Arguments over money

[Wholelotoflabour]

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for 3 years and my boyfriend rents a flat in town (manchester). I currently live in Preston in halls at university so I go home at the weekend and stay with my boyfriend.

I don’t have a job, I just have my student loan. I get this every 3 months and it works out that I have £50 a week. I get by okay, do my food shopping at Aldi but I have been looking for a part time job as well.

When I go round to my boyfriends at the weekend, he often wants to cook lots of nice food and do things. So he will go to the shop to buy food for the weekend, but then two weeks ago he text me while I was on the train back saying he is sick of me never paying half of the food that he buys us at the weekend. I called him and apologised and said after I have bought my own food shopping plus return train tickets to his house, paid my phone bill I don’t have much money left. Sometimes I don’t have any money left at all. My grandparents help me out by giving me a little bit each month if I’m struggling, but this is another reason why I am trying to get a job, I don’t want them to keep doing this as I feel guilty.

I said I am happy to contribute to the food costs but we can’t be buying loads of stuff and shopping at expensive places, or maybe he can sometimes come to Preston instead so that I’m not spending money on travel expenses every weekend. Then I’ll have money left to contribute to food.

Also, I told him I am trying to find a job but it’s hard to find one that is evenings through the week. It will need to be a weekend job, which means I won’t be able to see him much at the weekends. With uni, revising, working etc, I’m not going to have much time. He isn’t happy with this, so I feel like I can’t win! Before I went to uni everything was fine, I had a job so I had more money.

What is the right thing to do in this situation? Am I in the wrong somehow? I know it’s not fair for him to pay everything but if I don’t physically have the money, I’m not sure what to do? He has been off with me since the conversation two weeks ago and last weekend when he bought food I offered to pay a bit and he said “no it’s fine” but was clearly in a mood. Not sure where to go from here really

I think you are in a “no win” situation here, as obviously you can’t spend much if you don’t have a weekend job.

I am not suggesting he should be subsidising you but at the same time he is clearly not really considering your position - so perhaps this relationship is not for you.

I can imagine this is the sort of man who will expect you to pay “your half” while on maternity level, if you ever had children together. So many threads on MN about this kind of thing.

Does he pay half your train fare each week? Because in your situation I'd be pretty sick of that, to be honest

Neither of you are wrong as such, although he isn't recognising your situation or trying to approach it as a team. I wonder what you both see as the long term outcome for this relationship, because you will need to work together going forward. I agree with PP that he may turn out to be too 'this is mine, and this is yours' when the shit hits the fan. If he is working full time, why wouldn't he want to either treat you to some food or make some adjustments so it doesn't financially pressure you. It's not like you are demanding he takes you out every weekend.

Two very sensible answers there op. I do hope you take them both on board. I think you sound both lovely and very sensible, please don't be tempted to get in debt over this.

Life’s too short for this shit. You have been with him since you were 20, if he’s like this over money now it’s unlikely it will improve. Get rid of him and enjoy your 20s, otherwise you’ll be counting pennies in 10 years whilst his wage is his alone.

The right thing to do is end the relationship and enjoy your time at Uni which you can’t really do if you’re travelling back to your boyfriend each weekend.

He’s really not being fair and values his money more than you.

You need to go shopping together in Manchester for food for the weekend so it can be 50:50 and he needs to pay half your train fare for you to go and see him.

Imho he should be more than happy to pay to host you given that you are doing all the travelling.

If he’s fed up of dating a broke student who can’t join in with what he wants to do he needs to tell you that. Not put pressure on you. He sounds uncaring.

He’s a prick, you shouldn’t have to do all the travelling each week. He wants it all his own way, he’s older and working you’re a student so obviously can’t afford the things he can. Hes the type to expect you to drop your hours to look after the kids but also expect you to pay half the bills. Bin him off and enjoy your student life

My DP visits me every weekend (as it isn't practical for me to visit him for various reasons), and our understanding is that I bear the costs of meals etc when we are together at mine. We buy wine together and he will bring chocolate/other nice things as well. Maybe discuss whether something along these lines this could be an option, or halve the cost of the train fares and food shop that you go on together (so not excessive and suits both budgets). More than the money issue, how you communicate about it and resolve it will be a good reflection of whether this relationship has staying power.

You're a poor student and he knows it. Tell him that you don't appreciate those comments when you are trying to improve yourself and still making the effort to travel and stay with him instead of doing the full uni experience. He's the one that is working.

You go home every weekend?!

If you were in a loving happy relationship, maybe (I saw my university boyfriend very 3/4 weeks) but this relationship doesn't sound good.

Stay at university for the weekends and socialise with other people! Get a job and use the money to do things you want to do.

Where are you 'living' during the holidays?

This doesn’t sound like the right relationship for you at this point. You’re young, a relationship should be fun and life enhancing (I’d argue that should always be the aim), not quibbling and at odds with each other.

Don’t hang onto a relationship that isn’t working.

It's really sad to read that your boyfriend resents doing you a nice meal when you come to visit him. If someone has spent time and money to come and visit you then it's only natural that you feed them.

He just sounds really immature and not ready for a relationship. Especially texting you instead of discussing it in person.

This is not how a grown up man approaches the conversation. Regardless of your financial agreements, I would not accept anyone texting me that they are "fed up" with one thing or another when it is literally the first time I am hearing about it. And to then refuse contribution when he explicitly asked for it? That's immature and manipulative behaviour.
Life's too short to be with an immature arse who can't communicate clearly and positively about issues in a relationship. This will only get worse as life pressures mount. Get rid.

I am dating someone who lives miles away and it's pretty much unspoken that one person drives over, the other person provides food. Can't see how it would possibly be fair any other way.

Does he never make the effort to visit you? Is every thing on his terms?

As PP said this is likely the scenario of you get married to him, it’s all about him and nothing about you and you are already worried about how he is going to feel, imagine what it would be like with children

I go back to my mums during the holidays.

thank you everyone for the responses. Everything was fine before uni so I feel like once I have money again, it will go back to normal. It’s not a bad relationship overall, before this we never had any problems.

No, he never comes to visit me because he has a flat and I live in halls so I just have one little pokey room with a single bed and a shared kitchen

You're not having a full uni experience, OP. You and your boyfriend are at different stages in your life, and he's resenting supporting you in any way, even to the extent of cooking a meal for you.

Why not end the relationship, get a weekend job in your uni town and go out with friends there? You'd have a much better time. Tons of people start off trying to keep up their relationships at uni, but they usually come to an end. Time to move on.

Sorry but I think this is the wrong approach - if you can’t work as a team and help each other during lean times then I don’t think this is the right relationship.

Thats my polite way of saying if your boyfriend is not a decent man, or at least not the man for you. Bin him off.

From someone old enough to be your mother; In all honesty… dump him op!
He’s not a keeper.

*he chose to confront you by text after you had left instead of discussing the issue kindly face to face, He is now being passively agressively moody, This demonstrates lack of courage, emotional maturity and poor communication skills.

*He is failing to look at things from your perspective as a student and this demonstrates lack of emotional intelligence.

*you offered to compromise by getting a weekend job but he is still not happy because he wants everything his way!

*he is blaming you for actions he has taken and decisions he has made. He chose unilaterally to buy and cook the fancy expensive food knowing full well your budget restrictions. He obviously regretted it later and took out his frustration on you,
Not a great trait in life!

*If you think this guy may be the one, there may be periods in your life, if you have dc for example, when you may become financially dependent on him for a while, and he doesn’t sound generous or kind, especially this early on in your relationship when you should be so much in love that he is just desperate to see you rather than harbouring petty resentments like this. Moreover he caused the issue in the first place!

Just for context, before we were married, when my my lovely dh was earning not a lot but considerably more than me at the time, he used to drive on a 300 mile round trip to see me at weekends and sometimes I would cook but many times he would take me out for dinner and he paid and was proud and happy to do so, despite me offering to contribute. That’s the sort of bloke you want!

This may be nothing to do with finances and your bf is manufacturing an excuse to split up with you because he is at a new stage in his life and he is focusing on this because he doesn’t know how to express what he is feeling or is too cowardly to do so!

Either way, stick to your guns op, you haven’t done anything wrong, do not make any compromises, do not apologise again and tell him that you are not bothered as there are plenty more fish in the sea!

Alternatively, how about starting by insisting he travels to you this weekend and see if he makes the effort?

💐💐💐

Dump and run…behaviour like his never improves…it will only get worse.

If it’s a good relationship then he will understand when you point out you have less income and are paying for train fares.

Of course relationships can seem good when there are no challenges, but that’s not life. It’s the small challenges that show you the type of person they are, how much they value your well-being and show how much they will have your back.

A 27 year old who resents spending money on their own choice of food for their student girlfriend, who is also paying train fares and doing the travelling, is unlikely to metamorphise if you don’t get a job immediately, or are made redundant or take maternity leave. Unless you make it very very clear how you feel now and keep your eyes open.

Many people who post on the relationships board in their 30s and 40s wish they had taken notice of early signs and made different decisions or laid down clear markers of what they would accept.

Im not saying your boyfriend is a bad person but patterns in relationships are established early. Which is one reason why a man (or woman) can treat one partner badly and the next so much better.

Oh no op!

So in effect you are saying the success of your relationship boils down to you having money?

If he was a decent bloke he should be supportive of you studying!

He sounds miserly, he could be making the effort to come to you and you could alternate weekly.

students have no money which he should well know, and expecting you to go half on his expensive fancy recipes isn’t really realistic. I would say to him, that you can’t afford to come up and can he come to you and wait until he does.

But also if he is expecting you to go halves on the food he should make it clear and you should have input on the food and price points. Kind of unfair to be mad at you not meeting an expectation you were unaware of. Let alone being the only one who does the all the travelling.