No thank you messages for gifts

[Pollysammy]

I have one brother, who I am not close to, but we sporadically keep in touch via his wife. He has 4 grandchildren, 2 teenagers and 2 younger ones from his 2 children. I send the grandchildren birthday and Christmas gifts, usually gift vouchers, and my grandchildren receive vouchers in return. My daughter always says thank you for the children's gifts, as she has been brought up to do. However I have not received a thank you from my niece or nephew for their children's gifts for about 4 years. This really annoys me, as just a short text message would do.
Do I stop sending them gifts? This would be the end of my relationship with my brother as my sister in law is extremely prickly, and would take great exception. Do I explain why the gifts are stopping, hoping that she would take her rude children to task, because I really don't think she would. I don't feel inclined to keep spending money them, as it cost about £100 this Christmas with birthdays and Christmas gifts. What's the solution?

I have always sent thank you cards from my DC and later they wrote and sent them themselves. For all christmas and birthday gifts. However, not everyone is like this. Some people dont even think of saying thank you which I find odd. Your children say thank you and that should matter more if I am honest. I dont know whether you should stop sending, I would probably carry on to keep the peace.

I find it very rude when no thanks are given or even an acknowledgement of receipt . It doesn’t sound like you have a great relationship with them anyway so I’d stop . If they kick off tell them why .

I just stopped. Didn’t send a message announcing why (seemed like it would come across as petty). I got sick of chasing down relatives months after the fact to see if my parcels had arrived, or if they had been lost.

Nobody has had the audacity to question me, but if they did, I would say, “The gifts I was sending weren’t being acknowledged, so I took that to mean that they weren’t wanted, so I’ve stopped sending them.”

Say you'd rather have a January meet up for lunch than exchanging stuff anymore.

Grandneices and grandnephews are too distant a relative to bother spending £100s on, and your gifts are not appreciated.

I agree that it’s very rude not to thank someone for a present. From the time she could first write, I always made sure my daughter sent a card to say thank you for a present - it’s just basic manners.

Yes, it's well-mannered, & I make sure to remind DC to send thank you texts, but we all lead busy lives, & it's not worth severing the relationship for.

Why not suggest you all stop, as the 'Children all get too much' etc. Like PP have said, it's a nicer idea to have a lunch where you treat the children to nice food & you get a chat with your niece & her children. It all seems a bit transactional- you buy vouchers for them, your brother buys vouchers for yours- is there any point? If it's only £100 for 4 Christmas presents & some birthdays too, it's not much per head really, £15/£20? Perhaps it's time to stop?

Whilst I agree that it is not SIL or brother's place to instigate the thank yous if the position is that SIL would be nasty if you stopped I would suggest saying every time did Timmy get his present as I haven't had a thank you. Do it twice and then stop. If she queries it then just say I want sure they were getting there (or just stop anyway and if she says something say I stopped because I don't think they were arriving as rhey were never acknowledged).

This seems a bit silly.

You aren’t close to your brother
and I suspect you never ever see his grandchildren (have you even met them?!).

You are buying for what purpose? To keep a relationship with your brother? But doesn’t sound like there is one really anyway.

Do you have grandchildren?

During a meal my niece complained about receiving no thanks. I heartily agreed with her that it’s bad mannered and rude. Her mother smiled knowingly but said nothing. Only she understood my pointed message.

I’d message and say you’re checking if they were received as no acknowledgment (if posted). I’d probably stop bothering if they can’t be polite enough to thank you.

And? Did it change anything?

It’s basic manners to say thank you. Some just don’t have basic manners!

I’d send a message to the parents of the children now,
”Just wanted to check that the children received the Christmas gifts as I didn’t hear anything from you?”
The response you get to that message will demonstrate whether the gifts are appreciated and they are just very scatty about thank yous, or whether they simply don’t care. If the latter, don’t bother to send any more.

No, it didn’t @Flaked. My shot didn’t even pierce the rhino hide.

I would be surprised if it had

Her mother smiled knowingly but said nothing.

what was her mother smiling knowingly about?!

Whilst I think it’s basic manners…written, text, WhatsApp etc, in whatever form it comes… (I always made my now adult kids write thank you letters, just as I had to)… I do think you need to question if any of it is worth the time, effort and money? I have adult children, small grandchildren and tbh I cut out a lot of extended family members because in all honestly, I’d rather spend the money on them rather than kids I don’t see. Sure I did stop a few extended cousins etc because I never got a thank you, but I’m not going to beg people for a thank you, imo it doesn’t take much to send a quick text. I didn’t actually tell them, I just stopped and we never saw them anyway.

in your brothers case I would tell them, as they send gifts for your lot. I’d probably drop a quick text or WhatsApp to them , just saying something along the lines of” hey, hope you had a great Christmas and new year 🫶….just looking towards next year, we thought we’d just let you know that weve decided we won’t be doing extended family gifts going forward,,,,, our families are all getting bigger and older! maybe it’s just better to all keep our money and spend it on ourselves and our families! Hope to catch up soon! “ ( knowing full well you won’t!)

I guess if it’s something you really want to continue, then you’ll have to consider that you’ll never get a thank you …or face the confrontation that will come by bringing it up. Tbh I think if it’s annoying you know, it’s only going to get worse. For me personally I’m not bringing that up with anyone…people know what they’re doing, I’m not wasting my time and energy confronting grown adults. Your SIL could even send a text thanking you but she doesn’t, I had a very vague and distant relative buy my small granddaughter a present this year. My son and DIL haven’t even met then but I sent a thank you on their behalf, it really doesn’t take much. There is the argument that it’s not my or your SILs responsibility but it’s better than absolute silence.

Her mother hadn’t been thanked either.

Rather than just stop completely, start by reducing the value of the next round of gifts and then fade it out..

Pissed off adult relatives
Who carry on buying gifts through gritted teeth
Sounds a joyous family.

Different scenario but last year I gifted money for two 50th birthdays and a wedding and have not received a single word of thanks. None were handed over personally because boxes were left out but they all had cards and a nice message with them. Still makes my blood boil!

Thanking someone for a present is basic manners! It's not like you need to write a lengthy letter, a text message would be very nice and quick. My aunt actually calls me to say thank you for a Clipify video card I send her, even though a simple "Thanks" on Whatsapp would be enough!
I'd just stopped with the gifts altogether OP. Those that can't bother to express their gratitude aren't worth the effort. Building a relationship is always a two ways process and if the other party doesn't reciprocate, why would you want to carry it all yourself?

Generally yes it's bad form not to thank but here's a thought: the gifts are for the kids. If the kids haven't been taught how to thank formally, they won't even know they are supposed to. So if you stop giving are you punishing the kids for their parents shortcomings?

Really annoys me too. I send Christmas and birthday gifts to children in the family each year, and with certain of them I never get a thank you or acknowledgement from either the children or their parents. I try to be forgiving because I know they have a hectic family life and probably lots of gifts to keep track of, but it does feel slightly sad to be sending gifts into seemingly a black hole every year.

I agree with PPs that all I would expect is a text message, and I know most of the kids have phones and we're on family What's App groups together so they have my number...

Well I stopped buying gifts through gritted teeth aeons ago. The niece remains confused and resentful. Do I care? Not a smidge.

During a meal my niece complained about receiving no thanks. I heartily agreed with her that it’s bad mannered and rude. Her mother smiled knowingly but said nothing. Only she understood my pointed message.

so the niece complained about not receiving thanks and the same niece didn’t used to thank you or her mother?