To feel I’ve failed DD because she has no friends

[Wingingit11]

DD is 11 years old. Covid cohort of primary joiners so the first couple of years were awry but she’s never really found her feet socially and increasingly has less and less friends. Really there is only one to invite round for play dates and the girl clique is increasingly domineering (and often nasty frankly by the sounds of it.)
I too never really found the mum tribe at school for various reasons - work FT, single parent so not invited to the family events that I know go on. All feels like I’ve failed her but everything I suggest of new clubs she won’t play ball or things that might be of interest are not viable. I guess I have to hope that yr 7 brings new opportunities but it’s so hard….

Possibly she is shy? Shy people are so difficult to match together- and they are usually aproached by outgoing people that dominate them. As they are too shy to aproach each other.

My Dd is 11 and has just started secondary and has made loads of new friends already. I am sure it will be different for her in secondary, more opportunities to find her people!

To echo PPs, it will improve in secondary. Cliques get broken up and lots of new people added to the mix. I was worried about friendships in yr6 too, but he's now yr8 and has found his tribe and his confidence.

Both of mine had this in primary school, as did I.

Dd is 17 and now has lots of good friends. Did have some dips during secondary when she was on her own.

DS 11 had a good start at secondary school- now had a bit of an issue with one boy which is a bit sad (seems to be briefing against him to others) but it’s early days.

I have friends as an adult but struggled at primary and even at Uni. At secondary I was lucky in that I met nice people at the start and we all sort of shielded each other.

Idk, I’ve sort of accepted we are an ND bunch and struggle in those confined environments where everyone is forced together every day.

They get to meet a bigger group in high school.

I also echo several others - get your DD involved in clubs outside of school life. DS 10 goes to rugby, a certain hobby club, learns a musical instrument every week and has a match at weekends relating to his sport. All enable him to build friendships with others away from a school environment.

In my experience of working in schools, she’ll make new friends at high school. Hang on in there.

Just be there for her for now. Secondary school has a much wider range of people to make friends with as its so much bigger and they make the effort to encourage new friendships in year 7 so she will have opportunities and everything could change then. So dont worry.

I don't think it's that much to do with your lack of school parent friends. I was/ am friends with a group of mums. Our kids were friends when under 7, but went very separate ways. Ds is yr11 and hasn't brought a friend round since he was 12. Never goes out with friends. Doesn't talk to anyone outside school. He reckons he's fine that way. He doesn't do small talk, and he has to be right about everything, which doesn't help with other teens.I'm gregarious and sociable, so I just don't get it.

I didn't really have any proper friends until high school though. Knocked about with kids in the street etc, but found my people at 14.

I'm a secondary school teacher and I always found that by the end of the first term, students had forged new friendships not allied to thwir primaty school friendship groups. Things really change in the first year. Do you have a good idea which secondary she will be attending? Maybe get her into an after school club where a mix of feeder school children will be attending.

DD was in the same situation in primary. In the end I kept telling her to hang on til secondary and it would get a lot better. It did, but year 7 friendships weren't as straightforward as I'd pictured in my head. She's got so many friends now, but year 7 was a bumpy ride. Just saying this so you don't feel like all hope is lost if there are a few false starts when your DD starts secondary school.

My eldest DC was similar. In a class with a "mean girl" group and although she tried to be open and friendly was always on the outside. We had moved before she started school and a lot of friendships had been made at nursery. It did make her tougher and more independent and she developed interests (like sport) outside of school and as an adult has friends all over the world. She has no problems making and maintaining friendships now.

Hi OP. My DD really struggled at primary. Small village school. Only 5 girls in the class and she was always the one left out and the one without a best friend. The girls weren't mean to her they just didn't include her. She would often cry and say why can't I have a best friend. It was horrible to see. Fast forward to secondary school and she has met 3 new best friends and really flourished. So I agree with the advice on here 😃

If she's not bothered, she might not want friends. I'm still like this at 58 and my DF still asks "did you make friends? Why not?"

I don't think it is necessarily your fault, and it might well be that your daughter will find more friends in the future. I certainly wish you both that it happens.

But, based on my personal experience, I would say you are going very well trying, and you should continue, also if possible finding ways to get around your daughter resistance to be clubs and similar. And if she wants to try something which is inconvenient due to location and timing, see if you can manage that anyway, at least a few times.
Have her try new things, outside of school, if possible. Maybe if she tried she could like group dancing lessons? Climbing or parkour lessons? Music playing of some kind? Volunteering of some sort? Even just once?
Scouts or similar are of course a great opportunity, if you manage.

I say this because our son lost progressively his friends when changing schools and ended up very lonely. I was hoping things would get better, but he developed a serious mental illness over the last year, leading him to be out of school now for three months (a levels). And I think friendships would have protected him quite a lot from that, or at least from that deteriorating so suddendly.
Over the last year I ended up regretting not having worked hard at finding not opportunities outside of school for him, because when I finally did I found many. And yes, some are inconvenient, but worth, with hindsight.

My son started year 7 in September 2019. I don’t know if Covid related but he never settled and had no friends right the way through to sixth form. I used to say to him: you just need to find your people. It’s so hard because you don’t want to pressure them but I think they feel it though they say they don’t. Anyway. He moved for sixth form and now has too many friends if anything- he’s never home to do any school work anyway (be careful what you wish for etc 😂). Anyway, just to say it can be a long haul and it’s shit when you’re in it for you and them but I think in the end they find their place. I was the same. I don’t know any of my friends or colleagues who’s kids feel popular or happy at school.

PS: also we tried everything to encourage other activities (music sport theatre etc) and nothing worked for him - would for other sim sure.

It's more common than you think and I'm sure your DD will make lots of new friends at secondary. I didn't have any best friends at primary but made some great friends at secondary.
My DD has just started secondary and while she had a great group of friends at primary she has made a completely new set of friends now.

Please don’t worry. My daughter was similar and had a very small circle of froends until sixth form when she became more confident. She is now a lovely charming empathetic young lady and has lots of friends I notice some of the girls who were popular when younger have not flourished- it is the hare and tortoise

Ps. Keep encouraging the friendships and inviting children for play dates and extra curricular activities

I think that’s true and some of the ones who are popular at a young age don’t always pick up the same resilience, so everything seems like a big deal.

I don’t mean “oh it’s character building” even when they’re bullied - obviously that’s a negative experience- but sometimes the ones who face at least some trials do develop a certain resilience- but only if they have the right support and encouragement at home, I think.

If you have it all easy, sometimes you don’t know how to cope when it’s not. Thats not hard and fast - having friends all your life can be a lovely thing, and people can develop in other ways, but I don’t think it’s a simple answer.

Did you do plenty of inviting kids round in the infant years and early juniors?
If not, why not?

Often kids connect a lot better in a 1:1 scenario at that age when they don't feel they are competing for others attention, they behave more naturally. This is why having kids over to play occasionally stands them in good stead socially.
Of course for those of us working full time it's not easy but there are Saturday afternoons etc, school holidays. Full time workers do usually get 5 weeks of holiday a year so an occasional school holiday playdate with a friend shouldn't ever be impossible. Children don't care if your house isn't the latest decor or if it's a bit untidy.

Please don't worry my daughter was like this too. Year 7 is a massive change and I know my daughter was very anxious through this. I'm not saying this to worry you, more to let you know year 7 might be also have its challenges. However, my daughter is now 14 and the situation is completely different. She has lovely friends and and even a very sweet boyfriend (that's new, still not sure how I'm feeling about that). I think it's difficult when you're a parent because you worry about them all the time and when they don't seem to have the same relationships you had at that age you worry. I'm sure your daughter will find her tribe when she's ready though so please try not to worry.

I never found the mom tribe thing of any huge interest so you are not on your own there.

I expanded on DD’s existing interests away from school which helped somewhat. Art classes, tennis (there were other children there who she played and spoke with, but they never visited home, that was a Saturday thing, social enough to know how to interact and share).

she is 28 now and has fitted into society and a great job where she spends a lot of time with other people. When she comes and visits she isn’t keen on going out, says she has enough of that when back at hers/work.

as long as your Gal is happy, healthy, physically active, and interested in life (reads, can entertain herself etc) I wouldn’t worry too much.

Just keep an eye that depression doesn’t set in, esp with ‘girl groups’ at school, they can start getting nasty at this later age and turn against their own.

It's a developmental phase... Albeit a horrible one. Y7 should bring a wider choice of people to be friends with. Make your DD appreciate that you really don't need friends who are cliquey and disloyal. Making friends in an activity outside of school is also a great way to meet kids from other schools or try to get to some Y7 meet ups so she has friends before she even goes.

Mine changed school during lockdown and just couldn't find their tribe. It's horrible but it doesn't make you a bad parent or them a bad person.