AIBU DH cooked but not for me

[FluentPeachBeaker]

AIBU for being annoyed that I got home after a 10 hour shift and DH has cooked for the kids, eaten and was clearing up but hadn't left me plate or even asked me about dinner?

Context it was 7.30 so pretty much within our normal mealtimes, and I had text him at 7 to say I was in my way home.

We usually split the cooking although I'd say I do more especially decent meals as he usually makes 'beige' food for the kids. This is another annoyance as we often have to cook two meals as the kids won't eat much that isn't nuggets and chips type meals and I can't and wont eat like that constantly. The kids are teenagers 13 and 15 and are his bio kids. I don't have bio kids.

If he's late home I would never not include him in meal plans, I'd text or call him to ask if he wanted to wait or whatever.

He got grumpy when I said I was annoyed and said dinner was an hour ago and I thought you wouldn't be back until 8 (no idea why he thought this)

Tbf he did have to take his son to sports
and does do most of the kid running around.

Bit of a pattern. He doesn't ask if I want lunches, never mind that I've just cooked a massive roast with all the trimmings for him and his kids. It comes to lunch boxes and he does his and the kids. For a while I made him his breakfast for the next day, but I've stopped because it's not reciprocated.

I mean I can make my own meals, and do! but it makes me feel left out.

I should say this doesn't happen all the time, he definitely cooks for me sometimes and can be very thoughtfu!l

AIBU and expecting too much?

No matter what time you were coming back, there should have been dinner for you too!

You need to tell him clearly that its not acceptable.

from your title/ first paragraph I was pretty outraged for you. But then you end with he cooks for you sometimes and can be thoughtful so I’d maybe chalk this one up to the fact that you weren’t there and he was thinking of the kids activities. Was it a beige food dinner? If so and he didn’t cook himself something nicer then I think I’d just leave it. If however he made himself something nice it’s a bit unreasonable.

I don't think you're unreasonable, of course you needed dinner. Although, what was the meal because if he only does beige stuff, if what he cooked was the nuggets and chips you mentioned that would be pretty gross after an hour

It doesn't sound as though you are a priority in his thoughts. It 's not the actions of a caring partner and I would be very hurt anout his lack of concern for you.

He's a selfish twat.

It doesn't sound like it was a meal he could just "leave a plate of" to warm up and he couldn't wait to do it because he had to take his son somewhere

How long have you been together? It sounds like someone who's used to be a "3" and hasn't gotten used to being a "4"

He’s used to the OP’s ten hour shifts paying for his children’s food …

If it was something like fish fingers and chips then that would be pretty gross once it got cold but if it was something vaguely decent then he should have thought of you. Even if he messaged you and asked if you want him to shove a jacket potato in the oven or something.
I’d be annoyed about the packed lunches too!

He doesn't sound like he cares much for your well-being. After a long day he knows you have had at work I'd expect you to be in his thoughts when he is making dinner - even if it is only to ask you if you want him to pop something in for you. Very poor show on his behalf.

Can you not discuss this and come up with a plan? Like, if I’m working late can you stick a potato in the oven for me…

Or you simply agree to sort your own food in the week and eat together at weekends?

Could it be that he knew you’d hate the dinner he’s done?

I don’t think YABU per se but if he knew you’d hate the food and/ or it would turn into a row about his choices for his kids I can see why he might have swerved it. I think you need to separate out your issues about him not thinking of you and your issues about how he feeds his kids and focus on the former.

If this was a man, (and by no means I take men's side here), people would say "doesn't he have hands to feed himself?"

he sounds like a selfish prick. was there some passive aggressive element to it, in that you once didn't cook for him?

He'd actually made some rice and chicken this time, albeit also chips so yes those wouldn't have kept!

Him doing the running round after the dc should be a given since they are his dc!! I would have ordered a take away for 1...
Is he setting the scene for a them versus you life? Is he disengaged in other areas?

Good advice, I've lumped in a few things there

Oh no, he is definitely the higher earner at the moment!

That doesn’t matter, @FluentPeachBeaker - your income surely contributes to the family coffers? You deserve equal consideration in every aspect of your lives together.

I think this sounds like one of those issues where you just need to communicate a bit better, as it doesn't sound like there are clear expectations as to when you both will or won't cook for each other.

For instance, if my kids are having beige food, quite often a second meal isn't cooked at all. DH and I will just fend for ourselves.

“Dinner was an hour ago” is bizarre logic.

Is his thinking often so rigid?

That’s such an actively shitty thing to do. It’s not like he ‘just’ forgot something or wasn’t making for himself so wasn’t bothered about you, he was literally cooking dinner and decided not to do enough for you too. Wanker. I can’t imagine doing that to my husband, for the sake of an extra portion for him to have when he gets home from work! So what if he thought you’d not be home til 8? Surely he’s not so stupid as to think an extra half an hour would mean you just, what, wouldn’t eat?

I mean, my DH is the opposite, he wants to cook for you, even if you don't want him to, he'll worry about me not eating dinner, a million questions about what I have had then, if I don't want some food so sometimes being left alone would be good but I suppose objectively this isn't good at all as he should at least check with you after such a long shift! DH does love cooking when he is here though so probably why he is enthusiastic as opposed to not being here every day where it is more of a chore like your husband may feel..

What was their dinner?

My husband earns way more than me and this is not a factor.

I only just read the rigid reference to dinner being an hour prior to when you arrived home so I change my mind, that's mean and is not a great example. My kids aren't little but when they are I think it's a good example to think about your Mum (or Dad) and making sure you cared enough as a family about her to make another meal.

He could easily have plated up for you and put it to one side, whether he thought you were back at 8 or midnight! Why he omitted you in his thinking would have me examining other traits about him.