Would you been annoyed sleepover

[Molly2135]

My daughter went to stay at a friends house as it was her friends birthday . They went for food and then went back to her house for a sleep over .

Two other girls stayed also and she lives with her Mum . When I picked her up the next day I noticed that mums boyfriend was sat there ( the boyfriend she had split up with 3 months before as he hadn’t been very nice ) hadn’t realised they where back together . I was taken aback as didn’t expect him to be there or would be staying the night with the girls . They are 10 years old and I wouldn’t have let her stay knowing that he was staying there as I don’t know this man and what ive been told about tho isn’t really nice .

Am I over reacting or would you feel the same ?

Thank you all for your comments 😊 this was her first sleepover ( other than family ). she was a single women with her daughte so I felt comfortable with it.

They have been friends since nursery I’m friends with mum and dad who are obviously separated, I would never let her sleep at the girls dad as much as he seems. Like a lovely bloke I just wouldn’t , so to find out the boyfriend had stayed I was pissed off . Glad to see it’s not just me .

I was talking, single, single! No man on the scene at all.

If you are concerned about which adults may be present in the house when your child goes on a sleepover then the onus has to be on you to ask the right questions before you let her go.

In the case of this particular man I can see why you have reservations, not that I'd worry he'd deliberately harm the children but that there might be a drunken argument or something else that might make your DD uncomfortable. Fair enough. But you can't really expect the mother to tell you who may or may not be visiting if you don't think to ask her in advance.

Like I said I thought she was single and had been for 3 months, no mention at all we speak every day in play ground and she had not mentioned him for over 3 months, as far as she made me aware it was over !! I just didn’t think to ask x

I think if your comfort level is for DD not to be around men you don’t know then the onus does have to be on you ask if there will be any men in the house and then make a decision. It’s unlikely another parent would specifically state beforehand “my friend and her husband will be coming over for the evening” or “my adult son is staying with us this weekend”, unless people have a history of sexual abuse themselves or professional experience with child protection, it’s usually just not on their radar. It isn’t unreasonable to be upset that you didn’t know about the boyfriend, but a bit unreasonable to expect somebody else to volunteer it.

I actually do think she should tell you if she’s having visitors. My friend was raised by her dad and never had a sleep over - he didn’t want to invite girls over the house as he knew their parents would be uncomfortable. It’s sad that things are this way, but we all know what can happen so to not tell you is wrong in my mind!

I think asking who else is going to be present and what they have planned are totally reasonable questions to ask before deciding if its ok for her to go. I dont think you can expect someone to inform you who else is in their house unless you specifically ask ahead of time or make it clear that this is a boundary for you. If you had asked and then she had done something different that would have been a massive breach of trust imo.

I do think you could reasonably say. ‘I didn’t know x was going to be there and if I had I wouldn’t have let my child stay +/- please could you let me know ahead of time who will be present next time so I dont have to disappoint her last minute’ (if you’d trust her with your child again.)

There are very few people I would trust with my kids overnight, doesn’t sound like this person would be on my list considering her lack of judgement about this.

Why would you make an exception? You do realise that single mothers can also be predators too right? Its not just men we need to be worried about.

Surely your 'no sleep over' rule means no sleep overs full stop.

@Molly2135 @Mybestdecadeyet so you're suggesting that your daughter's friends shouldn't come for sleepovers to your house, because your husband might be present in the house and attack them?

This is why I don’t do sleepovers and thankfully none of our kids friends do as well. Absolutely no need when they see their friends at school the entire day or go out together.

Single mothers can of course be predators but as only 2-5% of sexual offenders are women it would be sensible to qualify a “no sleep over” rule to allow sleep overs with single mothers.

Not addressed to me but, yes, that would be my preference. I am more certain that my DH is not a predator than I am that DD’s friend’s dad is not a predator.

I’d only let my child stay at the home of someone I’m genuinely friends with – ideally someone I knew before kids, or who I see socially in my own right, not just because our children are friends. Having kids in common doesn’t mean you share the same values. I’d need to truly trust them with my child’s best interests, not just trust them to feed them and do the bare minimum. You can do all the checks you like, but you still have no control over who they let into their home (e.g. an adult friend popping in for coffee). If sleepovers felt uncomfortable, a compromise would be a late evening get-together where parents socialise and kids gets to socialise all in the same house , everyone goes home when agreed. If I don’t get along with the parents, I wouldn’t send my child to be in their care.

I think OP should have clarified exactly who was at the house overnight despite thinking other mum was single but equally the other mum should have volunteered this information. This always happens on any sleepovers my children attend. I've even had one mum asking if it's ok if her husband has a glass of wine with dinner!

I stayed over at friend's houses when I was young, back in the 80's. My parents didn't stop me from staying over, because there was a man in the house. I doubt the thought entered their head to be honest. My Mum might have known my friend's Mum's to say hello too but she didn't know any of their husbands!!! I appreciate we understand/hear much more about abuse nowadays, and as parents we are more switched on to it, and aware, than our own parents.

I don't suppose it occurred to the Mum in this case to tell the OP her boyfriend is staying over. However, as the Mum is single and the OP thought she'd split from the boyfriend, it was reasonable to think it would be Mum and the girls.

It sounds as if the Mum and her boyfriend perhaps have an 'on-off' relationship, and therefore going forward there's no guarantee he won't be staying there. It doesn't give the impression of a stable and secure relationship.

I guess it's a learning curve. Now you know, you can stop your daughter from staying over again.

I wouldn't leave my dog overnight at someone else's home, let alone my child.

Great reply x

I wouldn’t expect to be told of every adult who will be in the house. When I invite my kids friends over to play I don’t tell them I am married and dad will be in for example.

This!

@Bearbookagainandagain I know my DH isn’t a predator, but I don’t know which other men are or are not. Other parents are in the same boat. So I’d rather there be no sleepovers tbh, to ensure ALL children are protected.

I’m not sure if I’m more mad at myself now for not double asking but I really didn’t think I’d needed too as it’s just mum and daughter that live together. Boyfriend was off the seen and she was ‘Glad to be single’ . Anyway it won’t happen again.

I don’t think you’ve got any grounds to complain to the mother, as she isn’t really obliged to publicise her relationship status, but I would feel the same way you do, and my child definitely wouldn’t be going again. It’s just really unfortunate that she got back together with him, especially for her children. 😞

I think it’s on you to have asked to be honest. But also consider the fact that you can’t control other people’s houses and who is there. Even if you had asked and she had said it’s just her and the girls, there is a chance her partner stops by later in the evening and decides to stay. Should the mum then call you to inform you? I think you need to decide if you trust this parent or not and if you are generally comfortable with sleepovers or not. It doesn’t sound like you are and that’s ok.

I don’t allow sleepovers ever. I wouldn’t ever put my child in some strangers house. How well do you really know your child’s friends parents? I wouldn’t risk it. I’m maybe over protective but I’d rather that than risk my child being harmed.

The vast majority of sexual crimes are committed by men. Nobody can remove all risk, but the risk is vastly reduced if the person caring for a child is female.

Did he make nasty remarks on this occasion? It's possible the friend's girl's mother has given him strong boundaries before allowing him back.