Husband wants to move abroad and I don’t…….

[hotshot55]

We are a family of 3, my husband has been trying (although not particularly hard) to gain a visa for Australia. It’s costly, and he’s spent so much on it so far. He was going through the process when we met, and I said I’d never stop him from going. Fast forward 10 years, marriage and a child later and he wants to go. I am not that keen, has anyone experience this before? What did you do? he wants a better life for us and our child. Am I being unreasonable to say no? For me, I don’t want to start again, we have an amazing family support network and friends.

This is a really hard one and I don’t think anyone can tell you either way. I’m going to share my experience in the hopes that it will help you. We are a family of 5. My DH (born and bread in the UK) always wanted to go and live abroad. Me, on the other hand by 23 I had already lived in 3 countries so knew it was hard and first and I always resisted. Fast forward until 2023 when my husband was offered an amazing job (his dream job) in a great place (not perfect by any means) coupled with the UK tax system, VAT in private school and the fact that my eldest would start secondary school in 2024 I caved and said yes. At first I hated it. Because you are basically leaving your family and friends behind and it’s just so difficult to start fresh. And to top it off I wasn’t working. Even though we were better off financially (crazy as it was now only one salary instead of 2) it took me a while to settle and only after I started working did I begin to settle. The kids settled well and have now a group of friends that keep coming to our house and I can see they are happy now. Now it’s still not perfect but I can see the benefits for our family, and for us it was the right decision. But… it takes a long time to settle and if you don’t see real benefits until then it’s pretty difficult.

So does he actually have the visa now OP? Or is this still a pipe dream?

Would he get a good job there? Could you get a decent job there?

Has he visited recently? Have you ever been?

I’d be on the fence in your shoes but for certain I would want to do a LOT more research including a couple of visits to the area you’d want to live, with kid in tow and seeing how you all find the journey to/from the UK, the day to day living costs there, and the general vibe.

Re the point about not being able to take your child home if you split. This is a biggie. I don’t know if there is some legal way around it - eg if you draw up an agreement that you can bring DC home in the event of a split, is that valid? would the authorities in Oz respect that? No idea.

Has this never been discussed again in 10 years? It's one thing to say you'd never stop someone going at the beginning of a relationship, that makes complete sense, it's completely different after marriage and children.

If he's been spending money applying for visas is he under the assumption you want to go? That seems fairly seriously committed to me.

You need to do the pros/cons thing and have a serious talk. If it comes down to it I wouldn't move abroad if you don't want to no matter what (you could end up trapped and not able to come home with your child if you want to come home and he doesn't), but I'd be prepared potentially for some relationship consequences if this is a dream of your husbands and he thinks its something you want as well.

This is something that comes up with some regularity on here and there are a number of things to consider.

1. Say you do go, including any children. He loves it but you don't so you want to come back and he doesn't. You can't just up and leave to return to the UK on your own with the children unless he also consents to that, which probably wouldn't happen. So you could end up trapped if this should end your relationship.

Removing the by then probably habitually resident children to another country without the consent of the other parent would be considered kidnap in both the UK and Australia as both are signed up to the Hague Convention, which covers this.

2. Healthcare. How is this to be paid for? You may not be entitled to fully funded care under Medicare in Australia until you have been taxpayers there for some time (I don't know the full details) so care that is free at point of delivery could be limited and you would need to have the means to pay.

3. Do you work? If you do and you enjoy your job, have spent time and years building it up then this move could be detrimental to your future earnings and happiness.

4. Your support network. They (your own family and friends) will be about as far away as it is possible to get if you make this move and although you or they can visit, it will be very expensive and probably therefore severely limited.

5. You are close to your family and friends according to your post. Do you want to be so far away as they age, become less mobile and perhaps health issues start to set in? You presumably want them to be able to maintain good contact and a relationship with you and your children as they grow too. This will be much easier if you are not 10,000 miles away.

I wouldn't go. I think it is very easy to agree to something like this when you are young, not yet married and have no children as yet. Then you might think about it as an amazing opportunity, which in some cases it can be and in others it may not be.
Once you have married and had children, realised how close you are to your family and how you value and need their company and support, see how they are ageing over time etc., a reality starts to set in and it is no longer such a clear cut and obvious choice.

You sound as though you have changed your mind, and for very valid reasons too. Don't go if it isn't right for you and your children. DH can go for a few months on a trial basis if he wishes though abandoning his family in this way would be shitty of him in my opinion.

Don't be blackmailed into this though. If going to live in Australia would not be right for you, your family and your children then stay firm.

Whatever way you look at it, you have to appreciate that this sort of thing can often be relationship ending because there is no way to compromise really, and no halfway house.

I want to move to the US. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t. That’s it, done and dusted. I love him more than I love the states so we won’t get going. Does your husband feel the same?

If I could afford it and fund it I'd be gone tonight.
The uk as gone to crap and I really dont like it anymore.

To be fair it is better than the uk mostly..

saying that, home is home and I miss my family!

I live abroad, moved before kids. Had loads of fun, sunshine, etc. Now we have kids, we are moving back to the UK (taking a break from packing to write this!).

Kids are a game changer.

Being abroad with zero family is incredibly hard, even with the benefit of a nanny. We miss family immensely. It's not about childcare, but the small stuff, Sunday visits, Christmas etc.

Plane tickets have become enormously expensive. It's one thing to pay 2.5k for plane tickets, now we have to pay 5k at least, we need bigger hotel rooms / Air BnBs (which in the South East is a lot).

Because family want to see the kids, we spend all our annual leave on going to the UK. It's not great. We've never had a proper family holiday, it's all spent visiting people. I love my mum dearly but I had not planned to spend ALL my holidays with her at age 37. "Catching up" with people is exhausting.

Career wise, I am better off abroad but DH is not. The resentment builds and can ruin a marriage, seriously.

No social circle when you move means you and DH have to rely on each other a lot and that does break some couples, I have seen it. It puts a lot of pressure.

How is it better?
I know some Australians living in the UK and they said they would never move back.
I think a lot of people thinks the grass is always greener but it isn't.

What exactly don't you like about it? And what different/better do you think Australia offers?

This is the most important factor!

This was the whole premise of Wanted Down Under which was on BBC1. See if you can watch a few episodes, including some of the follow up ones where they saw how it planned out in reality.

They always had one reluctant and one keen. They went to Australia for 2 weeks to experience it, investigate jobs, schools etc. Could you go for two weeks, not on holiday but to test the waters?

Not necessarily Australia but anywhere would be better.
I dont have to like the uk i dont have to say why either.
But here I am having to muddle on by and get on with it.
Until the heavens open and give me a break.
If i won the lottery I'd be gone faster than the flash himself.

If you do go and change your mind later, you won't be able to bring the children back without his permission. That would stop me from going.

Of course you don't have to like the UK. But you are extremely misled and you would be extremely disappointed if you think anywhere else would be better!

If you don't have kids and you are working age, you can go almost anywhere you like. It's a lot of effort but doable. Focus on what skills you have to offer, do your research, narrow down a country and go for it. I worked for 5 years at being able to go abroad in the job and location I wanted. It didn't happen overnight.

Travel broadens the mind. Get out there and visit some countries and you will see the grass is not always greener. Plus if you are a migraine sufferer like me, the heat and sunshine makes travelling/living in those hot destinations hell.

And let's not forget the spiders😩

Okay, so you've changed your mind. Not unreasonable, we're all allowed to do that, but he was very honest from the outset that this is his dream and you initially said you were okay with that - so much so that you married and had a DC with him. If he still really wants this and you adamantly do not then either he has to give up his dream for you or he has to go alone. In either case, one of you is going to end up unhappy, which isn't great. I remember there was a MNer a couple of years ago going through the same thing - she eventually decided to go with her DH and I think they had an agreement that it was for a fixed amount of time, then they would re-evaluate and if she really wasn't happy they would return to the UK.

The grass isn’t always greener for sure, I have french friends who lived here who returned to France and say it’s all the same issues as here but marginally better weather but exam more toxic politics plus the school system is terrible for their autistic child. I know 2 families who have returned from living in Australia, financial disaster basically along with crazy working conditions. Finally I know a couple back from Portugal because rents have gone crazy.

we seriously may go overseas but fortunately won’t need to work and have money to buy outright without selling here, i would not cut my ties here

Does he actually have a realistic chance of getting a visa?
And a decent job…
Even if he did, it is difficult to overstate the degree of upheaval and total change in your lives such a move would entail.

Please be aware that if you were to move, you would be unable to leave with your child unless he agrees.
I read a heartbreaking story on here about a woman who moved to NZ with her family and is now stuck there, totally at the mercy of her now ex-husband.

Don't do it.
For all the reasons mentioned by PPs.
Check out the Australia forum at British Expats if you need more reasons why this is not a good idea.

My cousins, who are six siblings, all emigrated to Australia over a period from the 1960s to the 1980s. They love it and think they live in paradise, and I agree with them. But of course only the first to go, left all their family behind. The rest joined them, having that safety net of people they love helping them settle in, and re-forming the family together.

But several of their UK friends also tried emigrating over the last decade or two, and not one of them stayed longer than a year. They missed family too much, and the cost of housing is now insane, whereas when the last of the siblings emigrated and we first went to visit, we could have bought a HUGE four bedroomed house with the proceeds of our tiny two bed terraced house here.

I still visit them all frequently, and every so often, under those blue skies and in that crystal clear light, while gazing at the ocean and white sands of West Australia, I find myself wondering if my late DH and I made the right decision in staying in the UK. But as soon as I get home, I know we did.

I personally think it is.

A lot more relaxed, everyone always outdoors, despite what everyone says it’s more affordable. On paper it’s better, unfortunately it’s not where my loved ones are.

I’d never move back to the uk though, I can see my kids will benefit growing up in Australia.

Could you go for two weeks, not on holiday but to test the waters?

Don't do that, OP. It's spending two or three weeks there as a visitor that makes me fall in love with the place every time.

The TV series sets up all kinds of things that bring home the reality of living there permanently, that you can't set up by yourself to make your DH understand what it means. He'll just do what i do, and want to go more!

Absolute no chance