To consider moving to somewhere ExH will struggle to get to?

[prosecko]

My ExH and I have DC. We currently live about 1.5 hours drive from him, about 2 hours all in via public transport. On his weekend (EOW) he picks them up and drops them off. He does this via a mix of his family driving him and public transport (normally picks them up via public transport and gets a lift from his parents when dropping them home. There’s nothing that is stopping him from driving or learning to drive other than he cba. I medically cannot drive, although my DH drives, I can’t. ExH also doesn’t pay any maintenance or buy Dc anything they need, does buy them birthday/Christmas presents but that’s it, I have to send clothing for them sometimes when they’re going to his. He actually lives with his parents as well and from what Dc tell me, they cook for Dc/buy them their clothes for their house etc.

We are looking to move areas. There is an area that we are interested in which takes about 1 hour 20 mins from his to drive to but there’s no direct public transport / the changes etc add up to 3-4 hours each way. This is due to ExH living rurally as he moved back in with his parents. Eldest Dc told me that they heard his parents saying to him that they’re not going to do the lifts for him for much longer. Aibu to think that this is up to him to sort out re picking/dropping them off on his weekends if we do choose this area or Aibu to consider this area? It’s been 5 years they’ve been giving him lifts when he could’ve learned to drive. He’s admitted that it’s purely out of laziness/lack of desire that he hasn’t learnt.

How old are DC?

She's not weaponsing at all. Otherwise he wouldn't be seeing his kids now.

The reality is he is not contributing (would also agree with CMS) so she has to step up to fully fund their children. Which (as we all know) will only get more expensive. If she has to move to do that, so be it. Seems a sensible thing to do.

OP - Give him some warning of what your intentions are - you never know, he might book a driving lesson. Especially if his mother boots him up the arse. Or maybe not...

I guess the way I see it is: it’s on dh and I to provide everything, EXH doesn’t provide anything. But due to him moving back to his parents and refusing to drive, it feels unfair that we can’t move a reasonable distance away because of lack of buses etc. I wouldn’t want dc doing two 4 hour journeys EOW, of course not.

@harriethoylewhy else doesn’t he pay then? ☺️ if he was employed by a company, they’d report his earnings to hmrc and he’d have to pay.

Nowhere @prosecko have you even begun to address the effect on your DC of this proposed move - which makes it look like you know perfectly well that they’ll be upset by seeing less of their dad however much of a deadbeat he is.

If you've any experience of the CMS you'd know it's a terrible system and allows paying parents to get out of paying what they should ALL THE TIME.

Put in a proper claim to CMS. I suspect you have not actually done so. The kids deserve to be able to see their father. If you make it more difficult by moving to somewhere harder to commute from then the kids won't blame their dad, they might well blame you.

It's important to make life as easy as you can for your kids. As they get older, being able to travel between parents independently is a real advantage to them and helps them feel in control after parental breakup.
Isn't there anywhere you could live that would be easier to get to from his?

If your DCs will be moving school then as he has PR then you are obliged to discuss this move with him. If you forced it he could potentially take you to court for a prohibited steps order. How likely he is to succeed at this is up for debate but the payment or non-payment of child maintenance will not be a factor in that decision. But making it very much harder for him to maintain a relationship with the DCs would likely influence it. Saying "Well he could/should learn to drive then" might not go down particularly well in court either.

I sympathise, I really do, but you need to have a serious think about whether he is likely to seriously object as that could make life difficult for you until the court case is decided.

@WittyLilacPoetcould literally show you a picture of my £0 entitlement letter.

I'd say don't move out of spite though OP, only if you really need to i.e. both you and DH have better job offers. It is far better if you can live near your ex for the DC. Tbh you aren't really that near already.

@prosecko Do it, go. If he wanted to see them more often and if he cared about seeing them without depending on others he would do that. He does not contribute in any single way. Total waste of space. Go and don't look back. It does not matter what others on here say they do not know the sacrifices you have already made. I parent mine alone bar maybe 20 HOURS PER YEAR that the ex who lives down the road bothers with and I would move to a different continent if needed without a second glace.

I’m in a similar position although I currently live closer to my ex. It’s really annoying that I feel trapped here so my kids can have a relationship with him, even though I could give them what I would deem better lifestyle and hour and a half drive away., because he’s not willing to learn how to drive a car. I’ve been offered the chance to learn a skilled trade, moving expenses paid for to a nicer village, lower crime rate, better schools and can’t because I couldn’t do all the transporting them to and from him 😒 and feel it would impact the relationship between him and the kids. You have my sympathies on having to deal with pathetic men.

That is a very good point @Wordsmitheryabout them being able to travel themselves as teens and help them feel more in control, I’m really grateful for that. There are places that we could consider that he could get to more directly and quicker than 3 hours but they are further away than where we are currently.

You’re punishing your kids for their father’s behaviour. Do you really want them spending hours travelling every other weekend? I’d be looking to move somewhere easier for them to travel to/from not harder.

Thank you @GasperyJacquesRobertsthat’s very helpful!

@RudolphRNRI literally want to provide for them and give them a good life?🫠 why shouldn’t he move?

@bettyblackdogyou have my full sympathies, I’m so sorry that you’re being held back by him 😔

Pretty much all of the OP is irrelevant. The only important consideration is this is his relationship with the kids.

My mum did this when I was 12.

She moved 200 miles away to find work with new partner, this meant my disabled dad could not see me as he couldn't manage to travel.

She didn't get a job before moving, then It turned out she couldn't find work, partner beat her up then left. I was only able to see my dad in the holidays. I was unhappy and isolated as a teen and left as soon as I could.

I'm not saying this will be you, but please consider the effects on your kids, support their friendships and their relationship with their dad - even through gritted teeth. I would never, ever want another child to suffer as I did, I spent my teenaged years suicidal and friendless, literally crying for hours every day.

Please consider and plan everything really carefully for the sake of your children, if you don't it could really hurt them.

“Why shouldn’t he move” is a bitter silly response to my point. Yes you want to provide for your kids and give them a good life, that’s very clear from your post. Providing them with a good life includes helping them have a decent relationship with their father. Moving further away achieves the opposite of that.

Yup they gave my (working full time but not paying regularly) ex three MONTHS to get himself together financially after he kept stopping payments December January and February he was told to start payments in March he paid March and April didn't bother with June his claim was because he got paid on the 31st of the month he couldn't pay during the month and it was clearing "late" so he would always be behind (he had three months to get ahead) fortunately he was also underpaying by £120. And they decided to just pull it from him directly unfortunately that also took three months he still blames them

Some men will do anything ANYTHING to spite a child

@prosecko Where csn he go if he is self employed? Self employed at what? Many self employed people have work and contacts in their area. You are clearly seeking revenge and punishment and he might well go to court to get access if you are too far away.

My friend moved to Sussex from the north-west.

The father of her eldest went to court about access, and the court ruled that they had to meet halfway for handovers!

Didn’t he move back in with his parents to a rural area with limited public transport? I would say if he has no plans on learning to drive, moving somewhere with better public transport for his daughters would be a good solution 🤷🏻‍♀️ but mummy wouldn’t be able to do his washing or cook his dinners so I imagine it would be inconvenient for him.