To finally cut my sister out my life?

[TakeSomeBlame]

I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my sister. She is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and more recently, autism and ADHD.

She has always been extremely unpredictable and her emotional regulation is non-existent. She can go from 0-100 in an instant. This has lead to her having very poor relationships throughout her life and finding herself in trouble with the police and social services at times (e.g. she has destroyed property belonging to other people and trashed the house, leading to concerned neighbours reporting her). She spends a lot of time in bed.

The most difficult trait to deal with is her persecution complex. She believes that everyone else is wrong, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. This means I am constantly treading on eggshells. She only has me, our mum and her husband in her life. We all have to agree with what she says and does. She says that everyone in her life has abused her. Our late father, all of her exes, her friends (who one-by-one have had nothing to do with her) are all apparent abusers. She has not been in employment for many years because employers cannot cope with her. Therapy doesn’t work as she is manipulative and deceptive, she either doesn’t tell the truth, or, once they cotton on and suggest she may be the issue, she will decide the therapist is crap or isn’t ’trauma informed.’

The latest situation is she has cut off her teenage son. She began to bombard him with messages about his dad, accusing him of all sorts of horrendous abuse. Her son, my nephew, who has had to see this unfold many times over the years, does not believe her and she has now decided her son is also abusive for not believing what she is saying about his dad. She has also made it clear to me and my mum that we are also to have little to do with our nephew, and if we were to have a relationship with him, she would see this as a huge disloyalty and that we are not believing her about her trauma and abuse suffered at the hands of her ex.

AIBU to finally cut her off? We’re both in our late 40s.

I'm sure my sister has BPD, we have a lot of MH issues in our family including bi-polar disorder. She has a different version of reality to everyone else, even if there is evidence or witnesses.

For example, the last straw was when she physically attacked me. There were 2 witnesses, not including me, and she still denies that it happened.

All you can do is protect yourself. I'm no contact for 3 years in March and don't regret it.

The impact on my family was huge. My dad took her side, I'm guessing it was easier to hurt me than risk her turning on him. I moved away from all the drama and I'm much happier now, although it still hurts.

How on earth has she managed to stay married?

You've just exactly described my SIL. DH made the decision to cut her off for good about a year ago- we've had several periods of NC and forgiven her but she's gone too far this time. Prioritise your nephew.

What is the husband staying for?

Maybe don't cut her off, but also don't go along with her bullshit - and then if she wants to cut you off, her choice. Tell her you intend to maintain a relationship with your nephew - poor kid needs some family members who are sane and dependable - and do so. When you don't believe something she's saying, say so. A fake relationship with you won't be helpful to her, any more than it's enjoyable for you. An honest one might. Or not, if she rejects it - but it'll be her choice.

With much difficulty. All of her other partners eventually left her, at which point she accused them all of various levels of abuse, some of them criminal. Her husband has no contact with his family or friends (she has fallen out with all of them) and he has to agree with everything she says. A couple of years ago she accused him of abuse to the police too so he knows what awaits him if he does split up with her.

I could have written this exact post. My sister is exactly the same - she has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia along with many other complications - depression etc. She would report family members to SS and tell everyone she has been abused etc etc. Her medication means she is fairly steady now, however I broke ties 15 years ago and I honestly knew it was the best thing. I keep in touch with her children (who have difficult relationships with her) and she has mellowed from what I hear. I do feel guilty, but when i looked back on the relationship, it was always one sided, i did so much for her but I cannot ever remember her helping me out or being kind or nice. I feel sad and it wasnt easy - I decided to force the issue by acting in a way where I knew she would break contact with me. She doesn't see my Mother or my father as she feels abused and let down by them too. Luckily she is very well provided for and has a very stable financial position, so that makes it easier somehow. Good luck - it really isnt easy.

It must be hell being her. All those diagnoses. Your poor nephew as well. I can't even imagine how his childhood may have been.

I really feel for you having to deal with this. Your life's been blighted. I wish you all the best with your being NC. It sounds like that could be the best thing.

Why will it "cause huge issues with my mum"? Is your mum going to abandon her grandson on her daughter's say-so?

How old is your nephew and who does he stay with? (Hopefully not his mother!) I would definitely pick your nephew over your sister.

Can’t you come off social media?

Sounds like the husband stays with her as hes terrified, cut her off op. Someone like that needs to just be left to their own devices.

In a very similar situation after Christmas and have no option but to go NC. It's unsafe at this point and hugely detrimental to the wellbeing of my family.

This is exactly what my SIL does. She leaves a string of broken men behind her after she systematically ruins their lives, and I think she honestly believes she's the victim. I can't even begin to imagine how much money she costs the taxpayer between all the wasted police time, social services and NHS investigations for mostly fictitious illnesses. Of course, she doesn't work and hasn't in years.

How very very sad she is like this, am sure she'd rather not be too. However, you do have to look after you and if that means protecting your own mental health/life then you have to do it. Appreciate not easy.
Hope you can keep the relationship with your nephew and help your mum but other than that look after you.

I have no relationship at all with one of my brothers, he's a bully and a bore (he is the only person who matters in his world) and it's far better for me having no contact.

I do feel sorry for her and part of the reason I’ve maintained a relationship for so long is on the hope that at some point medication or therapy will help her.

The final straw is she is now accusing her ex of egregious abuse (to their son, my nephew), he doesn’t believe her and won’t agree to stop seeing his dad so she’s now cut him off and has no relationship with him at all. She’s claiming her son is also abusive towards her, citing normal teenage behaviour such as not helping out around the house, as well as saying he is disloyal as he’s siding with her abuser.

Has anyone with experience of BPD found there is any treatments or things that help?? I feel it’s the BPD diagnosis which causes my sister the most issue, probably that combined with the autism making her super obsessive over people and perceived injustices.

There's mood stabilisers and a type of therapy called DBT which is apparently very effective, but it's a postcode lottery. It also requires that the affected person is able to recognise there is a problem and want to get better, including taking accountability for their actions.

I'm in a very similar situation.I think my sister has a borderline personality disorder and is a true narcissist .Lies all the time- literally all the time.Flies off the handle, defensive, aggressive, selfish, manipulative.Everything is about her and she is incapable of giving love.I could say much more but don't want to take over your thread.I cut her out of my life last week after the most horrifying behaviour and lies came to light.She will never change and she has caused too much distress.

It sounds like she's struggling ongoing IMO. My own thinking might be a bit different here. I personally think that healthier, more well adjusted people don't go straight for bad relationship after bad relationship. If she entered the adult world and decided to go straight for bad relationships, she could very well have had some bad experiences along the way. It sounds like she had very low self worth during her childhood/teen years. Where it came from is another thing

I’m not sure her relationships were bad in the sense her partners were abusive and terrible to her. I suspect it is her who was abusive and terrible in her relationships and that’s why they all failed.

I have this sort of thing in a sister in law. Lots of diagnoses. Multiple medications, some of which occasionally help a little, until they don't. She doesn't have enough insight into her own thoughts and behaviour to benefit from therapy.

You can't help her, OP, but you can help your nephew. Withdraw from her. You don't have to announce it. Doing so would only feed her melodramas. Just go about your own life.

All her son had to say was that he was remaining neutral, or didnt want to talk about it, instead of saying he didnt believe her.

They both handled things badly there. She shouldnt be texting him All that either.

All sounds very hard work and heavy. Dosent sound like she enhance your life in any way or brings any joy.
You can cut anyone out of your life that you want to sister or not.

She needs to lighten up shame for her if she cant or wont but not your problem.
She dosent get to decide if you see your nephews either.

Support your nephew step away and all take your lives back . Life is too short

DBT.

But the individual needs to engage with it.

In my experience, it’s pretty much impossible to maintain any kind of relationship with someone with BPD who is not trying to manage their condition.

At this point in your life, I’d be ending the relationship with my sister and supporting my nephew.

This won’t get better.