To finally cut my sister out my life?

[TakeSomeBlame]

I have always had a tumultuous relationship with my sister. She is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, and more recently, autism and ADHD.

She has always been extremely unpredictable and her emotional regulation is non-existent. She can go from 0-100 in an instant. This has lead to her having very poor relationships throughout her life and finding herself in trouble with the police and social services at times (e.g. she has destroyed property belonging to other people and trashed the house, leading to concerned neighbours reporting her). She spends a lot of time in bed.

The most difficult trait to deal with is her persecution complex. She believes that everyone else is wrong, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. This means I am constantly treading on eggshells. She only has me, our mum and her husband in her life. We all have to agree with what she says and does. She says that everyone in her life has abused her. Our late father, all of her exes, her friends (who one-by-one have had nothing to do with her) are all apparent abusers. She has not been in employment for many years because employers cannot cope with her. Therapy doesn’t work as she is manipulative and deceptive, she either doesn’t tell the truth, or, once they cotton on and suggest she may be the issue, she will decide the therapist is crap or isn’t ’trauma informed.’

The latest situation is she has cut off her teenage son. She began to bombard him with messages about his dad, accusing him of all sorts of horrendous abuse. Her son, my nephew, who has had to see this unfold many times over the years, does not believe her and she has now decided her son is also abusive for not believing what she is saying about his dad. She has also made it clear to me and my mum that we are also to have little to do with our nephew, and if we were to have a relationship with him, she would see this as a huge disloyalty and that we are not believing her about her trauma and abuse suffered at the hands of her ex.

AIBU to finally cut her off? We’re both in our late 40s.

So this is the fault of a CHILD for not "remaining neutral" when his mother falsely accuses his father of abuse?! He shouldn't have to "handle" his mother's mental health. There is no universe in which he is to blame for any of this!

@TakeSomeBlame I've just read this thread to my husband and he first off said that he had no idea he had another sister (unless you've altered the details slightly to remain anonymous and this is your foster sister, in which case, it's quite possibly the same person, especially as the abandoned teenage son is quite specific!) and then that he has absolutely no regrets about cutting off SIL and wishes he'd done it sooner.

@TakeSomeBlame in answer to your query, our parents have both died. Her and my children do find it hard but they are able to keep in touch with each other if they want. Its very sad and not a decision that I took lightly. My therapist has taught me about the drama triangle. It has really helped me process the pain. There are always so many layers, so many painful memories. The longer I have gone no contact, the more I have realised how detrimental the relationship was. It has had such a massive impact on my mental health. I'm so relieved now it's all over. I've come to liken it to leaving an abusive partner. Eventually, the impact on you forces you to walk away.

Protect your nephew
Offer your Mum support
But most importantly, protect yourself and cut her adrift.

She is aggressive, abusive, unreasonable to the extreme, manipulative etc etc
I don't think you need to actively cut her out. Doing one or two things like disagreeing with her, or seeing your nephew, will cause that to happen.

You need to protect yourself. Yes, hard as it is, you need to cut her off.

Is your nephew still living with her and being given the silent treatment??

He is the one who needs the support here, poor kid likely already highly damaged by her as a mother and needs all the help and support he can get. Please put him first and if that means NC with your sister so be it.

It sounds so hard for you all. Your Mum must be at her wits end.