AIBU DH cooked but not for me

[FluentPeachBeaker]

AIBU for being annoyed that I got home after a 10 hour shift and DH has cooked for the kids, eaten and was clearing up but hadn't left me plate or even asked me about dinner?

Context it was 7.30 so pretty much within our normal mealtimes, and I had text him at 7 to say I was in my way home.

We usually split the cooking although I'd say I do more especially decent meals as he usually makes 'beige' food for the kids. This is another annoyance as we often have to cook two meals as the kids won't eat much that isn't nuggets and chips type meals and I can't and wont eat like that constantly. The kids are teenagers 13 and 15 and are his bio kids. I don't have bio kids.

If he's late home I would never not include him in meal plans, I'd text or call him to ask if he wanted to wait or whatever.

He got grumpy when I said I was annoyed and said dinner was an hour ago and I thought you wouldn't be back until 8 (no idea why he thought this)

Tbf he did have to take his son to sports
and does do most of the kid running around.

Bit of a pattern. He doesn't ask if I want lunches, never mind that I've just cooked a massive roast with all the trimmings for him and his kids. It comes to lunch boxes and he does his and the kids. For a while I made him his breakfast for the next day, but I've stopped because it's not reciprocated.

I mean I can make my own meals, and do! but it makes me feel left out.

I should say this doesn't happen all the time, he definitely cooks for me sometimes and can be very thoughtfu!l

AIBU and expecting too much?

13 & 15 and only eat beige food? Make them cook for themselves then and he waits for you. I started cooking my own beige food (let’s face it, it’s turning on and off and oven at best) in Y6. They can defo sort chips and nuggets.

Its hard to say really, as someone who is usually last home when i message with an eta i will generally say 'could you put me a baked potato in' or whatever - i think the onus is on the person to say. Not all meals can be plated or i might not fancy what theyre having or want to eat rightaway. In the spitit of harmony and removing guesswork, could you not just ask. Yes it would be nice to be asked but its easy to overlook when youre sorting dinner for those physically there. Is it a hill to die on?

Horrific. Makes you feel unloved and uncared for. I would never dream of not saving any for the partner who was stillat work
This is the exact same thing my ex did and what still stands out for me now, 7 yrs since my divorce. More upsetting than his affair, and shows how important you are to sonebody

Horrific. Makes you feel unloved and uncared for. I would never dream of not saving any for the partner who was stillat work
This is the exact same thing my ex did and what still stands out for me now, 7 yrs since my divorce. More upsetting than his affair, and shows how important you are to sonebody

This. Absolutely this.

shes answered that and he’d actually cooked, not freezer food. So much disrespect not leaving any for her.

He didn’t only have a half cup of rice and one chicken breast and no money to buy more so had to prioritise who got food. There’s no food shortage, he just forgot to cook enough or to save some for his partner because she didn’t matter. Yes, the bastard.

Let me get this straight. You had a 10 hour shift. Your HUSBAND cooked dinner en deliberately did not cook for you. (Your husband - so you are a FAMILY). He did not think, what is my wife going to eat when she gets in from her 10 hour shift 30-60 minutes later?

Wow. You must feel very loved and wanted.

Honestly, if this is a pattern I’d tell him I’m getting a divorce because it’s clear he does not care about you. It’s so easy to do similar petty behaviour back (I’d start with forgetting to have sex with him), but do you really want that to be your family life? I wouldn’t. If it was a once off thing I’d be reading him the riot act.

He so obviously does not think of you as part of the family. He also does not care about your well-being. You’ve got a bigger issue than just dinner.

I'd be more bothered about the lunches ask him to make sure he does one for you, unless you have already, then that is an issue. If the evening meal is a one off, then it's no big deal. Annoying but far from a LTB.

Bit of a pattern. He doesn't ask if I want lunches, never mind that I've just cooked a massive roast with all the trimmings for him and his kids. It comes to lunch boxes and he does his and the kids. For a while I made him his breakfast for the next day, but I've stopped because it's not reciprocated.

Well it is the fact that it’s a pattern and not a one off that is particularly concerning . How long have you been with him, OP? Do his kids live with you full time? How is your relationship with the kids?

You said he’s the higher earner but given he is primarily responsible for providing for his own children, yeah he should be bringing in more anyway. He doesn’t get praise for that. If you’re working full time and cooking for his kids you’re clearly still pulling your weight.

Do you feel you are there just as additional help (financial, domestic, warm bed etc) or do you think he really loves and cherishes you ? Unfortunately from you’ve said it sounds like you are a (sometimes) convenient add- on that he chooses to include or not on a whim.

I remember travelling hours to visit this guy , I arrived in the evening around 7pm and despite him knowing I hadn’t eaten on the long train journey he didn’t have dinner plans. There was no suggestion of ordering out, he had already eaten and didn’t offer to cook again. I called him out on it and he dug out some leftovers. They were disgusting,
so I just went hungry that night. It was the last weekend I ever saw him. That level of not caring to the point where you don’t even want to make sure the person you’re with is fed is so telling.

Even if a friend came over to mine from a long distance I’d have dinner plans or at least asked if they were hungry.

So if I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a guy I was seeing I certainly would not expect nor accept it from the man I’m married to.

You definitely need to have a conversation with him and if things don’t change I’d start pulling back in terms of what you do for him and in the household. And then reflect on where your marriage is going.

I’d order a lively take away just force if he was that horrible!

Why aren’t a 13 and 15 year old doing their own lunchboxes?

Anyway. You need to talk to him. We have a system where the person back late gets their own food on the way home unless they say otherwise. You might want the opposite system - do me dinner and save it unless I say otherwise - but once you’ve agreed it, he needs to do it.

Thanks for all the input. I will have a chat with him about expectations re: food going forward. Good to know I'm not crazy for feeling aggreived!

Yanbu. I always left a plate of dinner for late dh who got home later than me. Would have been mean not to.

That is really sad to read. Both my husband and I look after each other. Wouldn’t occur to us not to. Most of the time I don’t eat much so he wouldn’t need to prepare anything but if I text him and say would you put something on for when I get home it would be lined up waiting for me. Not sure what else to say really other than you aren’t wrong to be upset

You will be treated as poorly as you accept.

It sounds as if he might not care about you like he once did. Sorry OP.

If you want food, phone him. Only because sometimes he's doing food you won't eat, so there is no fixed plan.