To feel I’ve failed DD because she has no friends

[Wingingit11]

DD is 11 years old. Covid cohort of primary joiners so the first couple of years were awry but she’s never really found her feet socially and increasingly has less and less friends. Really there is only one to invite round for play dates and the girl clique is increasingly domineering (and often nasty frankly by the sounds of it.)
I too never really found the mum tribe at school for various reasons - work FT, single parent so not invited to the family events that I know go on. All feels like I’ve failed her but everything I suggest of new clubs she won’t play ball or things that might be of interest are not viable. I guess I have to hope that yr 7 brings new opportunities but it’s so hard….

Most kids make new friends at secondary. A fresh start for her. Her friendships are up to her though. Be careful not to make her feel too conscious of it.
You haven't failed her and she hasn't failed you. It's not a failure.

Speaking from experience, try to avoid giving the impression that you're worried about her lack of friendships. It doesn't feel great to suspect that your parents think you're 'weird' or failing somehow if you don't have enough friends or aren't having the type of social life they had/wanted to have at your age.

If she's speaking to you about wanting more friends, support her with ideas, but if she's not apparently worried, it may not be an issue for her right now.

My daughter didn't really find her tribe until university and work.

I’m old (50s) but I only had 2-3 friends at secondary and similar at primary (although my ‘best’ friend had loads of other friends and was very popular (funnily enough we are still close today - I’ve kept her as a friend from primary and one friend from secondary).
There was a big group in my year that went around together, met up socially and while I was friendly with a few of them in school to chat to, I was never brought in to the group (and I as desperate to find a social group). My parents did no socialising with other parents at primary.

At about 14 I joined a youth group outside school and that’s where I met my tribe and they’re still most of my closest friends today. Def important to find activities/groups out of school as then you don’t put as much importance on school social activities. As an adult I’ve found it much easier to make friends.

My DC struggled to various extents at school socially. Primary was good for DS but not great for DD. Start of secondary was good as everyone is keen to make friends, but in year 9 I found there was a big shake down in puberty/wanting to be ‘cool’, then it’s better again in sixth form.

I’d say I’m quite a friendly person, made an effort with other mums but my daughter still had friendship issues in yr5/6. There were so many hard times with her. I was dreading secondary but it’s like she’s started again and has made friends more easily.

Not everyone is or wants to be 'popular' and it takes time to find that one special friend. She will definitely have more peers to connect with at secondary and find what she enjoys.

I moved schools several times as a child, different countries, so haven't developed any friendships from primary but amazing ones once settled in secondary.

Don't be so hard on yourself, kids develop confidence and friendships at different ages. Xxx

My two dd’s were the same. Turns out one has autism and ADHD. The other I suspect has autism.
one found their tribe at secondary following attendance at a youth trust. The other one with ADHD is struggling as wants to have friends but struggles if they’re in bigger groups esp as the new school they have is open plan and has all sorts of smells and is noisy. She’s anxious about talking to even her 3-4 friends she has if there’s more than one. Anyway dd is trying and has had a couple of days going round our local small town. I think it comes with development and age and experiences.
it might be worth checking neurodivergence as a possibility. It helps to know as then there are coping mechanisms you can try.

Keep trying with the out if school clubs, she will find her people at high school.