My dad has a pathological need to be the centre of attention

[alwayswantingmorefromlife]

I’ve noticed this over the last few months.

If one of the children in the family is under the weather and can’t go and visit him, all of a sudden he’s feeling really poorly with one of his health conditions so they MUST come and see him right now.

He’s always got something that means he has to be checked on all the time.

I mentioned in passing to my mum on the phone that I had a physio appointment yesterday. Last night she messaged the family group chat to ask how it went and I told her (a potentially serious injury that could need surgery). As soon as he read that message he’s going on about how he’s feeling unwell again (he’s just had a chest infection which did land him in hospital about two weeks ago, but the antibiotics and steroids have kicked in and he’s recovered, just getting his energy back), and he thinks he’ll need to see an OOH GP this weekend because he can’t go on like this etc etc.

The second anyone mentions anything he has to one up them and have something seriously wrong with him. AIBU to just be completely fed up?

How would he respond if you said that in a message on the group?

‘Dad I’ve noticed that every time one of us mentions something to do with our health you seem to take a turn for the worse, what do you think that’s about?’

Nope, not unreasonable. Mine was the same, even with DM's cancer diagnosis.

He would be absolutely furious. He’s fallen out with each of us multiple times over these sorts of comments.

For example when he was last ill, he pronounced to us all that he had decided he had to go back into hospital because he was just that unwell. We said okay, we’ll call 111 and see if they think you need an ambulance.

He immediately said no because the “waiting time would be too long” and he wanted to go at 7am the next day. I said to his face “if you were that unwell you’d not care about the waiting time”, to which he replied “you’re just an evil little bitch, do you think I’m faking this?”. I left after that.

He’s still on it now, two weeks later. There’s a family gathering next weekend and he’s already sowing the seeds to not go, because he’s just that unwell that he couldn’t possibly make it.

I’m so sorry. It’s so exhausting isn’t it?

ex’s DM was like this. It’s some sort of personality disorder, I think.

No real advice, sorry. I used to just act as if she hadn’t said anything. This would usually make her step it up even more, but I just couldn’t bear to satisfy her and give her the attention. It would never have been enough anyway

Can you message your mum separately, even if she starts it on group message, and start to unloop him from updates (and chances to talk about himself)

“No problem, obviously we’ll all miss you. Hope you get to manage it as we’re all looking forward to the party so much”

My husband has this tendency, I call him out on it ever now and then to keep it under control. It's bloody annoying but with my husband I think it relates to him being an anxious person.

Wow
He called you " an evil little bitch"?
Erm I would be NC at that !

Step away, toxic families never improve

My friend's mother is like this. It's as if other people get sick to outdo her.

There are a few explanations here, ranging from just elevenrife-ism and attention-seeking, to basically Munchausen’s (FII). It could be that your dad is an emotionally dysregulated person who is triggered by mentions of others being ill.

Its bloody irritating but I would just ignore any mention of your dad being ill, and I wouldn’t bother ever enquiring about his health as it’ll only encourage the behaviour.

It is. In the end I just grey rocked any illness/ medical talk from him. As PP said its usually part of a personality disorder. In my DDads case the only time he got attention when he was a child was when he was ill( very large family and during the war ).

Yes. My mother.

We were on holiday last year and DS became unwell in the middle of the night (very pale, shaking, crying with stomach pain, and screaming when his stomach was pressed - which he’s never done before). Took him to the local hospital where the out of hours doctor was, and they said it was just colic but to keep an eye in case of appendicitis (which was my concern) and go back if pain didn’t subside by the end of the day.

Got back to the hotel having had no sleep, and DS still feeling unwell - and the second I arrived back at the apartment, after a cursory enquiry avoid DS, DM immediately began complaining that she thought the sniffle she had was something more serious (it was literally a sniffle) and that she needed to go to the hospital too. When I said “okay, but I’m sorry I can’t help with this. I have to look after DS. Your partner will need to sort out whatever you need” I was accused of being uncaring.

She did go to the hospital where she indeed was diagnosed with a cold.

Given he called you an 'evil little bitch' at the slightest polite disagreement, there's a lot more wrong with your father than health onedownmanship.

Is this attitude and language normal for him?

I certainly wouldnt say anything on a WhatsApp chat. Also sounds like saying it face to face isn’t a good idea. (Can’t imagine my dad being so unbelievably rude to me). I’d see your mum on your own terms and leave him to it.

Theres a reason some funerals aren’t particularly sad occasions.

Your father called you an evil little bitch, you have bigger problems than him one-upping people on illness.

Hmm I do wonder if this could be part of it. He had a very abusive childhood (it’s not something he talks about often), and his siblings used to baby him as the youngest.

No this was out of character for him. He was very, very unwell at that point (I do have to give it to him, he wasn’t well).

I think it's quite common in older people - I guess some have much less busy lives after retirement and more health problems so that becomes the focus of their attentions. Both my parents were a bit like this and it became almost competitive between them as to who was suffering the most!

Honestly though OP, if my dad had called me an evil little bitch I probably wouldn't be having much contact with him again, if any!

Main character syndrome.
My MIL is very like this, If I said I was in Tenerife she would have been in elevenarife!
I would protect your self from his outbursts by not pushing back. Just do the bare minimum and don’t give it a second thought when you’re not there.

Does your mum pull
him on it? Does he bully your mum?

No, he’s lovely to her. He does the same when she’s ill though, it’s like his brain just can’t handle it.

Although she’s just as bad when it comes to his health. He went to the GP for this chest infection, his SATs were pretty bad so they called an ambulance and sent him to hospital. She’s going on about “flying doctors”, multiple ambulances, he might need ventilation etc.

He was out of hospital within 48 hours.

My mother does this, I grey rock any talk of illnesses. She constantly talks about her friends ailments...I just walk out the room or change the topic.

It's draining.

it truly is. All he ever wants to talk about is what’s wrong with him.

I think yesterday pissed me off because he didn’t ask if I needed anything, if I was in pain or anything like that. Just immediately went to “well I’m unwell too!”

Got a sister in law just like this..
I was sitting with my dying mum and I was having chest pains (turns out it was pleurisy) and I didn't mention it to anyone because in stead of my brother sitting calmly whilst my dear mum slipped away she would have turned it into a huge drama about her having chest pains! Just as she did when my Dad died. My other lovely sil had an actual heart attack day's before my dad was admitted to the hospice. Attention seeking sil had to drag my brother to a&e. She's an attention seeker b*h.

I think his hypochondria and narrssism is the least of it, calling his daughter ' an evil, little bitch,,,' when you dare to question him shows who you are dealing with. I would take as little to do with this nonsense as possible.

Solidarity!! She fell over last year, just a simple slip and land on your bottom- the drama and looking around to see if people would fluster around her. I did say 'do you have to be so dramatic'...in annoyance.

My young daughter has just had a major operation and now lives with two medical tubes etc- my Mum now thinks she needs these/ostomy.