In wanting DH to go to bed early

[TicklishHedgehog]

DH generally only gets in from work at gone 7. He stays up super late, often only goes to bed at around 2 in the morning.

The problem is he’s then exhausted the next morning and we have two young children. So when they wake up it’s me who goes to them as DH is unconscious. For years now I’ve got up with them in the morning and I don’t mind in the week but never having a break from it gets me down

Have your night away, but put the baby into his room to sleep. You sound a very caring mother x

It actually seems to be annoying you more that a magical solution isn’t here so it might be best if you didn’t respond. I honestly am not being hostile there, it’s just I feel that despite trying to stay polite you are quite determined to be really argumentative. Sometimes, there are simple and clear solutions to problems but problems that depend on other people’s cooperation aren’t simple if the other person won’t cooperate.

@TicklishHedgehog

If you think he genuinely wants to change, then he can take his phone off silent.

I think there are apps/clocks which make
you do something eg maths before you can snooze them. Or he puts the clock the other side of the room so he has to get up to it. If it wakes the DC that day, so be it - they were going to get max another 30 mins anyway. You don’t need it, so on your get up day, no alarm to wake them (and maybe you are more likely to get the extra sleep Sunday if they woke up a little earlier Saturday)

Thank you. I will get there one day and it’s not very far off!

Also, if he genuinely wants to go to bed earlier but gets distracted, you could have the wifi router go off midnight to 6 (or whatever)

Tell him he needs to set an alarm and get up one day on the weekend to have the kids.
It's fine to stay up late but not if it means abdicating responsibility the next morning.
I'm a stay up late person. I usually can't sleep if I go to bed before midnight. But if I need to get up early, I still get up early. Honestly, it's not that hard to do.
Maybe, he'll get tired and go to bed a bit earlier on occasion.

The point is OP, if you won't change and he won't change then nothing will change and you will just have to accept that.

You say you posted to see if other people have this problem. Overwhelmingly the responses are that they do not. So it's your call. Either do something about it, or don't.

Personally I would get him up every morning. Even if both of us are up.

Either you take turns to have a lie in or neither of you has a lie in. That's actually fair and he can't argue with that.

What I would not do is what you are doing now which is letting him have all the lie ins and you have none.

Has he got an alexa in the room he sleeps in?

I would set it to come on blasting when you need him to get up

Or put other clocks around to go off, one after the other after the other

Or when you have to get up with the little one, as you say your 6 year old doesnt really wake up either, you go into his room, lie in the bed with the little one and have quite a loud morning

Mine wouldnt wake up and hear children either so I know what thats like, would sleep through various alarms too.

OP you have asked if anyone has been in this situation and if they have found a solution.

I have.

When DD was 6 months old and BF, DH said I would like to give you a lie-in but I can’t, can I?

I said yes you can, when the baby wakes up you go and get her and change her nappy. Bring her to me in bed. I feed her in bed. You take her downstairs after she is fed and I stay in bed.

The very next day he did exactly that. From that point on, we each got a lay in at the weekend. The parent getting up sorted the kids (we went on to have one more) and kept them away from the sleeping parent.

DH sleeps better than me, more deeply, snores. But he has kids. So he wakes up and gets up when he needs to. Your DH could too.

He’s choosing not to - THAT is the issue. Can you tell him how it makes you feel, how irrelevant he must consider your needs, how he must really rate himself above you? Tell him it’s about the fundamentals of your marriage, not just sleep.

When your DH has work, how does he wake up then? If he can mange that, anything else is just an excuse to sacrifice you and prioritise himself.

I get a lot of what you're saying

I think some of the above suggestions though are to enact change, not be the initial solution as that takes longer

So yes, you will have woken up to manage some of that already and this might go on for some weeks/months but its about forming a habit within him taht he is going to be awake and engaging with the children at 6am.

After a while you start to change the routine again so that the focus from the children is on him, not you.

I like the Alexa idea, if you have one. Then at the first stirrings, you command “Alexa, play Walking on Sunshine in Dave’s room at volume 11”

Exactly and then command it to start again when he turns it off and trys to sleep again

@TicklishHedgehog I haven't read to the end so this may have been suggested. If finances allow, could you book yourself into a local hotel? Premier Inn is 12 o'clock checkout. Let him get on with it and you can lie in as long as you like. 😉

Can you imagine how anxious OP might feel though that the children would be neglected or something happens becuase he just sleeps through

I believe OP when she says he wont hear the kids crying and wont wake up

Take the child to him and go back to bed The reason this is difficult is that once she’s clapped eyes on me dd clings like a limpet. You have to prise her off, she runs back, she cries and gets very worked up. It’s difficult.

So previously you have stayed there with the baby in his room while he goes back to sleep ? Fuck that. Yes peel the toddler off place the screaming child on his bed. The reason she clings is because they are not used to each other that needs to change.

Agree with @Neurodiversitydoctor - you will have to harden your heart a bit somewhere along the way, which includes the toddler crying longer than you would prefer until things settle

@soupyspoonI know exactly how anxious she might feel. That was me a number of years ago. In my experience they don't hear, because they don't have to. I used to live a somewhat similar life to OP. But now we take turns getting up at the weekend. I go away overnight with friends sometimes and everyone is safe and well, fed and watered.

I read that as "wanking or gaming" 😂

He can get up for work, so he can get up for his DC.

But you will probably have to tell him you're off to a friend or hotel every Friday night until he figures out to go to bed earlier or suck it up and get up after 4 hours of sleep.
Put the younger DC cot in his room.
Actually go to the friend or the hotel. He will do it. Sounds like he is not an arse enough to neglect the DC, just you.

I have had to do all the morning parenting but I also travel for work, so dh does it then, and I would at least get some time in a hotel. And he did all the middle of the night stuff after the ebf phase ended. Now the dc sleep in but need help with bits for school and lunches sometimes and whatnot. I still do almost all morning stuff.

Then I think you need to be angry with him when he can’t get up for the kids and make this connection explicit.

Keep a wet flannel by the bed to use to wake him up. Even if it means you’re wide awake too, it’s important that he doesn’t just get to get away with it. Wake him up, kick him out of bed to deal. Lie in bed and seethe for a while, and later on in the day, have a go at him for going to bed so late he wasn’t able to get up without you being a physical alarm clock.

YANBU.

Some people are more night owls, but if it means they can’t pull their weight they need to change. I think it’s easy if someone gets away with not changing for that to become a habit and for them to not really click as to the cost to whoever they’re affecting. But unless he’s a git in other ways, this probably just needs you to be very clear and consistent for a while.

Why can't you put the cot in his room and go away for the weekend?

You had two children with him, why do that if you couldn't trust him to parent the first one? He doesn't have to parent exactly like you do but you are giving him the option to never try.

Have you actually given him an ultimatum, i.e. you need to change this behaviour or the marriage will be over? And if he doesn't change then perhaps start the process e.g. talk to solicitors, get the house valued, and tell him about it. That might be the kick up the bum he needs.

Failing that, and I know it sounds drastic, but could you stay somewhere else temporarily with the kids such as with parents or a relative? Just leave DH on his own completely and maybe that will make him see sense that you are serious about leaving if he doesn't get his shit together.

At the moment he won't change because he believes that you will just continue as you are and that you won't actually leave him. He's taking you for granted basically and he needs a bit of a shock.

But the marriage won’t be over. It wouldn’t be an ultimatum!

No there is nowhere I can stay.

I’m honestly boggled at the idea of divorce because you can’t be a lay in. He won’t believe it because it’s ridiculous 😂

OP only posted for ideas about how she could get a lay in. She hasn’t been given any reasonable ones, and that’s fine. Not all problems have a solution.

Are you on the wrong site or something? You should know by now everything has the nuclear option!!!