My dad has a pathological need to be the centre of attention

[alwayswantingmorefromlife]

I’ve noticed this over the last few months.

If one of the children in the family is under the weather and can’t go and visit him, all of a sudden he’s feeling really poorly with one of his health conditions so they MUST come and see him right now.

He’s always got something that means he has to be checked on all the time.

I mentioned in passing to my mum on the phone that I had a physio appointment yesterday. Last night she messaged the family group chat to ask how it went and I told her (a potentially serious injury that could need surgery). As soon as he read that message he’s going on about how he’s feeling unwell again (he’s just had a chest infection which did land him in hospital about two weeks ago, but the antibiotics and steroids have kicked in and he’s recovered, just getting his energy back), and he thinks he’ll need to see an OOH GP this weekend because he can’t go on like this etc etc.

The second anyone mentions anything he has to one up them and have something seriously wrong with him. AIBU to just be completely fed up?

I always wanted to tell ex-MIL that regaling us with tale after tale of what is (not!) wrong with her, is really, really boring. It is NOT an interesting topic of conversation, and why they don’t get this, is beyond me.

The one-upmanship is the worst though. It’s as if someone else being ill triggers something in them; a deep fear/panic that someone else is getting attention, and they are not. Remember me!!!

Exhausting, as PP said.

My DM is like this too, but to a lesser degree. If I ever mention me or one of my DC are ill, she will very soon have something that needs our attention, or will regale us with tales of how she's had the exact same illness at some point, even though she's never mentioned it previously.

She's in her 80s and was the youngest of five. Always hurting herself as a child and babied by her siblings. Maybe it comes from that and the attention she received. I tend to respond very little to her when she does it, so as not to feed into her attention seeking (I can usually tell when she's really ill).

Cut off the flow....if your dad says he is unwell, respond with "that's a shame" and change the subject. It is very tiring and boring so don't give it house room.
I'm sure your DM would let you know if it was genuinely serious. If he can't attend a family function because he is giving notice of intended sickness, just repeat "shame!"

will you PLEASE lay off the "older people" bullshit.

My MIL was the same, a sickly child and acts like it’s a miracle she’s alive and well at 85.

Dh was sick and she’s now has a similar complaint! I will have to avoid her as my tolerance is so low for this, I can be quite rude which makes me look bad.

My mother was like this.
No matter what you had she had worse or the same.
I have no contact with her now not done for years.

Hears a few things.
Scratched you're finger i scratched mine the other day, and a long story with it.
I have headache ive had one all night.
My child has a broken arm, I broke mine years ago I still have pain with it, long story to come.
I have a stomach bug or period pain, oh I can barely move with mine my stomach been playing up for weeks, incoming long story.
I think it's main person syndrome.

😂'diagnosed with a cold' 😂

I know, right?

I could list the other “diagnoses” (I’ve literally lost count) but that occassion really pissed me off- not least because I’m a single parent, get one holiday with DS a year, and the holiday together was very much against my better judgement.

Also bullshit about “older people”.
DM isn’t 60 yet and has been like this my entire life.
Fucking exhausting.

I have a friend like this. I love her to bits, she's perfect in every way apart from this health/illness competitiveness so I'm not about to defriend her.

I have some fun with it though. I wind her up, say "OMG you better get yourself to A and E right now that sounds serious" and "are you sure it's flu? it could be bubonic plague" She still hasn't cottoned on that i'm taking the piss or if she has, she doesn't care.

Anyway, have some fun with it, if for no other reason than to amuse yourself.

There is absolutely no way I'd still be in contact with a parent who called me 'an evil little bitch'.

Unless he has only just started behaving like this because of some cognitive decline or impairment, I'd give him a very wide berth. He sounds abusive and completely self-centred.

The temptation to spoof the family chat with fake and grotesque images as well as fake ailments would be irresistible.

He's not foing to stop so maybe get the others to agree to a new chat that doesn't include him so that he can't hijack your normal every day comments with his imagined illnesses.

It can be too much thinking time on their hands and no purpose such as a job or volunteering or a daily purposeful activity.

His oneupmanship isn’t new but the abusive comment was because he felt like shit

My MIL is similar - called us in the middle of last night with a joint pain that had suddenly come on to ask DH to drive an hour and a half from our house to take her to hospital. He says she's not that bad - quite cheery with the docs and called 3 neighbours first thing to get them to call FIL to make sure he's ok (FIL hates phone calls). DH stopped her making any more calls as none were necessary.
MIL is over 80 she'd be better off in the comfort of her own home taking pain killers to see if it will ease rather than heading to the hospital in the very early morning but there's something psychological going on there- she's literally never out of the hospital/doctors though in seemingly good health and seems put out if anyone else is unwell - mini munchhsussens I reckon.

This

There’s a family gathering next weekend and he’s already sowing the seeds to not go, because he’s just that unwell that he couldn’t possibly make it.
OP

Let him stay behind. All the family goes without him and switch the phones off for the duration of the gathering as he’s likely to have a —twat— heart attack

I think that you should have put in the post, that the time he was verbally abusive, he was actually ill. Me, my DP and adult DD have waited to go to hospital early the next morning, in every case it was needed. We know our local A&E and we'd have sat in the freezing waiting room until morning anyway. I used to get a meal deal and take my DP in, he has chronic, complex health issues. It does stem from your Father's childhood, unless he was a shit Dad growing up? You shouldn't have ever ran to his side, but now he's aging, it's more difficult to know when not to.

Why are you defending him? When you are ill do you say awful things to people?

My mum is similar not horrible words but if she feels ill she can’t think about anything else.

Could it be him trying to relate?

This is my mum. It's so boring. No one can possibly be poorly without her suddenly being much more poorly. 😆. Over Christmas she was absolutely fine, then my brother had messaged to say his little boy wasn't feeling too good with a rotten cold... The same evening, she's poorly and can't get out of bed to host a family gathering that had been planned for months 🤦. She was in bed for 3 days and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her 🤣. I send a complementary "gws" text and leave it at that and when my kids or my parter and myself are poorly, I don't bother to notify her because I can't be bothered with it then suddenly being about how poorly she is.

I have absolutely no advice of or you besides trying to protect yourself by not bothering to say when you're not feeling well.

Solidarity. My mother is like this. The most recent one that stunned me into silence was her telling me that her experience going through the menopause was far worse than my experience going through cancer. (Which, by the way, has put me into early menopause...)

The grey rock technique really comes into play when dealing with her although admittedly it was very hard to not react negatively to that!

I'm another one with a Dad like this, but mine extends beyond illness into everything I ever do.

I'm studying a post grad course in Environmental Science, anything I mention he knows all about it from his O level geography in the 1960s.

I mentioned not sleeping well due to menopause, he scoffed that he must be going through the menopause as well as he doesn't sleep. It's irrelevant that he's a man plus doesn't have to get up at 6am to go to work. He suffers more than me.

He thinks that he, as an older man, is more in 'danger' than a young woman out at night on his own, or to be stared at while swimming, or whatever.

He basically knows everything, suffers more than everyone. He's exhausting to talk to. And he thinks that women have too many rights these days and we need Mens' Lib.

And breathe...

Thank you for the opportunity to vent!

If he had an abusive childhood with multiple siblings it’s likely this developed as a coping mechanism for getting attention and his needs met. If others were ill and needed more attention it might actually have been a threat to him, leading to greater likelihood of abuse/neglect. I’m not saying this to excuse his behaviour but it can be understood maybe.
I don’t know the best way to deal with it. Feeding into might make it worse but on the other hand I don’t think it can just be ignored away either. Isn’t he likely to just up his attempts?
If he tries to change the subject when someone is talking about their illness or whatever it is I think I’d say something like ‘I know dad you’ve said about your cold/sore foot/boil. I hope you are ok and you really should see the doctor/pharmacist. But we are talking about Freddie’s cough just now’. Then go back to your original discussion with no more reference to his ailment. You’ve given attention and advice and showed empathy and that’s the end of it. Everyone in the family needs to take the same approach.

I’m a firm believer that he needs to get therapy to deal with his childhood but he doesn’t believe in it, sadly