Would you been annoyed sleepover

[Molly2135]

My daughter went to stay at a friends house as it was her friends birthday . They went for food and then went back to her house for a sleep over .

Two other girls stayed also and she lives with her Mum . When I picked her up the next day I noticed that mums boyfriend was sat there ( the boyfriend she had split up with 3 months before as he hadn’t been very nice ) hadn’t realised they where back together . I was taken aback as didn’t expect him to be there or would be staying the night with the girls . They are 10 years old and I wouldn’t have let her stay knowing that he was staying there as I don’t know this man and what ive been told about tho isn’t really nice .

Am I over reacting or would you feel the same ?

But then you should just stay home and never do anything in life, because you could be ran over by a drunk driver, fall from a cliff on a walk, get a bacterial infection from a school mate... There are a lot of things you don't know and will never know that might introduce a risk.

I mean at this rate, there should probably be an automated elimination of all males at birth because of infinite chance they might become rapists...

The level of fear you're teaching your daughters is insane.

🤣

Leaving a dog or child with someone else over night is not always a choice.

But then you should just stay home and never do anything in life, because you could be ran over by a drunk driver, fall from a cliff on a walk, get a bacterial infection from a school mate... There are a lot of things you don't know and will never know that might introduce a risk.

What an odd comment. Do you think the levels of risk for all these things are the same? Do you not adjust your own behaviour based on levels of risk?

Or do you leave your house unlocked every time you go out, cross the road without looking, give all your bank details to anyone who calls you, eat green chicken because you aren't 'living in fear' about these things?

I agree with you that she should have told you. I don't believe people who say it wouldn't have bothered them. Like your DH I have seen and know too much and would say to the people with this attitude that they should be bothered.

Safeguarding our children depends on parents being aware and at times cautious about sleepovers - for all sorts of reasons.
I suspect the parents of these Belgian girls wish they'd been more cautious about their daughter's friend's father. It's a dreadful story and it appears he took advantage of the girls on sleepovers.

https://nltimes.nl/2024/11/29/least-31-victims-barendrecht-child-sex-abuse-case-many-families

You can’t really compare sexual abuse with being run-over, falling off a cliff or catching an infection from a school mate tbh - weak argument!

Exactly! I was once told there is at least one paedophile living on every single street in the UK.

I have no idea how close to the truth this is, but I’m taking no risks with my DD’s safety.

I guess she shouldn’t have had him stay over given they aren’t in a permanent relationship and parents didn’t know he was there. I was quite relaxed about sleepovers, but as I knew the families from school drops off / nursery etc. Someone’s boyfriend who I had not heard great stuff about, no, I wouldn’t be impressed I wasn’t told.

If you allow sleepovers I think you have to live with this. Personally I decline, and will continue to do so until my DDs are much older (late secondary) and I know the parents well.

Safeguarding your children is not
teaching them fear. If it is then you would rather teach them that than have to teach them how to be themselves again after an assault.

17 😳, Christ they’ll be off to uni soon! Time to unclench I think!

You say you were relaxed because you knew the parents from the school gates etc… to me that doesn’t make any sense!

You never truly know anyone outside of your own immediate family, not 100%, and those who are a risk to children act as butter wouldn’t melt! They pull the wool over everyone’s eyes so they can get away with doing the most heinous crimes.

I’ve said immediate family and not family in general because stats show that most attacks on children come from within the family rather than from outsiders.

Anyway, sleepovers are an ‘unnecessary’ risk, so if unnecessary, why take the risk?

I find the whole idea of sleepovers quite odd. Not sure why kids want to do them or why parents want to host them. Can’t think of anything worse than having other people’s kids in my house overnight. Play dates were bad enough

I would not have been comfortable with this.

I think I’m perhaps the odd one out of the thread though - I don’t think I would let me 10 year old sleep over anyway (he’s not 10, he’s just turning 9). I think I will wait until secondary if he shows an interest in it.

I would only allow him sleepover if I knew both parents though, if there were two.

This is a woman who had a man in her house who was "Just nasty to them through drink . Made nasty remakes." which indicates she has bad judgement and poor boundaries. Doesn't know or isn't able to ensure a safe environment for children.

Yes, the person who was unsafe was the boyfriend. But the mother was the one who was responsible for ensuring a safe environment and didn't. So I wouldn't rely on her being single as meaning the environment was safe. You have no idea what other things she finds appropriate if she allows that.

Edited to add: I see that it's an easy assumption to have made, though. And I'm not trying to berate you for it. Think this is just one of those Lesson Learned situations.

Absolutely justified in being annoyed. One of my friends growing up had a known pedophile as a step father, my mum was horrified when she found out, I'd slept over but at her Grandparents. What awful judgement on the part of the mother.

Totally agree with you .. it was her first sleep over and will be her last for a while .. I told my friend ( she was abused as a young child from 3-7 by her step father and removed from the family home ) she thought i was bang on with my feelings but of course she has grounds to feel this way x

Yabu. You can't control who others have in their homes. If you don't 100% trust the situation or don't want your child at any risk, then you don't allow them to attend sleepovers.

Can I ask how you address this with your daughter please? My son is younger and not quite at the sleepover stage yet (7) but I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him staying over at his best friends, yet other friends I would be fine with but I’m not sure how would be best to address this with him

I don’t think you are reasonable expecting her to tell you. I wouldn’t be comfortable in this situation though and would ask in advance if there was going to be anyone else there.

i Must be in the minority here… my daughter has had many sleep overs at my house and the parents of the child staying over have never had an issue with them staying over.
why should it concern anyone if a male will be in the house? Why not worry about the adult female in the house?
Yep, I’m a single male parent, my now 14 year old has had many sleepovers here with no issues plus she has stayed at her mates house overnight with no issues even though a MAN was present 😵

I’m sure you must be aware that the statistical chance of a child being abused by a man is far, far higher than that of being abused by a woman. You may not like it, but there it is.

OP, I agree with previous comments, I don’t think you can expect to be told in advance as the mum clearly thinnks he is safe so wouldn’t see why she needs to, but I’d say no sleepovers there going forwards!

It you are uncomfortable with this, the best thing is to simply not allow your child to do sleepovers at all. I don't think you can expect another adult to inform you of who may be visiting on the night.