To finally cut my sister out my life?

[TakeSomeBlame]

I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my sister. She is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and more recently, autism and ADHD.

She has always been extremely unpredictable and her emotional regulation is non-existent. She can go from 0-100 in an instant. This has lead to her having very poor relationships throughout her life and finding herself in trouble with the police and social services at times (e.g. she has destroyed property belonging to other people and trashed the house, leading to concerned neighbours reporting her). She spends a lot of time in bed.

The most difficult trait to deal with is her persecution complex. She believes that everyone else is wrong, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. This means I am constantly treading on eggshells. She only has me, our mum and her husband in her life. We all have to agree with what she says and does. She says that everyone in her life has abused her. Our late father, all of her exes, her friends (who one-by-one have had nothing to do with her) are all apparent abusers. She has not been in employment for many years because employers cannot cope with her. Therapy doesn’t work as she is manipulative and deceptive, she either doesn’t tell the truth, or, once they cotton on and suggest she may be the issue, she will decide the therapist is crap or isn’t ’trauma informed.’

The latest situation is she has cut off her teenage son. She began to bombard him with messages about his dad, accusing him of all sorts of horrendous abuse. Her son, my nephew, who has had to see this unfold many times over the years, does not believe her and she has now decided her son is also abusive for not believing what she is saying about his dad. She has also made it clear to me and my mum that we are also to have little to do with our nephew, and if we were to have a relationship with him, she would see this as a huge disloyalty and that we are not believing her about her trauma and abuse suffered at the hands of her ex.

AIBU to finally cut her off? We’re both in our late 40s.

She sounds a nightmare but if you cut her off will this place more burden on your mum? I think I’d do more of a very low contact and grey rock rather than cutting her right out. That will just give her additional drama and persecution to ruminate on.

I’d like to maintain a relationship with my nephew but if she finds out about this, she will cut me off anyway and I’ll likely become one of her many abusers. I am concerned that this could affect my life. In the past she has posted on social media about her alleged abusers and she has also made police reports, luckily they haven’t come to anything.

Your poor nephew.
Like hell I would cut him off to go along your sister demands.Your relationship with him is not her business.

Have you diacussed this latest drama with your mother? It does sound ike the last straw. Please reassure your nephew that you are there for him

Your nephew needs you more than your sister.
💐

Late 40s, enough is enough! She’ll not change and if she is having a detrimental effect on your MH then you should go NC.

If you’re unsure, test it. If you find your life peaceful without the drama then stay NC. If there isn’t much positive difference to your life without her in it, give her a call.

It will be much more peaceful. Her issues are causing strain my own family. I don’t want my DC having no relationship with their cousin. It will cause huge issues with my mum though.

I’m trying to imagine what her poor husband is like…

What would look different if you cut her off, compared with now? I can’t imagine that you are having frequent cosy get-togethers?

I’d be inclined to build the relationship with your nephew and let the chips fall where they may wrt your relationship with her. It seems as if the people she tries to cause trouble with have something of the measure of her, as none of the complaints came to much?

I had a close family member like your sister, she made my life utter hell, as well as many others, police turning up at my door at 5am for yet another lie, luckily we had evidence of her lies, but it didn't stop someone having to have a police interview to prove it. I wanted to leave the country, seriously, that was after we went NC. It's the best thing you can do for your mental health but there will be severe repercussions from her when she realises. I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time. It's a never ending drama.

How so?

You don’t actually have to announce you’re NC. Just do it and whenever your mum mentions your DSis change the subject. Be firm in your mind - she’s not your problem.

I think life is too short and she's unlikely to have a change in personality now. Support your mum as best you can but there's no point in letting her drag you down.

Maintain a relationship with your nephew, let her find out and let her be the one to cut YOU off. Or just cut her off. Either way, you can’t carry on like this.
I sympathise. I have a relative with suspected BPD who tore our family apart and caused massive harm. Going NC was devastating, but the only option in the end.

Id not want anything to do with her. Her poor son.

As a pp said, your nephew needs you far more than she does. I can't imagine how grim his upbringing must have been, and now he's cast out. Poor lad. And if your mum kicks off, you need to ask her if she's really prepared to reject her grandchild, because you're not going to.

No, none of her police reports have come to anything, and she’s made some very serious, devastating accusations. There has always either been evidence demonstrating the allegation didn’t happen in the way she said, or her behaviour is so appalling (going on social media campaigns, harassing people for example) that the cases end up falling apart. I believed her the first few times about abuse and her supposed abusers but I’ve now seen it be false too many times, and now she is accusing my nephew.

I asked her why, if her ex (nephews dad) was so abusive, does she continuously contact him and his new partner, make snide posts on social media, threaten him etc and she got extremely angry with me and said I do not understand trauma and her reactions are reactions to abuse.

Did you find your BPD relative was living in a different reality to everyone else in terms of their perception of events and things that people do and say?

You are all being too nice to her. All of you need to walk away. She will never change and needs to be left to get on with it. You have one life and she is ruining it. Don;t enable her.

Not much advice @TakeSomeBlame but solidarity. My sister is very similar, but is not married, no kids and hasn’t had a job in 20 years. She’s diagnosed officially with depression and anxiety, thinks she is autistic but I think she has BPD as well/instead.

Although she’s good at seeking out support groups inevitably she feels disappointed by people in then and either gets frozen out or will cut off contact, and is quite lonely. She really loves my kids though and can be good with them.

Ive found the relationship so burdensome I maintain contact but tend to keep her at arms length. We do meet but it’s not as often as she’d like.

Is there a middle ground you can take her? Not cutting her off but also not paying attention to her dramas, until it fizzles out? I’d concentrate on supporting your nephew.

Massive sympathy, OP. I am another with a similar family member. I can honestly say she completely ruined the childhood of me and my siblings... go NC and as others have advised, don't announce it, just do it. NC with mine for many years now. I know they can't help their behaviour but it's wrong to let them destroy your life. Thank goodness your nephew has you.

I agree with everyone who says just walk away. I have had to do the same with my sister. There is no peace in staying with the status quo. Prioritise your own mental health. I'm feeling much stronger now but it's taken me 3 years and a load of therapy to get here. She was trashing me mentally. I just couldn't go on with it anymore. I've just had a great Christmas because I had nothing from her for the first time. No vile letters about how awful I am as a person. There's only one road here and it is out. Look up Dr Rameni on you tube .Loads of really helpful videos on narcissism.

The trouble is she sees the world as with her or against her, and becomes absolutely fixated on the current drama in her life, it’s all she will talk about. And if you don’t totally agree with what she says, you are then also against her and are abusive. It is totally impossible.

Yes, mainly where I was concerned. She spread lies about me, pretended she’d been the victim of me. I’d been so patient with her for years and never spoken out of line to her, so it was a huge shock. I suspect she might have believed her own lies.

I think my sister likely genuinely believes her lies too or she feels she is very justified in what she does.

How did it work with the rest of your family?

Your sister sounds like my mother. Never wrong, if you call her out on a lie she twists things. She believes her own lies, thinks the world owes her everything while she does nothing. She is a vile and toxic person but after taking her abuse for decades she decided to target my teen son and that is where it ended. I cut her out of my life a couple of years ago and the peace is immeasurable. Yes she slandered me, yes she rang social services, she rang my sons school making allegations, she smeared me to every person with ears, she tore me apart on social media but still life is more peaceful without her toxicity. I am pretty much ousted from the family but I would rather be alone than have her causing all sorts of chaos for us. I dont care anymore what others say or think, fuck them one day they will also be her target. Walk away but please do keep contact with your nephew as he will need you after years of being the victim of her abuse too. Its not easy but it can be done. These people are emotional vampires and will never change.