My dad has a pathological need to be the centre of attention

[alwayswantingmorefromlife]

I’ve noticed this over the last few months.

If one of the children in the family is under the weather and can’t go and visit him, all of a sudden he’s feeling really poorly with one of his health conditions so they MUST come and see him right now.

He’s always got something that means he has to be checked on all the time.

I mentioned in passing to my mum on the phone that I had a physio appointment yesterday. Last night she messaged the family group chat to ask how it went and I told her (a potentially serious injury that could need surgery). As soon as he read that message he’s going on about how he’s feeling unwell again (he’s just had a chest infection which did land him in hospital about two weeks ago, but the antibiotics and steroids have kicked in and he’s recovered, just getting his energy back), and he thinks he’ll need to see an OOH GP this weekend because he can’t go on like this etc etc.

The second anyone mentions anything he has to one up them and have something seriously wrong with him. AIBU to just be completely fed up?

I hear you! My mum is like this (honestly my dad was having a heart attack and she accused him of being melodramatic as the attention not on her).
My mum does have serious health issues, and is disabled, and does kind of inability to accept others get ill (though she does worry about us all).

my sister and I call her out on it though. Not all the time, but when she’s being particularly selfish, we do have the ability to tell her to stop. She may sulk, but then apologises, which seems to be the difference here.

both my parents depend on us a lot now with health issues, and my mums had mental health issues for the last 20 years (very much associated with her disability which is neurological).
most of the time we just ignore her, but I do pander to it sometimes.
personally either call him out on it, and allow the fall out (we have, which means it’s easier for us to call it out when it’s on the extreme end), or his humour him and laugh about it behind his back. has he had any mental health issues that your aware of?

This reminds me of the time my mum came to visit us on her own, and my dad didn't approve of her leaving him alone so he "broke his ankle".

Obviously she was in a bit of a state, being 200 miles away- so the desired effect obviously- but we managed to call his bluff by getting a friend of theirs to check in on him who roundly told him to stop being so bloody ridiculous, it wasn't even a sprain 😆

How many siblings OP?

have you discussed how you’ll assist in caring from your parents when they’re elderly and genuinely need it? It sounds like they’re very very dramatic. Once they genuinely need family support it sounds like they’re going to be HARD work and draining on you all. It’s maybe best to decide how you’re going to jointly all deal with that before the time arrives.

And on that note now might be the perfect time to start going LC.

Has he ever apologised for calling you an evil little bitch?

Because he may have been sick when he said it, but when he was well again he should have apologised immediately.

Go LC or if you don’t want too, ignore his comments about illness. Just say “oh dear” or nothing and move on. Don’t give him the attention he’s seeking.

This behaviour is common.

Abuse in childhood aside, I think it’s a combination of the following:

1. Free use of NHS turns the elderly into ‘career patients’ with constant checkups, pills, treatments and scans.
2. Increasing awareness of one’s own mortality and wanting relatives to ‘cure’ it. Not wanting to become obsolete, but remain important and valued.
3. And yet, denial of mortality. Not realising that aches, pains, injuries and infections eventually become long terms conditions - nothing can be cured, only managed. I think older men point blank refuse to contemplate this.
4. No other interests or occupations in life, so being a patient is all they think about.

As other person on this thread put it: it’s draining.

This phenomenon will get worse. The oldest generation were stoic. The next generation becoming career patients are the boomers.

Thats a really good observation and I agree with all of it.

That really isn't an excuse OP!

A person in my family is like this, we just completely ignore their comments. So for example we say oh hello lovely day isn’t it,they typically reply about how unwell they’ve felt etc and now I just blank that out and say oh I’m sorry you feel like that and continue talking about something else. I think this person only got attention as a child when they were sick and I’ve tried to bring this up to them before in an effort to help give some insight into their behaviour but no!
they are only in their 30’s and has been unwell and sick from as far as I remember!

My mother is like this. The day my Dad told us he had cancer she actually said well she had a UTI and it was supposed to be all about her that day!

It sounds like I'm making that up but it's exactly how it was said - I guess it may have come from being shocked but she has form for being incredibly self-centred. Her now husband has Parkinsons and is really suffering and I think she resents him because it's such a visible illness so people tend to notice and ask how he is. She does have some health issues but not in the same league, we definitely know about them though.

I sympathise. My mum has main character energy. Not just about health but about anything. If you were going to the moon she would have been to the moon already and infact been crowned queen of the moon. I just ignore her most of the time, I think I'm just used to it. Mind you she would never call me names, that's horrible and completely unacceptable.

YANBU at all to be fed up - it's very annoying. I suppose the question is what you do about it. My mother doesn't do this specifically but she has other very annoying behaviours. I decided a few years ago to just ignore them - I don't have the energy to engage and there's no way to address them. They have decreased quite significantly, mainly because she knows they won't work on me anymore.

It's really hard dealing with someone who has no self awareness and who dumps their feelings and problems on other people. The only thing other people can do in that scenario is refuse to take on the those feelings and problems, regardless of the consequences or control that person tries to use to get their way. It's bloody exhausting. I wish people would sort their shit out.

my father is like this but about everything-if youre talling him about something in your life he always reverts it back to him

a couple of times he has been geuinely ill and thats fair enough-but the constant oh i think i might be ill is exhausting-during covid he said he may never see me again andno he didnt have it

If he gets angry when anyone mentions what he’s doing, have you tried completely ignoring anything he says?

No it wasn’t! I don’t know anyone when they are ill that turns to abusive aggressive language towards their loved ones!