AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Vile...
I take it you live with your parents?

I think £500 is a lot, how will he ever manage to save and move out?
My son is 23 and earns more than your son.. Around £3000 per month. I charge him £250 but he is expected to buy his own meals.
What are you doing with the £500, you’ll really notice the difference once he has left home if you’re just adding it to your household budget.

Don't we all want to own our own home?
It takes aggressive saving and is completely possible on your own on an entry salary. I wouldn't have wanted to nor could I stay with my parents while doing that, and I think honestly it is valuable living with other people, dealing with rogue landlords, fending for yourself, saving and really owning it all yourself.
What I find frustrating is young people who think its unacceptable or not worth moving out to pay rent to a landlord. Yeah thats life. Humbling perhaps. Its totally normal and teaches you things plus spurs you on to chsnge the situation for yourself

I know right! I moved out and paid rent to landlords before buying my own property…and it was fine! It was a means to an end. Life, basically.
now it feels like a lot of young people want to just seamlessly move from their parents home to something of equal niceness and station. And that’s just unrealistic

That's unreal. I earn 3k, pay my mortgage, council tax, utilities, food, repairs etc etc and save. Hes on an incredibly good wage for 23.
Fwiw I saved for my deposit on just over half this salary, while renting dun dun dun

He is very young. Most parents let their young adult kids live att home to help them. Get a foot on property ladder. So rent should cover food etc but not paying for a bedroom he has had all his life. I can't understand that some parents equate living in the family home with living in rented accommodation. And who pays £150 for coffee pods. £500 is a lot.

If he's in a shared house he's be expected to clean up after himself when cooking and not smoke in the house. If he has a place to himself then he has to do all household chores. Wonder how much a housekeeper would codt

Charge mine 200 you’re doing to much , you choose to have a child congratulations they cost money …

So does that mean you expect your parents to pay for the majority of your expenses?

Of course they cost money - before they earn their own proper wage. OP isn’t taking the payments from his paper round here.

The interesting thing is, if OP had started an “AIBU to ask my 23 year old to move out as he smokes in the house and garden without permission and never cleans up after himself? He could afford a room in a shared house, at a stretch.”- she would have got a lot more YANBUs.

@Catladywithoutacat

hahaha he’s not a child tho

You’re all drinking the coffee pods, why should he pay for them?

@Lyraloo

because he’s having the lions share of them said OP

How long ago, 1998? £30 a week wouldn’t even cover main meals for my adult DS, and I remember my DH being charged £20 a week in 1987!

That’s not what was said, she said dh, dd &ds we’re having 2/3 each per day. It’s not for him to pay for them all.

And she also titled it “his own ‘luxury’ groceries” (bolding mine)

I don’t think she means him to buy enough pods for everyone.

Tbh I think it’s a sad state of affairs if you can’t buy your child 2/3 coffee pods out of £500 a month! When dd gets to the paying age are they going to be as mean. She said they don’t need the money and I don’t think he’s costing her £500 a month.

I think it’s 2-3 coffee pods a day, not a month.

I also think OP was using it as an example (as she mentioned him wanting large packs of fizzy drinks cans too).

It’s not unreasonable in a shared living space - regardless of “charges” - that there are some limits on some food items. I don’t expect my teens to have more than one can of fizzy drink a day, or to eat a whole packet of ham, or whatever, because food is communal and others should be considered.

He has £1300 spare each month and is obviously covering his smoking habit from that - why shouldn’t he buy some groceries also, if he wants more than OP would stock “regularly”?

It is on the high side. Coffee, not sure about, I only drink Nescafé, but it must be annoying to fork out £££ and they all just get used. I suppose it’s like buying a nice bottle of wine and you go to drink it and it’s gone.

Just because he has a girlfriend doesn't mean they live together. Even if they did it's still expensive. My DS and his girlfriend 21 and 22 in a lone bed flat . Rent 850, council tac¢180. That's £500 EACH before utilities, food phone etc

There has never been a situation where a quarter of wages covered all necessaries- what planet are you from?
I agree with bunnygrav3 £500 rent might be reasonable if it's a room not a flat- but not food, laundry, luxuries and EV charging as well.

Yep. That’s how bills work.

He is the OP’s child and he is being used as a cash cow.

ask him to do a local room rent check and show YOU then get some utility bills and show him
£500 is cheap this is real life darling son

Why the snippy little comment. Darling son.

do people really have babies, gaze at them and think fuck yeah I’m going to profit out of this big time and recoup my cash when they earn and canr afford to move out.

irs so dismaying. No wonder so many dysfunctional families. When the desire for money is stronger than the love for your own child/