To consider moving to somewhere ExH will struggle to get to?

[prosecko]

My ExH and I have DC. We currently live about 1.5 hours drive from him, about 2 hours all in via public transport. On his weekend (EOW) he picks them up and drops them off. He does this via a mix of his family driving him and public transport (normally picks them up via public transport and gets a lift from his parents when dropping them home. There’s nothing that is stopping him from driving or learning to drive other than he cba. I medically cannot drive, although my DH drives, I can’t. ExH also doesn’t pay any maintenance or buy Dc anything they need, does buy them birthday/Christmas presents but that’s it, I have to send clothing for them sometimes when they’re going to his. He actually lives with his parents as well and from what Dc tell me, they cook for Dc/buy them their clothes for their house etc.

We are looking to move areas. There is an area that we are interested in which takes about 1 hour 20 mins from his to drive to but there’s no direct public transport / the changes etc add up to 3-4 hours each way. This is due to ExH living rurally as he moved back in with his parents. Eldest Dc told me that they heard his parents saying to him that they’re not going to do the lifts for him for much longer. Aibu to think that this is up to him to sort out re picking/dropping them off on his weekends if we do choose this area or Aibu to consider this area? It’s been 5 years they’ve been giving him lifts when he could’ve learned to drive. He’s admitted that it’s purely out of laziness/lack of desire that he hasn’t learnt.

You need to do what is best for your family and kids - if that means moving somewhere where you have better job prospects and can earn money to provide for your children then so be it.

You may need to look at the arrangements so that they visit their dad less frequently but stay for slightly longer (e.g every third weekend and then longer in school holidays) - you could always propose this in court if it came to that.

As long as you are thinking about your children in all of this and ensuring they can maintain their relationship with their dad (however much of a loser he is) then there is absolutely nothing wrong with you moving.

Also there is no way that a court is going to grant 50/50 access in this situation as that would be totally disruptive and impossible for the children.

The children have a right to a relationship with their father.

don’t make it more difficult for your children.

Ridiculous answers on here. Dad's a deadbeat, doesn't provide for his kids, so you are needing to move for work reasons in order to better provide for them... because he won't. No decent father lies to CMS about his income, absolutely shameful behaviour.

I'd move without a second thought. You're not even moving further away ffs, you're actually moving geographically closer.

Dad sounds like a wet lettuce, clearly needs a driving licence, but CBA to do it.
As for not paying anything, his self-employment may be that crap, if not, and he is actively deceiving his children of money, then he needs a swift kick in the bollocks.

OP - not knowing, exactly geographically where you're looking to move to and from it's a tough one, it sounds like public transport is worse, will this not also be the case for you?

Surerly you'd not move until you have a job secured? I can think of nothing I'd like to do less than move and then realise i can't get a job.

Yes. You are punishing your kids for your negative feelings about their dad.

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but how old are your kids? Are they going to want to be able to travel back-and-forth to him independently at some point in the future?

Hi op first thing is tell him your having to get a job as you can no longer afford everything even with your dh contributions so you are moving to an area where jobs are available tell him unless he contributes you have no choice and him seeing his kids is on him. No other explanation needed.

It's on him to sort out if he wants to continue seeing his Kids. However, saying that, by moving you are making it harder for him so a compromise could be agreed whereby your DH drives to a meeting place your Ex can get to using public transport. It's not ideal & a lot for your DH to agree to but he knew you had kids when you got together & putting them first is your priority so he should want to help. Also mention to your Ex that you're thinking of moving out the area you're currently living in & say now might be a good idea for him to learn to drive. Also if he's not paying you any maintenance he should have money spare to cover travel costs.

When my son divorced and came to live in our area he was a two hour drive from his children . He had mental health issues and couldn’t always keep a job so had next to no money .
at first he went to visit the children once a month on public transport. He eventually got work and was able to borrow my car to pick them up every other weekend and take them home on Sunday afternoon.
For whatever reason I’m not aware of his ex wife took him to court over his rights to have the children . However it backfired on her because the judge decided it wasn’t fair for him to do all the travelling and told her that he would continue to collect the kids from her home but then she had to collect them on a Sunday , so she had a four hour return drive each time .
im only saying this to warn you that it could backfire on you and you may end up with a court order making you responsible for half the journeys .

Personally, I think the not driving thing is a red herring. That's not really your problem. You are not moving materially further away, so I don't think youu need to take driving/not driving into account. Or at least, not on paper.

But as others have said, you do need to consider the practicalities for your DC and how they will be impacted. if they're getting older and closer to the age when they can travel alone, how will that work? Can you do a (shorter) drive to take them to an appropriate train/bus station?

I think as you are the ones moving it's reasonable to agree to exchange them at the nearest public transport hub so that the journey for him isn't longer than it is now. Especially as this will also shorten the journey for the kids.

The courts are not likely to accept deliberately moving away to deprive a parent of agreed contact. There is a need to compromise and asking the op to do some travelling is inevitable. Courts don’t like decisions that make life more difficult for children.

That sounds like you’re making it hard for your children and their dad to have a relationship; it’s not up to you to justify this and say he should learn to drive. If he goes to family court they’re unlikely to allow you to move.

You do what YOU need to do. Dont worry about some lazy twat.

Do be aware the courts could make you responsible for all of the travel if you move to a place that's impossible for him to get to.

This happened to a friend of mine in quite a similar situation - dad paid nothing, was very flaky with contact (sometimes went months), but took her to court when she moved due to her job (which was something that had always happened through their relationship). She moved and he complained about the fact it added an extra 90 minutes to his journey by public transport and the courts ended up ordering her to do all the drop offs and pick ups.

Sometimes worth pushing CMS for a variation. How difficult it is with someone self employed depends on how they do their books, and appallingly on how determined a case worker you get at CMS.

@Suusue The courts want what’s best for dc. That’s not always what a parent wants and there needs to be compromise.

How would they get to school when they’re with him?

In most cases the ex would urgently consult a solicitor and the op would not necessarily be allowed to deprive dad of him seeing dc by moving too far. Child arrangements should be reasonable for both parties, not just one. The children are the focus and arrangements should be reasonable to reflect what parents can manage but unreasonably disadvantaging one could end up in court.

Personally i would not choose to move my dc to make it harder for them to see their dad, regradless of who he is, i know who i am and want to be able to say in the future i did everything i could to facilitate contact.

That aside i believe if you choose to move then you need to facilitate the travel or at least support it, tricky if you also dont drive.

How enforcable it is is another question. My friends ex wife move the kids 4 hours away, was court order to share the driving but was always late, claimed no petrol, flat tyre, car wont start....etc basically saying 'either come get them or dont see them' each time. Took 8 months to get a date back in court to which they told her to comply and that was it, she still didnt and the cost of goung back to court is more than the extra fuel.

Yabu in my view but you will likely be abld to get away with it