To feel I’ve failed DD because she has no friends

[Wingingit11]

DD is 11 years old. Covid cohort of primary joiners so the first couple of years were awry but she’s never really found her feet socially and increasingly has less and less friends. Really there is only one to invite round for play dates and the girl clique is increasingly domineering (and often nasty frankly by the sounds of it.)
I too never really found the mum tribe at school for various reasons - work FT, single parent so not invited to the family events that I know go on. All feels like I’ve failed her but everything I suggest of new clubs she won’t play ball or things that might be of interest are not viable. I guess I have to hope that yr 7 brings new opportunities but it’s so hard….

That's so hard OP, I really feel for you. What does she think about it? Is she upset or is this just coming from you?

My daughter was similar and got a whole new friend group at secondary

@WednesdayAllTheWay I think it’s probably me more than her to be honest ….

@Pinkballoon5 that’s good to know

It’s really horrible to witness your DC going through that. Secondary school usually means a bigger mix of kids, she will definitely find her tribe. Out of school clubs are really good though to build confidence. I’d keep looking to see if there is anything she can get involved with. Scouts or something in that family is always good because it’s not about having a particular skill it’s all about making friends and trying new things.

Secondary usually brings a big shake up in primary friendship groups anyway.

lots of kids who have struggled for friends at primary find their tribe at a bigger secondary.

this isn’t permanent.

Despite a brief argument about pronouns, my DC enjoyed their time at St John ambulance. Like scouts or guides but first aid focused. Structured activities. Good way of meeting people.

PS It’s not your fault and it will all change in year 7. Don’t beat yourself up.

It's worth thinking about what you're bringing to this. You are already feeling guilty and like it's your fault -but it sounds like it's not for want of trying on your part. It might be more something from your past that's getting triggered, and you're also feeling left out by school mums. It's really important we can separate our own historical things from what's actually going on for our kids. Don't get me wrong i'd be very upset and worried too but if your DD is ok with her one friend and youre helping her navigate nasty girl cliques then maybe that's ok for now ?

Yr 7 will bring a big change to friendships. Also if they are offered joining a few after-school activities, sport, drama, languages... What ever she fancies, even if she one does them for a term. It will open up the friendship options.
I met my closest school age friends in activities away from school completely though, so if you can get her to some of those then that's something you could start now, dance, scouts ...

The other thing about secondary school is friendships are very much led by the children, there just isn't that school gate mum thing so any guild you feel about not being in that crowd can safely be thrown in the bin where it belongs. You really are just needed for lifts or being open to friends coming to your house but no requirement to create these experiences.

Does she do much outside of school? My eldest DD is in Y4 and was fine in KS1 but has increasingly struggled with the whole mean girls cliques as they start to develop. TBH although she feels a bit lonely I’m genuinely happy she’s not been pulled into all that tangled mess. Anyway, she does a couple of clubs outside school and has found friends from both and we have play dates with them. That is a helpful reminder that school isn’t everything and there’s a big world of people out there, many of whom she will connect with.
As others have said hopefully secondary will help - new people, more structure, more clubs and opportunities to meet her tribe.

Thank goodness. I’m really looking forward to that.

My daughter is also 11. We have middle school here so she moved up in Year 5. Honestly transformed her. She met loads of new people and has a big social circle now. In first school she was very limited to a couple of close friends. Hopefully it will be the same when your daughter moves to secondary.

I agree with PP, whilst school is important for academic achievement it isn’t the be all and end all. So whether your DD is in primary or secondary it is very important to have activities outside of school. This ensures that when there are any friendship struggles in school (and they’ll be many!) she has her activities with others away from school to keep her from feeling lonely, unworthy and unnecessarily sad.

Keep looking for suitable clubs so all her eggs are not in one basket!

My DD hated all clubs apart from the theatre school I signed her up to when she started yr7. Her Sat class includes dance, acting and singing. She’s made great friends there and all local to home. She often meets up with this group in the holidays to go shopping or cinema etc….

Does your DD have a talent or specific interest in something? That will help with finding a suitable club.

My DD, 13 was very similar, struggled with friendships in Primary School and declined to attend outside activites etc, etc. However, she found a good group of friends in secondary school and shes thriving.

She still has plenty of time, it isn’t that unusual nowadays, hopefully she’ll find her tribe soon.
It take longer for some children to branch out p.

Do something together kill 2 birds horse riding cycling archery metal detecting, chess all have clubs - the world is your otster6

I think the best thing you can do is to model having healthy friendships — it doesn’t have to be school parents, just friendships in general.

Enrol her into group activities: guides & team sports

Thank you, really appreciate the advice which makes me feel a bit better

What does she want to do that's not viable?

If it’s any consolation OP, friendships often go awry in year 6 anyway, particularly with girls, so even if she had had close friends the whole way through primary, those would likely becoming unstuck a little this year anyway.

Once she’s off to secondary school she will find her tribe and parents mingling and arranging play dates at the school gates is a thing of the past.

Dont fret x

My son is autistic and has very few friends at primary. Was often the target of low-level bullying and was often on his own. He's just started secondary school and I was absolutely dreading it, but he's really found his feet and actually had six boys over for his birthday last weekend.

She’s only 11 she will have more friends as she grows up