In wanting DH to go to bed early

[TicklishHedgehog]

DH generally only gets in from work at gone 7. He stays up super late, often only goes to bed at around 2 in the morning.

The problem is he’s then exhausted the next morning and we have two young children. So when they wake up it’s me who goes to them as DH is unconscious. For years now I’ve got up with them in the morning and I don’t mind in the week but never having a break from it gets me down

You need to understand this isn’t about a lie in. It’s about a man happy to let his children cry and get distressed and his wife be knackered and sad, because he wants what he wants. And you need to communicate in those terms. Not specifics. I’m exhausted DH I need a lie in. How can we make sure I get one. Him: blah blah blah. You: I’m sorry but that sounds like you don’t care. And wait to see what he says.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but you said you'd spoken to him about it? Perhaps you haven't made it clear that he needs to start making some changes, in which case, you'll need to have that conversation again (and you're definitely NOT BU to expect him to go to bed earlier if his late nights mean he can't parent in the mornings).

But if you have had that conversation properly, and he doesn't care, then obviously that's your choice to stay. Personally I don't think it's nuclear to not want to be in a relationship with someone who was so blatant in his disregard for me (and even his children).

I do understand it. Leaving is still a nuclear option and not one that would leave me any better off.

Make him get up even if you’re wide awake. Lie in bed or just scroll on your phone but don’t just be a martyr every weekend. He is being incredibly selfish. I know as I had one of those partners and I eventually left (not just for this). I couldn’t wait until my DC grew up and I could lie in bed all morning. But then peri menopause came and i’m up before 4am every day! Ex DP got more selfish and went to work abroad!!

I have done this but it doesn’t really help with what I’m posting about to be honest. It’s kind of like someone wanting a swim and people suggesting they go to the gym … it’s not the same.

If he doesn’t own an alarm clock: that’s his late Xmas/early Valentine present sorted.

I like the idea of you putting the two year old I with him and heading straight back to bed. I know you are still getting up, but it’s probably quicker and less stressful!

Weaponised incompetence.
book yourself a night or two away, in a hotel or with family. He will soon hear her then.
i probably wouldn’t have had a second with such a lazy selfish arsehole.

What has he said when you've asked him to go to bed earlier?

Yeah yeah … I will, I should I know it’s just … yeah sorry … yeah

This is one of those situations where you want someone else to change their behaviour but you are not prepared to change yours.

So he gets home at 7, when do you get home? Do you both work full time? What time do you both start work? Im trying to work out why its always on you to get up with the DC - if you are both working similar hours yanbu and he needs to pull his weight but if, for example, you are a sahm then yabu as youve presumably agreed to take on that role.

Is there a wider issue in that you dont get a break or you dont get intimacy or time together? I think you need to have a calm.conversation - and discuss how you can both have your needs met

Well, you’re right that I don’t think leaving is the right thing at this time.

I work part time: when I’m at work I’m back early, usually about half four.

I’m not sure the time he gets back from work or his bedtime are the problem. My DH and I are both, on different days, back from work later than 7pm. We both also often stay up until midnight/1am/2am. Similar to you, my DH genuinely doesn’t wake up at the sound of DC waking up. We still take it in turns - I just wake him up when it’s his turn (which can take a while) and go back to sleep (or, if I can’t, at least stay in bed).

There are certain things you can’t control. I agree with PP that you can’t control his bedtime (and it’s not necessarily the source of the issue anyway). You also can’t control whether he wakes up himself / how long he takes to wake up when you wake him and whether you can get back to sleep. You’re not unreasonable to feel frustrated about it. But if I were you, I’d still wake him up (rather than assuming the wake up role) and just work on getting yourself back to sleep (although your understandable feelings of frustration are probably contributing to the difficulty!).

And the answer the next day is, “DH that didn’t work. It’s Saturday today, we have another chance tomorrow. How are you going to make sure I get a lie in?”

He is using your passivity. Stop being passive.

And he says yeah again and the next day the same thing happens.

And the following week

and the next.

I think I have forgotten when I eventually gave up but it did take a while. Over a year definitely. I know because I really started trying to be more assertive with it when I was pregnant for the second time and dd was definitely over one when I gave up so probably 18 months?

So he genuinely doesn’t give a shit about you? Or does he think of himself as a good bloke who accidentally does this? Because if it’s the second, you can leverage that. “I’ve been asking for a lie in for six years, I eventually gave up. I’m struggling because I believe if you cared, I’d get a lie in. Every weekend. I haven’t had one in six years. I’m starting to think that means you don’t love or care about me. Which makes me incredibly sad.” Then wait. In silence. Don’t prompt, don’t suggest. Don’t let off the hook.

And as PP have said, every single weekend, wake him up. If you don’t get a lie in on Saturday, wake him both mornings. It has to cost him MORE not to give you a lie in.

I think (like a lot of threads on here) there can be tendencies to see people as good / bad. I don’t think it’s quite that simple. He’s lazy and can be selfish, yes, but then I’m not perfect either.

This is something annoying me because youngest is approaching 3 (in may) and I would like to have a night away occasionally and I don’t feel I can as I don’t trust DH to wake up if she wakes in the night or the morning.

It's not just leaving that's been suggested though is it. There have been lots of other suggestions but you won't do any of them.

If you don't change your own behaviour, nothing will change.

l completely agree - everyone has their good and bad traits as parents and people in general! In my view the most important thing is that they actually get the point/are controlling the controllable. Do you feel that’s the case here?

You might just have to let them figure it out if you want a night away. As above, my DH is the same in that he genuinely doesn’t wake up when 2 yo DC wakes up (although we split lie ins as I just wake him up and go back to sleep). When I was last away, when DC woke in the night (as they usually do), DC just got herself into our bed and they slept in there happily 😅 Similarly, I’m often out of the house before work before both DC and DH are awake - DC will just go into our room and wake up DH. My point is that waiting for perfect conditions probably won’t happen but, as long as he’s willing, they will
work it out.

So what was the point of you even posting? Just to vent? Because he does not give a shit about you or what you want/need, and you're not prepared to do anything about that, so do you just need us to say 'this is your life now, deal with it'? Or what? I'm very confused.

Largely venting to be honest @BuckChuckets and to see if others had the issue. I’m not really sure what to say.

When dd is in a bed (she is still in a cot) I will probably feel more comfortable having a night away as she can obviously then get out herself if she needs to.

I must have missed some. The only suggestion I keep seeing is to wake him up which I do / have done. And have explained why it’s not really working for me.

Suggestions so far

Put an alarm clock in his room
Call him from your phone
Baby monitor in his room
Wake him up then go back to bed
Take the child to him and go back to bed
Be consistent. Do it every weekend day until he lets you lie in

Go to a friends house overnight
Go to a hotel overnight
Tell him to step up and parent his children

All of these require you to change your own behaviour. If you won't do that, then nothing will change.

Put an alarm clock in his room - He turns it off and goes promptly back to sleep. Also the risk is a loud alarm clock waking the children.
Call him from your phone He doesn’t generally respond: his phone is often on silent and in the bed.
Baby monitor in his room So sorry (I’m not being difficult) but not sure what this would achieve. Plus, they do disturb me. When we had one when ds was a baby I had to get rid of it as it was noisy and annoyed me!
Wake him up then go back to bed Yes I have done this. But it involves me waking up.
Take the child to him and go back to bed The reason this is difficult is that once she’s clapped eyes on me dd clings like a limpet. You have to prise her off, she runs back, she cries and gets very worked up. It’s difficult.
Be consistent. Do it every weekend day until he lets you lie in eighteen long months later and he still didn’t!

So I’m not just being awkward for the sake of it. A lot I’ve already tried. Or those I haven’t is because they aren’t practical or would impact on other ways. Let’s say I set his alarm for 6, it wakes me, it wakes the children who would otherwise have slept until half past but not DH!

OK well just accept your excuses and carry on as you are OP.