AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

I am from an Asian background and don’t know anyone from my community (who can afford it) who charges their adult kids rent. Yet they have all gone on to get good jobs, work hard and move out as soon as they can. My parents didn’t charge me a penny for a year. I started work then, moved out and have a very strong work ethic.

It is not the case that letting your adult kids live rent-free means they take the piss and become lazy. My kids became independent quickly without us charging them, and they then moved out with friends very soon after. They were also expected to help around the house from a young age. They are respectful and hard working.

This is what family life means to us. We never paid them to do chores or get good grades. We also never charged them rent as we didn’t need their money. We still instilled decent values and a work ethic. No regrets at all.

Totally agree. DH is Spanish and he says it would be unthinkable and actually scandalous to charge DC ‘rent’.

They have a great family-centric culture.

I would get him to share the cost of a bean to cup coffee machine . It will make the cost back in just a few months . I got one for my SIL and he now saves about £50 a month by using beans instead of expensive pods .

Yes, there does seem to be a bit of a cultural difference. My English husband would be far happier to take money off our kids ;-)

I remember at school hearing that a girl was going to be paid to babysit her younger sibling. That blew my mind!

What would he have to pay for a flatshare locally, rent only, no bills or food?

To me that is pretty central. OTOH if his rent is including both mobile phone and electricity for his car, I wouldn’t think it at all unreasonable around here, where he’d probably have to pay around £750 pcm just for rent.

I’d certainly get him to buy his own Nespresso pods though.

I don’t see how the cost of a flat share is at all relevant. In that scenario, he’d be paying rent to a landlord who is making a profit.

I’d hope his own mother wouldn’t be doing the same. Although maybe not in this case!

But if you can afford it why would you charge a high level of board for them?

We never did. They all function as fully fledged adults. They just saved it instead. Why make life hard for your own kids. Local tents have nothing to do with it. His parents aren’t landlords.

How can it not be relevant? He needs to learn the cost of a roof over your head, heating, hot water, food, council tax - all of which he’d have to pay if he moved out.
It comes as that more of a shock when they do eventually move out, to realise how such things are not gifts from heaven.

At the same time, if all the money is not actually needed by parents, they can always save some or all of it for future rent or property purchase deposits.

Local rents are pretty relevant - if it would cost DS £850 pcm for room only, no bills or food locally, vs if it would cost him £350 pcm... it gives some perspective to the PPs who are shouting about profiteering.

The DS is 23. Given he has moved out (and been bailed out) twice, then at least on paper, he earns enough to rent locally. So he could be self sufficient, he is choosing not to be.

Have you read the OPs messages?

This is a lazy, insolent, immature and entitled young man with very poor to non-existent life skills. He has attempted to live on his own more than once and failed.

Is it genuinely your belief that allowing him to contribute almost nothing financially (and whine about the little he does at present) and to take responsibility for nothing, i.e. cooking, shopping, bill paying, cleaning, washing, is in his best interests?

He's essentially living a fool's paradise.

Also, you are, by definition, not "a fully fledged adult" living with mummy and daddy.

We charge £200 a month, so to me it is a lot (over a 1/4 take home pay).

Yes, 27.8% is a bit more than a quarter - for rent, bills and food.

I’m not sure what the people bleating about local rents don’t seem to get. Landlords are operating as a business. They therefore set rent at a level designed to make a profit.

Many will also have buy to let mortgages to pay on top of their own home. They can also profiteer as there is a shortage of rental properties in many areas.

Parents shouldn’t be making a profit from their own DC staying at home. It’s a bit like saying my DM should be thankful I only charge her £20 for Sunday lunch as it’s £25 at the local pub!

You seem to have a very negative view of this young man whom you’ve never met.

But this is a 23-year-old adult, who still needs to be parented like someone less than half his age.

How is he ever going live independently, if he is cushioned from reality in this way and expected to take zero responsibility for anything?

'bleating' is pretty rude, @SilkySquirrel

The people posting/talking about local rents view the housing of adult offspring earning reasonable money differently to you. I "get" your point of view. I just don't agree with it.

My POV is that if an adult DS or DD is living at home, and has more than enough earnings to both pay towards household costs and to save money, then they should.

From the OP's posts - do they give you a positive view, then?

He has moved out twice before and both times got himself in financial difficulties resulting in us having to bail him out and him move back home - this last time he would have lost his job (a degree apprenticeship) otherwise.

He doesnt do any shared housework or contribute to the household in other works - doesnt even clean up after himself, we have asked and its not worth the fights/backlash. We have also asked him to not smoke etc in the house/garden which he does anyway.

TBH he does get all his meals except if he goes out/buys his own takeaway but i originally said sun-thurs because his expectation was we would buy his takeaway if we went out with friends etc (thats his mindset)

Why don’t you reduce his rent to £400 but say he has to buy his own groceries and will not be cooked for? Might give him a reality check as to how much groceries cost…

Because he'd make a massive mess and I/DH would have to clean it up!

Absolutely, even my 6yo knows that tidying room and doing homework comes before playing.

Let me guess, you also think that any future wife or girlfriend should be grateful for the opportunity to clean up after a Very Important Man

“Because he'd make a massive mess and I/DH would have to clean it up!”

Urgh!! At his big age! Cringe

@PithyTaupeWriter

I don’t, but it seems some posters think that any woman would be utterly charmed to cook and clean for this lovely young man

Apologies, I missed the sarcasm!

🤣🤣🤣 best thing I've read all week, thanks for that!

This! At some point in late teens, early twenties I think it's normal to recognise that you are an adult living in another adults home and stop expecting to be catered for...to offer to do more around the home (not just loading the dishwasher).

If parents want to help their children financially by not charging rent or for food that's one thing...as long as the 'children' reciprocate in an equally loving and respectful way...otherwise it's just infantalising them.

There is a big difference between children contributing towards the additional costs their parents incur whilst they are at home and what a private landlord charges, including all their additional costs.

Setting some arbitrary rate because that's what a flat costs down the road makes zero sense to me.