To consider moving to somewhere ExH will struggle to get to?

[prosecko]

My ExH and I have DC. We currently live about 1.5 hours drive from him, about 2 hours all in via public transport. On his weekend (EOW) he picks them up and drops them off. He does this via a mix of his family driving him and public transport (normally picks them up via public transport and gets a lift from his parents when dropping them home. There’s nothing that is stopping him from driving or learning to drive other than he cba. I medically cannot drive, although my DH drives, I can’t. ExH also doesn’t pay any maintenance or buy Dc anything they need, does buy them birthday/Christmas presents but that’s it, I have to send clothing for them sometimes when they’re going to his. He actually lives with his parents as well and from what Dc tell me, they cook for Dc/buy them their clothes for their house etc.

We are looking to move areas. There is an area that we are interested in which takes about 1 hour 20 mins from his to drive to but there’s no direct public transport / the changes etc add up to 3-4 hours each way. This is due to ExH living rurally as he moved back in with his parents. Eldest Dc told me that they heard his parents saying to him that they’re not going to do the lifts for him for much longer. Aibu to think that this is up to him to sort out re picking/dropping them off on his weekends if we do choose this area or Aibu to consider this area? It’s been 5 years they’ve been giving him lifts when he could’ve learned to drive. He’s admitted that it’s purely out of laziness/lack of desire that he hasn’t learnt.

Why are you planning to move?

He doesnt pay for his kids
He probably wont be paying full rent
Its been 5 years
What the fuck is he doing with his money if not learning to drive or moving out to give his kids a home? What an arsehole. Its his problem, not yours.

Just go if you want.

What's the gain in you moving other than DC not being able to see their Dad regularly?

@Thundertoastpays no rent to his family. Good question, I imagine it’s on his girlfriend but I don’t know.

I thought it was on both parents to arrange transport for contact, I could be wrong though. Would the kids be upset if they couldn’t see him?

I wouldn't be giving him and his problems much headspace tbh, but I would be looking at this from the POV of your DC and how they will be impacted.

Technically your moving closer

Yes you would be unreasonable. It’s not fair on the kids

I thought it was on the one who moved away.
But in this instance he doesn't seem to do much for his kids anyway.

It would be sad for the kids if you moved.
He's a bit of a dunce as a Dad but they probably love him.

@ArticWillow@JohnofWessexthere’s a few reasons. Our area has been hit by a sharp decline of jobs, I’m looking to get back to work soon but there’s nothing. Literally nowhere is hiring. Even the supermarkets never have vacancies. Bear in mind it’s on me and my dh to provide everything for them financially because ExH doesn’t give a penny in maintenance, I need to get a job in the next year or so. There are a few other reasons but that is enough alone. The area we’re looking at is actually closer to his in terms of miles.

It’s her moving further away so either way her problem potentially

Word of warning, if you DID move to this location and he decided to go to court for a child arrangement order, be aware court very likely to impose a 50/50 split over transport.
Also, what will be the impact on the DC if you effectively restrict their dads access?

Seems reasonable enough

Is there a place near your proposed new home he could get to by public transport?

Oh & have you made a CMS application?

Not to spite him, but otherwise of course.

I think that is entirely fair for it to be his responsibility if - and only if - you would take the responsibility on if he was to move to a place that made it more awkward to get to.

I think if he pushes it that the onus will be on you to transport the children because you are the one who has moved away. It could end up taking you hours and at great expense and go for many years. Make sure you factor that into your decision.

I very much agree with@ToKittyornottoKitty.
How your DC would feel & handle an extended / difficult “commute” to their father’s house is a significant factor & one you should rank very high on your Pros and Cons list.
Its also worth thinking about the messages you’re giving to your DC, particularly if they pick up on some of your thinking around this decision - you don’t want them to think you’re deliberately trying to keep them apart, do you?

From my own divorce a few years ago I recall that we could move within the UK wherever we wanted without consultation with the XH, but if we wanted to move abroad (ie for work) that would require active agreement to be reached & funding of DC’s travel.

Some court cases have not approved a move within England because it deprives a parent of reasonable contact with dc. This won’t be about what money he pays and you punishing him. It’s about reasonable contact, which he currently manages. He could take you to court for being unreasonable. He could also win.

100% this. You’re weaponising your children’s contact with their father and that can’t be in their best interests. Stop kvetching about maintenance, apply to the CMS and stop playing games with your children’s time with their father.

How the dc feel is high on my priorities, but what has to come first is food for them, clothes, being able to fund their hobbies etc. Due to EXH taking 0 accountability for that, it all falls onto dh and I do that (DH’s choice btw, I’ve never asked him to provide for them but he does). I am 100% not stopping him from seeing them or anything like that. He could learn to drive or maybe pay for a private hire. We’ve not even seen any houses or anything yet in this area, it’s very hypothetical right now.

Re cms, he’s self employed and lies to hmrc @harriethoyleand anyone else who asked.

Thank you @FuzzyWolf. We’d be happy to do 50% if it came to it.

Sure he is 🙄