Husband wants to move abroad and I don’t…….

[hotshot55]

We are a family of 3, my husband has been trying (although not particularly hard) to gain a visa for Australia. It’s costly, and he’s spent so much on it so far. He was going through the process when we met, and I said I’d never stop him from going. Fast forward 10 years, marriage and a child later and he wants to go. I am not that keen, has anyone experience this before? What did you do? he wants a better life for us and our child. Am I being unreasonable to say no? For me, I don’t want to start again, we have an amazing family support network and friends.

You do what you want to do.

The relationship might not last.

Definitely don't go. If you go and hate it, you won't be able to leave with you child.

He's likely not unreasonable to want to go, you're not unreasonable to want to stay.

But since you can't do both and stay together, you will need to have a lot of in depth conversations about the pros and cons of each option, how it affects work (for your both) and schooling and life and wider family commitments, what the timescales are, if you'd come back, frequency of return visits, how you'd agree it's working or not working etc.

And then you can both make an informed decision

Pros and cons. I suspect the cons list will be longer and realistic and the pros be based on overly optimistic hopes.

If he is absolutely insistent then, he can go alone as a trial, or just go alone. He doesn't get to rip his family away from their lives

Has he actually been there?

If you have an amazing family support network and friends then I would say absolutely not!! Having moved to Australia and then come back to the uk because of missing family and friends and the kids not having family around and that actually the “better life” is home in the uk NOT somewhere that’s sooo different and also so expensive!! Australia is one of the most expensive places in the world to live! You have to pay all your medical costs yourself and also your medication - full price!! There is no NHS letting you pay £10 a month for everything! $150 for a child’s inhaler and $250 for a weeks worth of antibiotics etc and other medication 😳😬😬 if you need meds for narcolepsy it’s $3000 a month!! Then there’s the cost of food! Housing is ridiculous costs and everything else frankly and there is NO better anything in Australia. Massive drug addiction problem and education system that is appalling in my experience too. The grass isn’t always greener. Home family and loved ones around you and your children is worth more than anything

One of my close friends did this for similar reasons. Her husband wanted to go and she didn’t. They have a great life out there - beautiful home, great schools and healthcare etc but she is very far from home and desperately sad about not being near family especially parents. I think that it is as it seems - the pros remain the pros and the cons remain the cons - if you see what I mean. I don’t think the downsides will change - it’s just if you can live with them?! Best of luck x

If you move there then the relationship ends for any reason, you will not legally be able to take your child out of Australia without his permission so you’ll be stuck there - potentially for the rest of your life if your child wants to stay as an adult and you want to stay near them.

So it’s something you should only do if you actually want to.

My mother in law did that when her kids were young and was never happy.

I wouldn't go.
Does he have a realistic and practical idea about life in Australia, it can be expensive and living and working somewhere isn't the same as going on holiday.
And that's before thinking about being thousands of miles away from family, friends or a support network. Also would you be able to work? What about schooling and health care. Would you and your child be automatically covered?

You knew when you met him - he has always been upfront about this - that makes me feel that you tacitly agreed with the long term plan and are only biw making your position clear

not great although I know things change

You need to have a real conversation about it.

Has he been there for a few months, to really gauge what it would be like to live there?

1 family I know went to Oz, all but one came back to the UK. The eldest daughter stayed. But I do know 3 couples who moved to NZ, must be around 17 years ago now. 2 couples never came back, more than happy and love life there and one couple came back but only because they divorced and wanted to get back to their families. Same sticking point for you I guess OP.

Tbh, the UK at the moment is the worst it's been in a long time. I'd move in a heartbeat. I liked Oz, for what I've seen of it.

That was ten years ago before they were married and before they had a child. It's one thing saying to someone you just met that you won't stop them emigrating, it's very different when it comes to uprooting your own life and that of your child

If you put your foot down, presumably you would “win” since he can’t make you go, and in a worst case scenario where your marriage ends over it, presumably he wouldn’t high-tail it to the other side of the world, leaving his child in England with you.

This is not about him wanting better for you and your child, he wanted this before either of you came along so ignore this emotional blackmail unless he can prove this move would benefit you all equally then I wouldn't leave a good family and friend support system.

Australia is a signatory to the Hague Convention. That means it you move over and decide that it's not for you then your husband can refuse to let you move home with your child. You would be trapped there.

Don't ever let someone persuade you to move to another country if you're not 100% sure you want to go there. It's just too risky.

Is it a dream or hashe actually thought about...

Living by Australian laws
Paying Australian taxes
Australian health care
Education
His family
Moving costs. Every thing will have to go by sea.
Visitors from UK.
Employment

Australia is one of the most expensive places in the world to live! You have to pay all your medical costs yourself and also your medication - full price!! There is no NHS letting you pay £10 a month for everything! $150 for a child’s inhaler and $250 for a weeks worth of antibiotics etc and other medication 😳😬😬 if you need meds for narcolepsy it’s $3000 a month!! Then there’s the cost of food! Housing is ridiculous costs and everything else frankly and there is NO better anything in Australia. Massive drug addiction problem and education system that is appalling in my experience too. The grass isn’t always greener. Home family and loved ones around you and your children is worth more than anything.

As someone who has lived here for the past decade, with children with all kinds of conditions and who has worked here and bought a house here, I really don't know where to start with this nonsense. To be honest, I can't be bothered with it. It's the kind of rubbish that always pops up on threads about Australia.

Move here or don't move here, OP. But do your own research about the facts. None of the above is remotely true, as most of the Australian posters will be happy to confirm.

You say he was honest with you when you first met and you agreed to him going.

Since then, has it been a regular conversation?

Did it come up when you got pregnant or married?

If he hasn’t mentioned it in the past 10 years then I would assume the relationship is over and make plans to officially separate.

If it’s been regularly mentioned then you need to decide whether you’d want to move with him who I assume would also take the child or be here by yourself.

How many times has he been there on holiday?

It is apparently a better life over there but apparently lots of people move back eventually if they have family over here due to the distance.

Is what he's saying even realistic do you have a large bank balance, transferable skills could you live well with only one of you working for what could be a significant period of time, are you both willing to start at the bottom of the carrer ladder again. Are you all healthy, no disabilities. Do you have ageing parents that you potentially never see again would you all be ok with that. Are you all white as Australia is incredibly racist compared to here. Im with you op I couldn't think of anything worse.

YANBU. But he was wanting to do this when you met, and you said you wouldn’t stop him going - why would you have a child with someone who actively wanted to live across the world?

Absolutely not. I know quite a few people that relocated to Australia and all were shocked at how it wasnt the utopia sold to them and ended up coming back.

Main reason for me would be youd never be able to leave and bring your children back without permission. Fuck that.

You said to him youd never stop him. Well youre not. Let him crack on if he wants.

Too hot and no family. No football and a bit racist. No London! No BBC. Not for me - nothing better than here! However I don’t want sun, sea and outdoor living. I have a big house. If you value what you have here, don’t go. Can he get a job? What would you do?

Have you not heard of Medicare?