Struggling to look MIL in the eye

[Bumblingbee92]

I used to think ‘not my business, staying well out of it’ but MIL is expecting us to take over therefore it is our/my business.

My DH has a brother with profound special needs and autism. He will always require 24/7 care and in some ways he’s mental capacity/needs are similar to a young toddler.

However, he’s 6ft tall, can be violent during his meltdowns and can be easily triggered/have to stick to his routines by to the minute.

Until DH met me he always thought he would take on Tom* but looking back, he was never really given the choice, but it was expected of him. DH had a different kind of childhood because of Tom (definitely the glass child/seen as another pair of hands to help with Tom) but he doesn’t hold it against his parents/he does genuinely love Tom.

When we met and got serious I asked DH how would it logistically work with caring for Tom and us having a family. It was the first time DH had ever really thought how it would work for him and his future family and decided that it wouldn’t be feasible/fair on our future kids/me at all. One of Tom’s triggers are children, if we were to hypothetically have Tom, it wouldn’t be in his best interests let alone our kids interest either.

DH sat his parents down and told them that he wouldn’t be prepared to be Tom’s full time carer. He would always ensure that Tom was well cared for but not in our home 24/7. All hell broke loose, PIL were disgusting to DH for months ‘for turning his back on his family’ etc and since it’s been the elephant in the room. If DH has tried to raise planning for Tom’s future he’ll get a comment like ‘we’ll just have to live forever’.

PIL are in their 70s and not in great health. I very much doubt both will still be here in 5 years especially as FIL health seems to be massively declining. MIL isn’t clueless, she’s on the board of a couple of panels/charities/runs special need support groups. She sees social services as evil and basically cuts off anyone who ‘sends their kid away’ - DH grew up surrounded by lots of other families in a similar boat, Tom is the only one to remain at home and MIL has fallen out with all of their parents.

MIL has made comments on how they’re going to leave everything to Tom (we’re fine with that) and that we’ll have to sort out getting 24/7 hour carers once they die. When DH has mentioned potentially getting Tom used to either staying away from home/having carers for longer than a couple of hours (they usually take him out) she deflects of ‘don’t you think we do a good job/don’t you think Tom deserves the best care from us’ and ‘I don’t want strangers in my house’.

I’m pretty low contact with MIL for various reasons but I can’t help but get more and more frustrated/annoyed/angry that her lack of planning is going to negatively impact my family. At the beginning she begged me to change DH mind/has said that she hopes that I’ll fall in love with Tom and refuse to send him away. I know that’s her plan, to do nothing and when it comes to her dying, in that moment we won’t make the emergency call to social to completely uproot BIL from everything he knows - poor man needs months to get used to the simplest routine change. Changing his complete world in an hour will be horrific for everyone involved. Our lives would be turned upside down if we did decided to take on Tom as we wouldn’t both be able to work/do ‘normal’ things as a family (no spontaneous plans, play dates, visit child centric places) and also, how would we guarantee/safeguard our kids from physical harm…

I said to DH that I’m tempted to put in a safeguarding concern to social to put this ridiculous car crash on their radar (I’ve got a feeling she’s telling everyone that we’re having Tom) but DH said that would be unforgivable. I feel like I’m becoming so frustrated/angry with MIL that I cannot be in the same room as her/don’t particularly want her around my kids when she’s happily setting them up to be abused.

Where have I said that?

He should simply just wait and see when the times comes and make the appropriate decision.
All he needed to tell his parents was that they don’t need to worry about DS if anything happens to them.

DS or DH could die before them, DH could have young kids or grown up kids, DS’s health may decrease and there’s no choice but for his parents to give him up.

How has it worked out well by saying this - it’s caused worry, a rift and now no inheritance with no further planning of DS.

The parents will be dead, they don’t need to live their last few years worrying about their vulnerable son.

I’m sure DH would not leave his DB in a house by himself, he will make sure he is cared for.

And yeah of course my family would take on my DC it was their suggestion, just like they know I’d take on their kids.
Ob if they die or become disabled then they won’t be able to care for my DC but until that happens then we’ll just wait and see.
It would pointless of me saying I might not be able to take on your kids because I might have 10 kids of my own by then.

Gosh, what a terrible dilemma. Good luck with all that OP.💐

While I think you and your DH are absolutely within your rights, and very sensible, to push back against your MiL's assumptions, can I suggest that you cut her a bit of slack?

She has probably had to face her demons in giving birth to and raising such a difficult child. Rigid routines (and rigid thinking) is probably the way that your PiLs have survived, particularly as your BiL can be violent.

What dark nights of the soul would any woman have, conceiving and raising a child with this level of disability? How much is your Mil's rigidity and refusal to be rational and sensible, coming from a place of profound self-blame for the condition of her son?

I don't think anyone can imagine what it's been like for her, and I think she must see you as incredibly priileged, and pretty ignorant of what she's had to go through.

From her PoV, your desire to put "Tom" in a home (or whatever) so you can have your children, could apear really selfish. You're an outsider, she may feel that you know nothing ...

I'm NOT saying these feelings are rational or reasonable, but I wonder if a little empathy for the burden she has carried from the birth of Tom onwards, might help you a little? Your MiL is worthy of respect for what she's done.

I think my mum did nothing, although she knew her days were very numbered because she was scared of my brother and it was anything for a quiet life at the end. She always thought of him as her little boy, but it changed to him being the man of the house, and she allowed him full control over her and any visitors for the last ten years. SS used to visit and do reviews after she nearly died and had a long stay in hospital (another story in itself) and they would talk about transitioning him to maybe a home but she would have none of it. She said it was his house and that was that. Of course when the time came SS wouldn’t even consider putting in a full time carer to keep him safe so it had to be a home eventually, although he spent 6 weeks in hospital bed blocking before one was found. Shared lives couldn’t cope with him either, although fair play to them they did try to match him

Exactly this.

All DH has to say is that he will make sure DB is taken care of - which he will.

It maybe that this is permanent residential care, sheltered housing, a live in carer etc

I’m not sure what plan OP and DH was planning to put in in advance.

DH would have gotten the full inheritance and decided the best plan for his brother at the time.

social services don’t want to give Tom anything. Ever. They aren’t going to be preparing for him in advance.

if he doesn’t have 24 hour care now why would he need it in future? The person i referred to earlier is in privately funded sheltered care (but minimal personal care- ie meals and communal living but no washing etc) yes it’s expensive but £2k a month expensive - and that’s because they have no recourse to public funds

I'd go back to staying out of it again now unless it comes up again. I'd follow DH's lead since it is his family.

My son is disabled and will likely always need some level of care though it is unclear at 10 exactly how much/little it will be right now. He's an only child and what will happen to him when I die keeps me awake at night, I will definitely plan as much as I can do and couldn't imagine burying my head in the sand but at the same time, the thought of SS is terrifying so I also understand.

His children are also his family. He wouldn’t really be able to look after them or spend anytime with them if he had his DB.

Thing is that (some older) people still have the memory of institutions and bad things happening and indeed, some modern institutions (and hospitals) still have bad things happen.

But there's also some amazing supported housing situations now and given how stretched the local services are, I tend to think it's best things are managed.

As for the comment above about taking family on or LTB, just no words. Violent unregulated men and small kids do not mix in any way, shape or form.

They are probably telling themselves they will make plans when the time comes etc. It's easy for us to pick fault with, but they obviously find it incredibly difficult to imagine their son with anyone but family. They're not asking anything of the OP now so I don't understand what she is upset about. Yes it will be really difficult when the DB loses his parents, but that would have always been the case. It's a shit hand the family have been dealt, there's no amount of planning or organisation that would make it not incredibly painful and difficult. OPs place is to be compassionate and support.

It's in Tom's best interests to get settled in a supported living home sooner rather than later. I'm a social worker, I think you should contact social services, it's not a safeguarding concern but they can talk to MIL about contingency plans and the realities of finding a good placement.
For someone who is violent it can take years to find the right placement. An emergency placement could be a disaster and result in multiple moves or him being in a care home with a low quality of life. I know you say you would take him in an emergency, but realistically that could quickly breakdown, his behaviour is likely to escalate when he loses his parents. The death of a parent is hard for any of us, never mind someone with a disability who struggles with change and managing their emotions.
If you both work full time can one of you leave work to care for him? If he only has carers a few hours that's not going to cover full time jobs and getting a carer in full time isn't easy.
If you have DC when the time comes, it may be putting your DC at risk which you just can't do.
Speak to your DH about the consequences of not sorting a placement for Tom before his parents die and try and get him on board with passing these messages to his patents and contacting social services.

BIL has 24/7 hour care but by his parents. He’s doubly incontinent, has the speech of an 18 month old and zero sense/comprehension of danger.

He has been offered funded 24/7 care in a residential setting before but MIL has always refused the idea (I do give her credit for devoting her life to Tom, not an easy one, and selfishly one I don’t want to take over from).

The point is op and DH can still be a very present presence in BIL life without being his full time carer which just isn't suitable or in the best interests of anyone.
BIL would find ops household extremely stressful and it would probably pact his quality of life massively ,,MIL is being very unfair to everyone esp her son ,she's not thinking about the impact of him moving in with ops family and having children around him full-time etc ,,op is correct the MIL needs to start seriously making appropriate plans for her son in order to make sure he continues his life as settled and happily as he can with ops DH being his advocate NOT carer

OP you say the conversation was had with the in-laws a few months ago. There is a chance perhaps that as with the poster above, your iLs will gradually absorb what you have said (reiterated grey rock style if its raised again). And eventually they will start to act accordingly.

I'm honestly not surprised at their reaction given that it was such a firmly held part of their belif system about Tom, that you and DH would take him on. The oil tanker will take a long time to alter course.

I am not saying they will change their minds and make alternative plans of course - maybe they will, maybe they won't. But it was always likely to take a while. Time will tell.

So he will be offered that when they die. There really is not reason to nag them in advance.

So he will be offered that when they die. There really is not reason to nag them in advance.

I didn't read the entire post, so I'm not sure whether OP has got dependants and for how long.

I'd walk.

DH had the conversation with them very early on in our relationship. We’ve got married and (nearly) had two kids in that time.

They didn’t talk to DH for months and it’s still the elephant in the room/there’s an atmosphere. I think if we weren’t the parents of their grandkids they would have disowned us.

The day after our wedding (or the first day of our honeymoon!) MIL called up DH hysterical as Tom would never have the life we have and begged DH to give me an ultimatum to take on Tom as apparently I would if I truly loved him. DH has always maintained that it was purely his decision, which it was, I just asked him how would it work if we were to have Tom and kids which made him realise, it wouldn’t.

It’s very likely that something will need to change before in-laws die - if they get sicker as they get older they won’t be able to manage on their own so paid carers will have to do more and more - at that point MIL might be more amenable to looking into preparing him for living in a facility.

Just stay calm on the subject and gently hold your boundary.

nope. RTFT They have already strongly declared that they expect the OP and her husband to take OP's brother in law into their home.

Respite care & carers to help would still exist. The PIL could still live for a long time & the kids be almost grown up/grown up & at uni/flown the nest.

threatening to report the PIL to social services, making her husband choose her or his brother, endless drama cos it might interfere with her family life.

I see from mumsnet on every MiL thread a general hatred towards extended families esp on the husbands side. We are losing all sense of family and doing things for others.

given the PIL age they will be of the age where the done thing was to either send your kid to an asylum and forget they exist or keep them & look after them for life. I imagine its very hard to give up the idea of looking after your child or someone forcing them into care when you havw spent your life ensuring the child is safe (as possible) loved and looked after regardless of how difficult it is.

Hang on. I am their age. I know how much things have changed! Professionally I have also seem people run themselves into the ground caring for adults with sever learning difficulties. Its a terribly sad situation but honestly I don't think that the parents are helping at all by not preparing their son for times when they can't care for him. people get unwell, are hit by cars, have other unexpected issues. Its essential to have a plan B and not stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la.

I took in my disabled brother after our grandparents (his main carers) died, I was only 23 but I had a child at that point. I was very lucky that DH was supportive. However, he wasn’t a danger to anybody and if he had been we wouldn’t have been able to. Your PIL are burying their heads in the sand, but you can’t call social services over this at the moment. Your BIL is going to be devastated regardless of whether he comes to live with you or not after PIL die, and living with you isn’t going to make that easier.

Stick to your decision and make a plan with your DH on what happens once PIL die - look at some care homes etc and then you know exactly what to do when the time comes. You don’t want to be rushing around looking at places after they have died as your decisions will be clouded by time pressure and grief. Don’t tell PIL you’re doing that.

They did previously, and OPs DH told them they wouldn't. That's it. OP's post is about how frustrated she is that PIL wont put their son into care before they die, to get him used to it.