

Head in his hands declaring the job soooo stressful before he’s even begun? Yeah you weren’t unreasonable op. His equivalence to having had a hard day at work is also at fault- he’s not done a job and is lamenting how hard it was, he’s not in the middle of a stressful task at work- he’s hasn’t even begun. And yes if he was sitting with head in hand declaring it too stressful BEFORE he even when to work- just leave might be good advice frankly. He hadn’t even started and was overwhelmed. You offered to outsource this task so as to avoid this level of stress for him. I can’t see that as unhelpful. Equally he could have said “no I think I can manage but could you help me?” - why is he so defensive / argumentative? It looks like he’s picking a fight to me.

Probably would have tried to emotionally related rather than jumping to problem solve. Nobody likes that.

so something like- oh no, that sounds crap, shall we look over the instructions together or something?

This .....

How do you know?

It was obviously different to what he’s used to.
He could be dyslexic and struggle reading the instructions or dyspraxic and the screws smaller than what he’s used to.

I can put up shelves in my sleep but I realise that there are things that I find easier than other people would and vice versa.

I can also change a tyre in my sleep but last week I did it for someone else and their tyre was under the car and it took me ages to work out how to get it off.
It was because the lever was broken but I can’t turn around to everyone and say changing a tyre isn’t stressful. 99% of the time it’s not but I realise that I’m able bodied and my tyre is in the boot and easily accessible.

Not everyone and every situation is identical.

He was doing it, he just needed to figure it out before he started.
Well done to him for taking a few minutes to plan before starting.

He was doing it, he just had a moan whilst doing it - which is ok.

I can see where you both are coming from, OP. Yours was a sensible suggestion, but I think if I was your DH in that moment I would have got grumpy with it too if I hadn’t finished trying to sort it myself. It could come across like you don’t have faith in his abilities to work through the problem.

Perhaps something like, “What do you need right now to help?” Would have been more effective.
The answer might have ranged from ‘I just need some space and quiet to think this through’, to ‘a cup of tea’, ‘a quick moan’, ‘you to hold this in place’, or ‘the number of a handyman’.

Unless he always gets in a state about DIY, I would probably have had a calming conversation with him first or offered to help (if I was able). But really and truly nobody should have to walk around on eggshells with their partner. He should know that you meant no harm.

If his skills are superior to yours DIY wise - he was struggling with instructions to put up a shelf?🤔

He's a baby, but just say sorry I made you feel that way, how can I help.

What a big baby.

Your response was perfectly rational. And if putting up a shelf is causing great stress, he’s not half as good at DIY as he thinks he is. This is the root of his response.

That's interesting as I'd say before work is the time I'm most likely to be stressed about work, wondering how a task that day will go or not looking forward to something etc, and if dh suggested at that moment I should leave my job, it would significantly add to my stress and self doubt. Much better would be to be encouraging that it would probably be ok, wishing me luck, or, if it was something I was particularly dreading, suggesting a treat for after work or something. So I do think it's equivalent. I think feeling anxious before starting something is very normal!

I can empathise with your DH here op, as me and dh sometime annoy each other in the same way (in reverse). I'm just having a little moan or expressing a feeling about something, and DH swoops in with solutions when I was either just thinking out loud or wanting a bit of sympathy / empathy or to get a moan off my chest

He's trying to be helpful, but I end up wishing I hadn't said anything because I didn't want to change the whole plan and him treating it as a problem which needs fixing just makes me feel worse. In that situation I'd probably just have wanted an acknowledgement that it looked a bit complicated and an offer of an extra pair of hands if it was needed or a cuppa to keep me going. And actually, thinking about it my DH is the one who is better at DIY but he often gets stressed or frustrated by it, and it those times i'd usually just check would he rather be left alone to do it or have a hand, and leave it at that, as I know me making suggestions will add to the irritation levels.

Neither is in the wrong here, You've just seen the situation differently, and I don't think it's worth overthinking someone being a bit snappy about DIY, which most of us don't love doing!

Yeah, erm, I'm a nearly 60 year old woman and I can do that. I taught myself how to do things properly.

I think your husband just doesn’t want to do it and you could have literally said anything and he would still be pouting like a little brat.

If it’s not done this weekend just get someone in to do it if it’s creating a hazard or you’re just tired of looking at it.

Let him be in his bad mood and you should make sure you do not defend or explain yourself any further. Just don’t engage with someone twisting your words around.

Same here - nothing gets done as we aren’t allow to get someone in. It’s beyond frustrating. It’s like they don’t like their masculinity questioned - at the end of the day we all have our skillset and we need to recognise that - I can make a cake but I’m not Mary berry!! I suspect there maybe a back story here with the OP.

My husband does a lot of DIY and building jobs... When he has these moments I ask what part is tricky or difficult and despite not being the DIYer of the house I can often offer advice... Often my advise itself doesn't help but triggers him into realising a different alternative.

He does the same with my DIYing which for me is all textile demands.... Including the kids costumes for school ect.

I only suggest getting outside help in if I'm winding him up and implying he's not very good... Obviously not at a time he's already stressed .

Thank you for all of the replies. I've reflected and can see why my initial response could be seen as a little antagonist. It genuinely wasn't meant that way. Rather that I've seen DH like this before and it always ends in the situation that many of you mentioned- a job not done or half done - and I figured this was going the same way from the outset, and I could easily nip it in the bud and everyone would be a winner.
Anyway, good news, the shelf is up! It was a 10kg solid wood shelf mounted into brick, no instructions as we got it on market place.
I could do a typical shelf but not that.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but in my experience men can be very sensitive about DIY and getting someone in to do the job. Always best to tread carefully with the subject 😅